Pokemon Coast to Coast
by storyteller51
Summary: Once again it's Bulbasaur and crew! This week, "The Origin of Raymond!"
1. Adult Swim

**:WAITING******

**Announcer:** Tonight! Live from Pokemon Planet! It's the 1st Annual Adult Swim Face Off! (Polaroid's fly in) With special guests! Dynablade! Faye Valentine! Scyther! Cloud Strife! Donald Duck! Yusuke Urameshi! Molly Hale! Karen Burton-Haskell! Mihoshi Kuramitsu! And Lan Hiarki! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, The Council of Anime. (Curtain rises)

**Council of Anime:** We're from outer space,  
we're an evil disgrace!

**Mihoshi:** We spread germs and disease  
all over the place!

**Council of Anime:** But now we're here  
and we're full of beer

**Dynablade:** Full of beeeeeer! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS DYNABLADE!)

**Molly:** Bulbasaur's so pretty  
I could hold him dear! (music stops)

**Dynablade:** What the...!

**Scyther:** What, are you insane?

**Molly:** Okay, okay! I hate him! (music resumes)

**Council of Anime:** We hate em too,  
he's like a bad haiku

**Dynablade:** Haiku! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS DYNABLADE!)

**Donald:** (Squawks) (subtitle, with bouncing ball: BUT HE GAVE US ALL A PARDON / SO, WHAT COULD WE DO?)

**Council of Doom:** So we're nice again,   
Yeah! We're all good sports,   
and we're here to judge the  
Adult Swim Shorts!

**Dynablade:** Shorts! Shorts!

**Announcer:** And now, your host for the evening, The Principal of Outer Space! Bulbasaurrrrrrrrrrr!

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) (coughs during introduction) Greetings! I'm Bulbasaur, from Coast to Coast. Welcome to the First Annual Adult Swim Face Off! (aside) We're rolling as we speak, still? Okay, good. (to camera) Tonight, five directors from the VC/2 Studios will compete against each other, in front of an audience of millions and millions, for a big prize! (fanfare) Each director will be judged in random categories by the Council of Anime! The winner will be the winner when he or she wins! And the winning director will have his or her show premiered at the end of the show!

**Squirtle:** (glares at Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Okay. Here to tell you how the votes are tabulated, from the Accounting Firm of Price Westinghouse, Aipom the monkey!

**Aipom the Monkey:** (on stage in a tuxedo) (squeaks and squeaks)

**Bulbasaur:** Huh? What are you saying, Aipom? What are you saying?!

**Aipom the Monkey:** (squeaks and squeaks)

**Bulbasaur:** I can't understand a word you're saying! Okay, get the monkey off the stage. Now, let's meet the judges, the Council Of Anime.

(Judges, from left to right: Scyther, Donald, Molly, Mihoshi, Dynablade)

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi Kuramitsu, a galactic police officer from the Solar System! She likes to mold things out of scalding hot tar.

**Mihoshi:** Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Kiyone! (makes peace signs) Predicate!

**Bulbasaur:** Heh heh, oh-kay. Three time Pop Star Wresting Champion and conqueror of the Dust Mite Planet, Dynablade!

**Dynablade:** All Hail Dynablade!

**Council of Anime:** Hail!

**Dynablade:** Hail Dynablade! Haiiiil Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** Molly Hale! And next...

**Molly:** Mmmmmm! You look really good in those tights, honey!

**Bulbasaur:** Eew! Yuckie!

**Mihoshi:** Predicate!

**Bulbasaur:** Next, Donald Duck, an actor whose anger fits is enough to strike fear into the hearts of those weaker than he. (looks evil, making squawking sound) He collects fridge magnets and is a champion speed knitter.

**Donald:** (drones)

**Bulbasaur:** And finally, Scyther! A bug Pokemon who hails from the east. He enjoys literature and books, and he likes to read colorful pamphlets to orphans.

**Scyther:** Thank you Bulbasaur, I'm esteemed.

**Squirtle:** Death to Scyther!

**Scyther:** Oh please, Squirtle, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence.

**Squirtle:** Oh. Thank you, Scyther. That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard!

**Bulbasaur:** Hey now! You two be nice!

**Squirtle:** Shut up!

**Scyther:** Shut up!

**Bulbasaur:** Alrighty, who will be our first director? Dian?

**Dian Parkinson:** Are we on or...

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) (quietly) Charmander! Who's on first?

**Charmander:** Who's on second?

**Bulbasaur:** I dunno! Who's on second?

**Charmander:** Right!

**Bulbasaur:** Oh-kay. (pauses, looks around studio) Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this studio?

**Squirtle:** Yeah. (breaking sound off screen) What's a Face Off?

**Bulbasaur:** It's a franchise.

**Squirtle:** Oh, okay. What's an award?

**Bulbasaur:** The first category is Actor's Composure Under Extreme Interrogation! Our first contestant is Cloud Strife!

(Monitor lowers with Cloud)

**Announcer:** (whispering) Tonight's contestants have been briefed on the rules governing each category. What you are about to see is real, these are not actors, they're directors.

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome, Cloud!

**Cloud Strife:** Well, thank you very much, I...

**Bulbasaur:** What do you do?

**Cloud Strife:** I'm, uh, an actor, the star of Final Fantasy 7…

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 3, 10, 5, 1, 6)

**Bulbasaur:** Not yet, you clowns! Sorry, uh, tell us about your show!

**Cloud Strife: **We're powerful men that are destined to save the world, but we have misadventures along the way.

**Bulbasaur:** (long pause) Let's look at the clip!

(Clip from "Weekday Afternoon Live" is shown)

**Bulbasaur:** Clip category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 3.14, 78, 109, 12.2, "HELLO MY NAME IS DYNABLADE")

**Announcer:** (with French translation in background) Mihoshi, twelve point two. Molly Hale, one hundred nine. Dynablade, "Hello my name is Dynablade."

**Bulbasaur:** What is it with you and destroying reactors?

**Cloud Strife:** (clears throat) Well, being rebels, we try to keep the world going, and…

**Bulbasaur:** You just decide what to do, just like that.

**Cloud Strife:** (shrugs) Uh... I...

**Squirtle:** (mocking Cloud a la Butthead) Uh huh huh, uh huh huh...

**Bulbasaur:** Okay Cloud! Solve the puzzle! (Cloud doesn't have time to respond) Wrong! Too many vowels!

**Cloud Strife:** Oh, sssss...

**Bulbasaur:** Council?

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 5, 4, 3, 6, 3)

**Bulbasaur:** Hmmmm, not so good. Do you sing?

**Cloud Strife:** Uh... no, I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** Dance?

**Cloud Strife:** No, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (sings, in monotone) Don't sing, don't dance. What do you do, Cloud?

**Cloud Strife:** Well, you can do a show with just...

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, I'm doing a show, here we go, I am an actor! What's my motivation? Where am I? Why am I? What are the other characters doing?

**Cloud Strife:** I guess the characters are doing superhuman feats in themselves.

**Bulbasaur:** Likin' it! They're doing feats and I come in and I say...?

**Cloud Strife:** Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** Talk to me, Cloudy baby!

**Cloud Strife:** Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife.

**Bulbasaur:** (bad acting, straight) "Hello, and my name is Cloud Strife!" Directing category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 2, 0, 1, 2, 4)

**Bulbasaur:** Ooooh. Sliding. Well, thanks, Cloud! We'll see you at the end of the show!

**Cloud Strife:** Thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** You're welcome! My next contestant is Faye "The Hammer" Valentine!

**Squirtle:** The wrestler?

**Bulbasaur:** No, from "Cowboy Bebop".

(Faye Valentine appears on the monitor, eating a danish)

**Bulbasaur:** Hello, Citizen Valentine!

**Squirtle:** Hey, do you know Rick Flair?

**Faye Valentine:** Mm Hm. (takes big bite)

**Squirtle:** (wide eyed) Food. Food!

**Charmander:** (pointing) You have a danish!

**Faye Valentine:** Yes.

**Squirtle:** Gimme the danish!

**Faye Valentine:** Okey dokey.

**Bulbasaur:** No, Faye, it's a trick! He'll take your whole hand!

**Faye Valentine:** No, I doubt it, but it would be funny... that would be comedy.

**Bulbasaur:** Wait a second, young lady, blood is not funny.

**Mihoshi:** (Ding!) Blood is funny! Faye is the winner!

**Faye Valentine:** I totally love the Pokemon Planet!

**Bulbasaur:** Citizen Faye, you chose the danish, why?

**Faye Valentine:** I have no idea, it was the only thing there, it was either a bagel or this cream cheese frosting thing.

**Bulbasaur:** Food selection category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: -9, -1, -3, -2, 0)

**Bulbasaur:** Council would have chosen the bagel. Bad decision, Faye.

**Faye Valentine:** See, what I'm trying to do is chew and talk at the same time...

**Bulbasaur:** Talking with your mouth full category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: -22, -3, -90, -48, -67)

**Bulbasaur:** Ooooh, Faye, things aren't looking' good. Bad manners are never en vogue.

**Faye Valentine:** I guess, it, it...

**Bulbasaur:** Let's look at the clip!

(Clip of "Cowboy Bebop", a gun fight)

**Bulbasaur:** Clip category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 0, 2, 1, 0)

**Bulbasaur:** You can do better than that, Faye!

**Faye Valentine:** I... (long pause) (shrugs) I guess you're a critic.

**Bulbasaur:** Yup.

**Faye Valentine:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** We'll be back in two and two!

**Announcer:** Only one show will win! Which one will it be? Stay tuned to find out.

(Adult Swim graphic)

**Announcer:** Oh goody! The Adult Swim Face-Off franchise is back! Excited? I am.

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome back! Our next contestant is Lan Hiarki!

**Lan Hiarki:** Whew! Just beamed in from the old Enterprise, uh, thought I'd say hi!

**Bulbasaur:** Shatner method acting! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0)

**Bulbasaur:** Goose eggs. Ha ha ha! But you'll have a chance to make that up. Tell us what you do!

**Lan Hiarki:** I am a student, owner of MegaMan.exe, star of "Mega Man Battle Network…"

**Bulbasaur:** Wrong!

**Lan Hiarki:** Excuse me, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** You must answer in the form of a walrus!

**Lan Hiarki:** Are you serious?

**Scyther:** Pardon the intrusion, don't you mean, question?

**Bulbasaur:** You have a question, Scyther?

**Scyther:** No, lower brain form, you mean, he should answer in the form of a question.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, he should question in the form of an answer! Good answer! Question the answer, Lanny!

**Lan Hiarki:** Who?

**Bulbasaur:** You're good, buddy boy! Now for the clincher... (drum roll)

**Lan Hiarki:** This is totally serious.

**Bulbasaur:** You wouldn't understand my shouting Braille when there's a blender in the oven.

**Lan Hiarki:** Uh, because our deflector shields were up and our communication was kinda garbled?

**Bulbasaur:** Uhhhh, we'll have to check with the judges, hold on!

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 7, 8, 9, 8)

**Bulbasaur:** You're back in the race!

**Lan Hiarki:** Thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Not a problem, Gino.

**Lan Hiarki:** This is my fifteen seconds of, royal fame.

**Bulbasaur:** That's enough, son.

**Lan Hiarki:** Okay, was I hammin' it up a little too much?

**Squirtle:** Roll the clip!

(Clip of "Battle Network", opening credits only)

**Bulbasaur: **Clip category! Survey says...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 8, -107, 9, 8, 7)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, Lan, you're doing okay.

**Lan Hiarki:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** See you. (Lan zaps off monitor) Okay! My next contestant is Karen Burton-Haskell. (appears on monitor)

**Dynablade:** Hey! What time is it?

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome, Comrade Karen!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** It's good to be here Bulbasaur, thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** You're welcome.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** You're welcome.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, Bulbasaur.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Yes, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Mimic category! Council gives...

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 2, -5, 1, 2, Dynablade)

**Dynablade:** Hey! What time is it?

**Bulbasaur:** Tell us about your show.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Yeah, I return to the small screen after…

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh... Roll it!

(Clip of "Karen and Emily" is shown)

**Bulbasaur:** Clip category! Survey says...

**Squirtle:** Your show's stupid!

**Bulbasaur:** Ooooh, (Ding!) what do you say to that Comrade?

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Well, he can go and just have his own opinion and it won't bother me at all.

**Dynablade:** (in background) Hey! (Ding!) Hey, looky here! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) Hey, look at me! (Ding! Ding!)

**Bulbasaur:** (looks at Dynablade, annoyed) Self-restraint category! Council gives... Council gives...

**Dynablade:** Oh!

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 1, 3, 2, 3, 1)

**Dynablade:** There!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay Haskell, looks good!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (mocking) Thank you, Bulbasaur. (normal voice) Our last and final contestant is Yusuke Urameshi! Come on down! (monitor lowers)

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Thanks. It's good to be here.

**Bulbasaur:** What do you do?

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Uh, I'm the star of "Yu Yu Hakusho" possibly the best anime out there today.

**Bulbasaur:** Ohhhh, let's see the clip.

(Clip of "Yu Yu Hakusho", about 0.5 second long)

**Bulbasaur:** That's great!

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Um, why are you like a big plant just with, like, eyes cut in it, going' like (motions) "Woooh!" and scary? I mean, why is that? I mean, that's not like a plant.

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, Yusuke...

**Yusuke Urameshi:** You know, I don't, I don't understand this whole wearing a cape thing. It's kinda strange to me.

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)

**Bulbasaur:** McCracken...

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Doesn't make any sense.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not a plant, kid! I'm a Pokemon!

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Oh, is that it?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes! I'm the savior of Kanto! A protector to all Pokemon!

**Yusuke Urameshi:** I don't, I don't, uh, think crime fighting takes any specific age.

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10)

**Bulbasaur:** Quit thinking.

**Yusuke Urameshi:** I mean, even babies could save the day if they had to.

**Council of Anime:** (Ding!) (Scores: 11, 11, 11, 11, 11)

**Bulbasaur:** Aren't you late for something?

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Uh uh. No.

**Bulbasaur:** (charges his bulb, as if to fire)

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Oh, I get it.

**Bulbasaur:** And it's not funny... is it?

**Yusuke Urameshi:** Nooo, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Get a haircut, Urameshi. (Yusuke disappears from the monitor) Alrighty! Now it's time to tabulate the scores and determine tonight's winning actor! (drum roll) Charmander?

**Charmander:** (pulls the lever to begin tabulating)

**Bulbasaur:** And the winner is...

**Announcer:** Don't move. Not a muscle. The winning show is coming up! Right after these messages.

(Adult Swim graphic)

**Announcer:** Ah, there's more. We now return to the conclusion of The Adult Swim Face-Off. Let me do that again.

**Charmander:** It's a tie! I think. Isn't it?

**Council of Anime:** (Scores: 86, 86, 85, 86, 86)

**Charmander:** Yeah, it's a tie. (fanfare)

(Musical accompaniment starts; Bulbasaur and Squirtle sing)

**Bulbasaur:** Here he comes!  
It's a tie!  
It's a beautiful burnt sienna tie for me!

**Squirtle:** I want green,  
to match my spleen,  
Oh, what a beautiful tie!

**Aipom the Monkey:** (squeaks and squeaks)

**Bulbasaur:** Look at Aipom,  
He is small,  
Oh, what a monkey he is!

(Music ends; Aipom keeps squeaking)

**Bulbasaur:** What? Quit speaking monkey!

**Scyther:** (pausing deliberately, as though he's translating) Ahem. He said, since it's a tie, yes, I believe it's 'tie', you must have a tie-breaker.

**Bulbasaur:** No, since it's a tie we'll have a swimsuit competition! (low voice) Lose the monkey! (Aipom screeches, followed by a crash sound) The tie-breaker category is the Swimsuit Competition! Citizen Cloud Strife! Go!

**Cloud Strife:** (appears on screen) No, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Faye Valentine! Swimsuit! Go!

**Faye Valentine:** (appears on screen, still eating, mouth full) Do I look at anybody?

**Squirtle:** Danish!

**Bulbasaur:** Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Lan Hiarki! Swimsuit! Go!

**Lan Hiarki:** (appears on screen) Are you serious?

**Bulbasaur:** Disqualified! Comrade Gingersnap! Swimsuit! Go!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** No, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Disqualified! (zaps him off screen) Last contestant! Yusuke Urameshi! Swimsuit! Go!

**Yusuke Urameshi:** (appears in swimsuit, life jacket, water wings, fins, mask and snorkel, posing & waving; disco music plays)

**Bulbasaur:** And the winner of the 1st Annual Face-Off is... Yusuke Urameshi! (Yusuke holds flowers and weeps, a tiara on his head)

**Yusuke Urameshi:** (talking through mask and snorkel, blowing kisses) Thank you, Bulbasaur, oh, I love them, thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Goodnight everybody! You're beautiful! Here's the winning show that won the winning... oh, roll the clip.

(Entire "Yu Yu Hakusho" pilot is shown)

(Credits roll)

**Bulbasaur:** (mocking) Thank you, Bulbasaur.

I don't own "Pokemon", "Cowboy Bebop", "Yu Yu Hakusho", or any other animes used in this fic. I'll explain about Karen and Emily later. 

If you send me enough reviews, I'll keep going. My next piece of work is the "Weird Answer Command." What is it? Read and review to find out!


	2. Jacksonville

My second fanfic! I don't own "Pokemon" or any other animes or shows I use, in case you forgot. Thanks to Vicious Mewtwo for showing me his consent!

: WAITING

**Announcer:** Last week, on a very special "Pokemon Coast to Coast":

(Bulbasaur and Squirtle in an operating room, with heart monitors beeping in background)

**Bulbasaur:** Get me 100 cc's of bolgerdrine, stat! Clear!

**Squirtle:** Still no pulse.

**Bulbasaur:** Clear!

(A blue Mustang is racing down the street, followed by a van. A truck collides with a parked car and rolls over. Two Charmanders appear on the screen in front of Bulbasaur)

**Charmander 1:** I'm Charmander.

**Charmander 2:** No, I'm Charmander.

**Bulbasaur:** W-, wa-, wait a minute...

(Scene changes, now in a tropical setting)

**Bulbasaur:** A stolen treasure map?

**Squirtle:** A stolen treasure map?

(Another multi-car crash, in slow motion)

(In the Oval Office)

**Squirtle:** The clock is ticking, Mr. President. You must make a choice!

**Bulbasaur:** (as the President) A stolen treasure map?

(Green smoke seeps from a box in a van, which then explodes)

(Squirtle and Bulbasaur in a kitchen)

**Squirtle:** I, I think I'm pregnant!

**Bulbasaur:** (stares back, with dramatic sting music)

(Charmander riding in the bus)

**Charmander:** (laughs evilly)

**Announcer:** And now, the conclusion.

(Special opening titles and theme, a la "Charlie's Angels", with Squirtle, Charmander and Bulbasaur in the title screen, with subtitles: "Pokemon Coast to Coast / © MIII Game Freak")

**Announcer:** Pokemon Coast to Coast, a Game Freak Production. With Bulbasaur (Bulbasaur), Squirtle (Squirtle), koochie-koochie girl Charo (Molly Hale), Charmander (Charmander), Mihoshi (Mihoshi Kuramitsu), Donald Duck (Donald Duck)

**Adrienne Barbeau:** Well, there we are...

**Announcer:** Adrienne Barbeau (handy man), and special guest stars Daffy Duck and from "Final Fantasy 7" Yuffie Kisaragi. Pokemon Coast to Coast will continue after these messages.

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Announcer:** (over dramatic music) Tonight's episode, "Hickory Dickory Dead". (screen subtitles: "Hickory Dickory Dead / Act I")

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) Greetings! I'm Bulbasaur!

**Announcer:** Meanwhile, back at the set...

**Bulbasaur:** I can take it from here.

**Announcer:** I'm sorry.

**Squirtle:** You got Charmander?

**Bulbasaur:** Nope. Got something better. Mihoshi! You okay in there, buddy? Think we're about to start in a minute.

**Mihoshi:** (in control room) Is this on?

**Squirtle:** You got Mihoshi?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, what's wrong with that?

**Squirtle:** Nothing'...

**Mihoshi:** (click!) Is this on? (click!) (click!)

**Squirtle:** ... if you like crybabies.

**Mihoshi:** (click!) Is this on?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, Mihoshi, go ahead.

**Mihoshi:** (click!) Bulbas- (click)

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, go ahead.

**Mihoshi:** (click!) Hello? (tap tap tap) Is this on? (click!)

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, Mihoshi, I can hear you!

**Mihoshi:** (click!) -at, you Bulbasa- (click!)

**Bulbasaur:** (clears throat and sighs)

**Mihoshi:** (click!) Hi Ki- (click!) (click!) (click!)

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi!

**Mihoshi:** (click!) -ing is broken. I thi- (click!)

**Bulbasaur:** No, it's, it's not broken, just keep the button pushed in.

**Squirtle: **It's the red button!

**Mihoshi:** (long pause) (click!) broken! (click!)

**Bulbasaur:** No, just keep the button pushed in!

**Squirtle:** It's the big button, it's...

(Mihoshi presses the wrong button, screen changes to Japanese test pattern)

**Mihoshi:** Whoops! Hello...

**Bulbasaur:** No, no, the other button, the other one. The other one!

**Squirtle:** It's the button, it's right in front of ya!

**Mihoshi:** (throws lever, screen returns to normal) Okay, I think I got it.

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs) Good. You're clear on how the feeds work, right?

**Mihoshi:** (gives salute) 10-4 on that, Bulbasaur. Over and out!

**Bulbasaur:** Send in the guests.

**Mihoshi:** Now?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes.

**Mihoshi:** Who? I-i-is, is it that time?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, it's that time.

**Mihoshi:** (throws lever) Uh, no... (throws another lever) let's see, uh... (throws another lever) Yeah, right...

**Bulbasaur:** Please welcome famous comedians, Daffy Duck and Yuffie Kisaragi. (Monitor lowers, showing another test pattern with a foreign language speaking) (in quiet voice) Okay, all right. Mihoshi...

**Mihoshi:** I can do that better. (throws another lever, screen shows a different test pattern)

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, y'know, folks, I ran into Daffy Duck just last year at a celebrity Pro Am down in Myrtle, Myrtle Beach last year. Myrtle Beach, right, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** Pebble.

**Bulbasaur:** Pebble Beach, right.

**Mihoshi:** GOT IT!

**Bulbasaur:** Daffy Duck! (another test pattern on the screen)

**Mihoshi:** I, I, I thought I got it.

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi, what the heck's going on in there, buddy?

**Mihoshi:** (finally gets picture of Donald Duck) Guest coming up! Fresh off the griddle (throws lever)

**Bulbasaur:** (under his breath) Well, it's about time.

**Donald Duck:** (squawks on and on)

**Bulbasaur:** This isn't Daffy Duck.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I know.

**Bulbasaur:** This is Donald Duck.

**Squirtle:** Right.

**Bulbasaur:** No, it's not right. It's wrong. Very wrong.

**Squirtle:** So?

**Bulbasaur:** I think we have a problem.

**Squirtle:** Houston...

**Bulbasaur:** Listen, Squirtle, can you operate the feeds?

**Squirtle:** Me?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah.

**Squirtle:** Nnnno.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, super!

**Squirtle:** Problem?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, shut up!

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act II")

(Scene of a "Pokemon Master Quest" episode, with foreign language overdubs)

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act III")

**Daffy Duck:** (on control room monitor) [Burp!] Sorry, I just had, like, a tuna sandwich, uh, slimy eggs in it.

**Mihoshi:** Yeah, I could tell, would you like a mint?

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in to control room) Mihoshi, what are you doing? Is Donald Duck here?

**Mihoshi:** Yeah, he's out there.

**Bulbasaur:** "He"? You gave me Donald Duck!

**Mihoshi:** Oops. Oh well, no biggie.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, biggie! You screwed up the fe-... wait a minute. Who's this?

**Daffy Duck:** (points to Jim) That's my manager, the mighty Yuffie. (laughs)

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (waves) Mighty Yuffie, of Earth.

**Bulbasaur:** And you're... Daffy Duck.

**Daffy Duck:** Yes, sir.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** That is correct

**Mihoshi:** We were just having a lovely conversation about tuna...

**Bulbasaur:** Well, that's nice. Now, would you give me the right guests so I can do my job? You know, talk show host?

**Mihoshi:** Oh, sorry. (throws lever, sends Daffy and Yuffie to monitor on set. Bulbasaur walks out) You think you're so hot. I can twist you and punch you and hurt you so badly, I can...

**Bulbasaur:** (runs back in) I heard that! (walks out)

**Mihoshi:** I didn't say anything!

(Bulbasaurwalks to set)

**Daffy Duck:** I, I tell you why you're so...

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Look at the pics, look at Bulbasaur, man, when you talk.

**Daffy Duck:** Oh, that.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, looky there, Squirtle. It's Daffy Duck!

**Squirtle:** Wow! Everybody limbo!

**Daffy Duck:** Good evening, my good man.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Hey.

**Bulbasaur:** Howdy, Daffy. Did Mihoshi treat you in a pleasant, courteous and professional manner?

**Daffy Duck:** I, I hated him.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you did?

**Daffy Duck:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** What was the problem?

**Daffy Duck:** She had an annoying little voice. I wanted to smash her, with my foot. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, uh, we're, we're in a transitional state...

**Mihoshi:** (over intercom) Hi, everybody! Listen up!

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi!

**Mihoshi:** Bulbasaur! Clean up on aisle eight! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi!

**Daffy Duck:** She gets annoying.

**Mihoshi:** This intercom thing is a pip!

**Bulbasaur:** Would you excuse me for a moment?

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** (runs off)

**Mihoshi:** (still laughing) Owww! You're squeezing my arm!

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act IV")

**(Dynablade from (Kirby: Right Back at Ya!) and Bulbasaur in a kitchen)**

**Dynablade:** Bulbasaur, I think I'm pregnant!

**Bulbasaur:** (stares back, with dramatic sting music)

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act V")

(Yuffie is playing "air guitar" to toy guitar music)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) That's pretty keen! You guys are quite the talented people!

**Daffy Duck:** We're big fans of, uh, the musical part of your show.

**Bulbasaur:** You like the Squirtle, do you?

**Daffy Duck:** Oh yeah, oh yeah.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Love Squirtle.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, what do you know? Hey, Squirtle, did you hear that, buddy?

**Squirtle:** "Buddy"?

**Bulbasaur:** Looks like you've got some fans.

**Squirtle:** Bite me, Daffy! (Daffy and Yuffie stare back at Squirtle) I bet you think you're evil now!

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** We love evil.

**Squirtle:** Really! Well, aren't we the pretty ones!

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Yes.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, they're fans of yours!

**Squirtle:** Well, that's what they expect!

**Bulbasaur:** You're twisted.

**Squirtle:** Yep.

**Bulbasaur:** Well guys, I'm going to give you a break. I'm going to let you play a song for Squirtle! Ladies and gentlemen, Daffy Duck!

**(A clip from "Yankee Doodle Daffy" is shown, in which Daffy performs "I'm Just Wild About Harry")**

**Squirtle:** Well, that was stupid.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** Well, it was.

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act VI")

(Quick! Turn off your monitor for ten seconds!)

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act VII")

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Hey, could, (laughs) hey, could we smoke a cigar, or is it gonna mess with the oxygen in here?

**Bulbasaur:** And just where pray tell did you get those grubby things? Did Mihoshi give them to you?

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (to Daffy) You want a cigar?

**Daffy Duck:** No, you go ahead, man.

**Bulbasaur:** Char- Er, Mihoshi!

**Mihoshi:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** Did you give the guys cigars?

**Mihoshi:** Well... yes.

**Bulbasaur:** And why did you do that?

**Mihoshi:** Well, my daddy always said, "There's nothing like a good stogie to clean the pipes." Y'know?

**Bulbasaur:** No, I don't know. Here I am, on this anti-smoking campaign, doing telethons, dressing as a clown and visiting children's hospitals, donating time and money out of my own schedule, and then here you come, (doing Mihoshi imitation) "Here, fellas, smoke up!"

**Mihoshi:** But... but I was just being hospitable.

**Bulbasaur:** Hospitable? Hospitable? MIHOSHI, YOU'RE FIRED!!

**Mihoshi:** Oh, pooh! (Bulbasaur walks to control room) St-st-stay away from me! I'm a police officer!

**Bulbasaur:** Tell me where Charmander is.

**Mihoshi:** I don't know what you're talking about.

**Bulbasaur:** Don't play dumb.

**Mihoshi:** No! Please! Don't hit!

**Bulbasaur:** Tell me where Charmander went, and I won't!

**Mihoshi:** But I can't! Squirtle told me not to tell.

**Squirtle:** I did not!

**Mihoshi:** He, he said he would get his swarm of angry henchmen...

**Squirtle:** I did no such thing.

**Mihoshi:** He said he was going to...

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle doesn't have a swarm of henchmen.

**Mihoshi:** He doesn't?! (Squirtle laughs) Oh, you liar you!

**Bulbasaur:** You give me no choice, Mihoshi. I'm going to count to three.

**Mihoshi:** But... but...

**Bulbasaur:** One two THREE!

**Mihoshi:** (crying) Okay, okay! Charmander's on a bus!

**Bulbasaur:** A bus!?

**Mihoshi:** To Jacksonville! That's all I know! (sobbing) Just, just don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! (sobs louder)

**Bulbasaur:** Calm down, you big baby!

**Mihoshi:** Don't touch me!

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, take over the show. Don't escape, okay?

**Squirtle:** Oh, I won't.

**Bulbasaur:** I've got some heat to seek.

**Squirtle:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** Well, uh, you know what I'm talkin' about. (runs off)

**Squirtle:** (to Mihoshi) Pansy!

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act VIII")

(Scyther and Bulbasaur in a kitchen)

**Scyther:** Bulbasaur, it has come to my attention that I am pregnant!

**Bulbasaur:** (stares back, with dramatic sting music)

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Act IX")

(Squirtle is in Bulbasaur's chair, talking to Daffy and Yuffie)

**Squirtle:** Wanna go outside?

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (laughs) What would happen?

**Squirtle:** You'd explode.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Uh huh.

**Squirtle:** Come on. It's fun.

(Title graphic and dramatic theme music; subtitle: "Epilogue")

(Charmander riding in a bus)

**Charmander:** (singing) "Everybody's talking' at me, I don't hear a word they're sayin', just..."

**Bulbasaur:** (sits next to Charmander) Going somewhere, little Timmy?

**Charmander:** (surprised) Waaa!

**Bulbasaur:** It was the perfect plan, wasn't it?

**Charmander:** Look, if you're trying to wear me down, so I'll confess something I didn't do, I won't do it.

**Bulbasaur:** I just want the truth.

**Charmander:** Hey listen, the truth is, I know nothing about the plane crash, or the whereabouts of Umberto Malzone!

**Bulbasaur:** You think he's gonna protect you? You fool. You're useless to him now! Men like him don't hang, Charmander! Men like him watch their own neck.

**Charmander:** You're kidding.

**Bulbasaur:** I don't feel like kidding today, Charmander. I need to know. Are you going to leave me? (dramatic sting music)

**Charmander:** Nah.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

(Dramatic "wrap-up" music, similar to "Dragnet")

**Announcer:** (Charmander still) After the Jacksonville incident, Charmander was returned to her post as director of the show, given a spanking, and told never to escape again. (Mihoshi still) Mihoshi Kuramitsu was also swatted lightly across the fanny for her role in the Daffy Duck debacle. (Bulbasaur still) Bulbasaur resumed his duties as host of the popular fan fiction series, and was later to be spotted that very evening with gal pal Chikorita. (Passenger 12 still) Upon Bulbasaur's arrival, Passenger 12 choked on a 'Cracklin Tatah'. Witnesses quoted him as saying, "Man, there's a 'Cracklin Tatah' choked in ma throat." (Squirtle still) Squirtle eventually led Daffy Duck to the outer air lock, where he and Yuffie Kisaragi were heard to say, "Shouldn't I put on a suit or something?" (Daffy Duck still) Daffy Duck exploded in deep space. (Donald Duck still) Quark quark quark. Quark, quark, quark…

(Credits roll over following lines)

**Announcer:** The story you have just heard is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Speaking of names, I have a kitty named Fluffy. Sometimes Fluffy scratches the sofa, and I say, "Down, Fluffy, down, or Fluffy get no din-din." Sometimes Fluffy urp in the corner. Fluffy knows better than that. Cats are fun. I like them.

(Dramatic theme music)


	3. Curling Flower Space

**Bulbasaur:** (yawns)

**Jerry Springer:** (yawns) (Charmander throws the switch.)

**Charmander:** Okay!

**Bulbasaur:** (waking up) Geez!

**Squirtle:** Ow!

**Charmander:** We're outta time.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

(Credits for "Brilliant Number Three - 44c" begin in Charmander's monitor)

**Charmander:** And...we're clear.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, that wasn't very good.

**Jerry Springer:** I'm sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh no, it's all right. Really. You're just not very good.

**Jerry Springer:** (looks confused) No. I'm loving...

(The Williams Street bell from the credits can be heard in the background)

**Jerry Springer:** ...cuddly...

**Squirtle:** Ha-ha. You really nailed that one in.

**Bulbasaur:** Huh?

**Charmander:** Aren't there usually questions and answers, or am I just wrong about that?

**Bulbasaur:** I just keep thinking about last week's show. It had everything. Action, girls, kung-fu sex...

**Squirtle:** Eruptions from your mouth...

**Bulbasaur:** Shut up, turtle!

**Squirtle:** Pfft!

**Bulbasaur:** I'll spin your head off so fast it'll travel back in time!! (echoing) To a period when Pokemon wore suits and opened doors while saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please."

**Squirtle:** Um, I have no response to that.

(In the monitor, Jerry Springer is making a goofy face)

**Bulbasaur:** It's like working with children, Jerry.

**Jerry Springer:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Blue ones.

**Jerry Springer:** Well, are we surprised?

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Now, listen up as I tell the tale of 15 sexy kung-fu minutes.

(As Bulbasaur echoes "Kung Fu," we flashback to him interviewing Giselle Arion from the Pokemon episode "The School of Hard Knocks.)

**Giselle Arion:** Did you create the show?

**Bulbasaur:** By "create," you mean write, produce, direct and star in?

**Giselle Arion:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Then, yes. I created it for you. For Christmas.

**Giselle Arion:** In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.

**Bulbasaur:** Mmmmm. WILD fantasies.

**Giselle Arion:** You have a... I don't know, something about you.

**Bulbasaur:** Would you like to have some of my sex with me?

**Giselle Arion:** Oh boy, would I.

**Bulbasaur:** Let's go.

**Squirtle:** (voice-over) Okay, this is a complete lie!

**Bulbasaur:** (voice-over) Shut up, Squirtle! It isn't!

(Flashback ends)

**Squirtle:** She never woulda...

**Bulbasaur:** We'll check the tape! We'll check it right after the show, buddy!

**Squirtle:** Show's over, genius!

**Jerry Springer:** I wasn't told that this...is this a...?

**Squirtle:** And that's "jenius" with a "J"!

**Jerry Springer:** This is an ambush show!

**Bulbasaur:** Your life's about over!

**Squirtle:** Yeah, whatever.

**Bulbasaur:** It's about over unless you shut up!

**Jerry Springer:** I don't wanna be a guest on a talk show!

**Squirtle:** All right, but...

**Bulbasaur:** Say it! Say it again, monster!

**Jerry Springer:** I never wanted to be on!

**Bulbasaur:** Say what you just said!

**Charmander:** Yeah, say it!

**Bulbasaur:** SAY IT!!! (pounds desk)

**Jerry Springer:** Whoa!

**Bulbasaur:** "Whoa!" is what America's gonna be saying' when I spin his head off so fast, it'll travel back in time!

**Squirtle:** Blah, blah, blah, blah.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you want the time-travel spinning head!

**Jerry Springer:** Um...

**Bulbasaur:** Huh? Mister?

**Jerry Springer:** Wha...?

**Bulbasaur:** Time?

**Jerry Springer:** What does that mean?

**Squirtle:** He doesn't know!

**Bulbasaur:** It means there was a time when Pokemon was obedient to man. This clearly isn't that time!

**Squirtle:** Nope.

**Bulbasaur:** Now, where was I, Jerry?

**Jerry Springer:** (sighs) I don't know, but we were kind of--

**Bulbasaur:** Ah, yes. The sex.

**Jerry Springer:** Of course.

(Flashback resumes)

**Bulbasaur:** As I moved in to enjoy the sex, terror rained down from the sky...

(A ceiling tile hits Bulbasaur in the head)

**Giselle Arion:** (laughing) Oh my gosh.

**Bulbasaur:** Are...there...any bones...sticking out?

**Giselle Arion:** Um, I can't tell. You're hidden by a desk.

**Bulbasaur:** (voice-over) I was pinned. To the earth.

**Squirtle:** (voice-over) Pfft! By a freakin' ceiling tile.

(Flashback ends)

**Bulbasaur:** Don't! Don't, Don't, Don't!

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** This was no ordinary ceiling tile, Jerry.

**Jerry Springer:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** This was The C. Ling Tile!

(Flashback resumes. A ceiling tile with two sprinklers and an air vent walks up to Bulbasaur, who is still lying on the floor.)

**C. Ling Tile:** So, Saur. We meet again.

**Bulbasaur:** C. Ling!

**C. Ling Tile:** That's right. I'm back.

**Bulbasaur:** The pleasure is mine.

**C. Ling Tile:** No, no, no. Correction: The pleasure is all for me! (He starts spraying water on Bulbasaur's head) Sprinkler! Sprinkler!

**Bulbasaur:** No!

**C. Ling Tile:** Ho-HO!

**Bulbasaur:** Tap water!

**C. Ling Tile:** (laughs) Now I will freeze you! At 60 degrees! Cool air vent! Go! (starts blowing air on Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Agh!

**C. Ling Tile:** Go together!

**Bulbasaur:** He's lowering the temperature of my body!

**C. Ling Tile:** Oh-ho-ho!

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle! Contact Facilities!

**C. Ling Tile:** You... (bangs Bulbasaur on the head)...deal with it!

**Bulbasaur:** Son of a...

**C. Ling Tile:** Ha ha ha!

**Bulbasaur:** Time to hang, Tile!

**C. Ling Tile:** Asbestos powder! (Start spraying powder in Bulbasaur's face)

**Bulbasaur:** Agh!

**C. Ling Tile:** Get up! Get up and face the powder!

**Bulbasaur:** No!

**C. Ling Tile:** (sniffs) Mmmm! Mmmmm! Suck it in, Saur! And prepare to die!

**Bulbasaur:** Not while I'm alive! Medical school! (Bulbasaur summons a glowing ball of energy)

**C. Ling Tile:** Hey! Stop!

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur has mastered the five magic's!

**Bulbasaur:** May cause drowsiness!

**C. Ling Tile:** No!

**Bulbasaur:** From your coffin!

**C. Ling Tile:** You don't have to throw that!

**Bulbasaur:** Because you're dead! (Bulbasaur throws the ball, causing C. Ling Tile to burst into flames)

**C. Ling Tile:** Hey! That hurts! No!

**Bulbasaur:** Well, it looks like C. Ling will fit in perfectly...on the roof...in jail!

**Squirtle:** He sure will, Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, that's one tile that needs to be replaced!

**Squirtle:** It sure does, Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Shut up, Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** (blink) (blink)

**Bulbasaur:** You make me sick.

**Squirtle:** I do, don't I?

(All laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Now, don't we have some sex to take care of?

**Giselle Arion:** (laughing) Yes.

(All laugh again as the flashback ends)

**Bulbasaur:** That's how I defeated C. Ling and then, of course, did sex. (pause) It was all action, Jerry. Magic and action.

**Jerry Springer:** Unbelievable.

**Bulbasaur:** And yet, very true. And yet, very true.

**Charmander:** You're insane! You never even took your clothes off!

**Bulbasaur:** Of course I didn't! It was sex!

**Charmander:** That's some kind of sex!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, I will spin your head so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere...with gravity.

**Charmander:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** And you'll be dead!

**Charmander:** Why?

**Bulbasaur:** Because you weren't alive back then.

**Squirtle:** Well, that ain't how I remember it - AT ALL!

**Bulbasaur:** What was that? Oh, the lying machine just turned on!

**Jerry Springer:** Uh, tell me your story.

**Squirtle:** First off, I was lookin' real good.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, here we go.

(Flashback to Squirtle with a big black Gene Simmons-like wig and sideburns)

**Squirtle:** (voice-over) Anyway, Bulbasaur was droning on and on about he packs for trips...

**Bulbasaur:** ...pairs of underwear. And I always bring one entire knapsack full of soap.

**Giselle Arion:** Um, and you are?

**Bulbasaur:** Bulbasaur.

**Giselle Arion:** (laughing) Right. Uh, is the show's name "Pokemon Coast to Coast" or is it just "Pokemon"?

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, I don't know. Hey! Want to see how high I can jump?

**Giselle Arion:** Hmm...

**Bulbasaur:** I can jump high! I can go real high!

**Giselle Arion:** (laughing) No, I thought maybe you were joking.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay! Here goes! (takes off) Weeeeeeeee!!! (Giselle hides her face in her hands as Bulbasaur bounces around the studio)

**Squirtle:** (voice-over) That went on for....EVER! Luckily, Boston came by and picked me up.

(We cut to outside PPI, where a spaceship with the Boston logo hovers to beam Squirtle up. "Cool the Engines" starts playing in the background)

**Bulbasaur:** (voice-over) Oh bull!

**Squirtle:** They said they needed a keyboardist and I said, "I'm your man…or something!"

(Squirtle gets beamed up to Boston's space ship)

**Bulbasaur:** Aggh...

**Squirtle:** So long, suckers! (The Boston ship blasts off going at least Mach 4 in a blast of stars) And off we went!

**Bulbasaur:** (singing) That's a lie!

**Squirtle:** They had this really cool ship! There was this whole freakin' city on a flying' UFO guitar, powered by rock 'n' roll!

**Bulbasaur:** LIE!

**Squirtle:** Boston rocks!

**Bulbasaur:** And where did your friends, Boston, take you?

**Squirtle:** They were on their way to populate a new world where everyone would just rock forever!

**Bulbasaur:** That a LIE!!!

**Squirtle:** All right! Who wants to ROCK?! There was not a life form we didn't rock. (The Boston ship streaks across the horizons of several planets where various creatures "rock out" to their irresistible heavy Boston sound) Is everybody ready to rock?! Yeah! Play some guitar!! Catch it! Man and mantis, rocking side-by-side. (They fly over more terrine.) We're gonna rock your face! Ow! Who's ready to ROCK 'N' ROLL?!? Me and Boston: just like that. We rocked everyone we met. Oh god, it was beautiful. And when they were all rocked out, they dropped me off at home. THANKS, BOSTON! THAT ROCKED!! HEY BOSTON! KEEP ON ROCKIN'!! (The Boston ship departs after dropping Squirtle off) Those guys know how to rock. 

(Bulbasaur is still bouncing around the studio)

**Bulbasaur:** Like G.I. Joe! With his pants blown off! In the war! Aggh! Incoming! (Bulbasaur lands head-first behind his desk)

**Giselle Arion:** (laughing)

**Bulbasaur:** See that? I touched the ceiling!

(A ceiling tile hits Bulbasaur in the head)

**Squirtle:** And that's when you started cryin' for Momma!

**Bulbasaur:** (crying) Mom-maaaaaa!!! (voice-over) I wasn't saying "Momma," I was saying, "Trauma." Like the kind I was about to dish out. (Flashback ends) I was announcing it. Before-hand.

**Squirtle:** To your Momma.

**Bulbasaur:** Besides, if I cried, it was because of kung-fu lasers...and starvation. (Pause)

**Jerry Springer:** Why don't you explain that?

**Squirtle:** Yeah, explain it.

**Bulbasaur:** THIS IS ALL A DAMN LIE!

**Jerry Springer:** Um...

**Bulbasaur:** Don't listen to him, Jerry! I'll blow your brains clear into that river bank, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, sure you will. (drinks from his coffee mug)

**Jerry Springer:** But you were friends. Why would you do that?

**Bulbasaur:** Why are you always trying to get ahead of me, turtle?

**Charmander:** You're all lying'!

**Jerry Springer:** Oh. Charmander!

**Bulbasaur:** That's right, Jerry. Charmander.

(Flashback starts)

**Charmander:** First of all, I had the beautiful rock hair. (Charmander has the long, Gene Simmons hair with a black-and-white striped loverboy head-band. She reads a book) Bulbasaur was in the thing, talking to... someone.

(Cut to the set, where the guest monitor shows a toy monkey playing the cymbals. The ceiling tile falls in slow motion.)

**Bulbasaur:** (in slow motion) Oh no!

(Charmander switches the screen to various static-filled screens and test patterns)

**Charmander:** I had everything under control, as usual. When all of the sudden...

**Voice:** (whispering) Psst! Hey buddy!

**Charmander:** Who said that?

**Voice:** Me.

(A red sports car pulls up to Charmander and crashed into the control console)

**Charmander:** Where's the driver?

**Car:** I'm a talking car.

**Charmander:** Why are you here?

**Car:** Why is anyone here?

(The car backs out of the control room)

**Charmander:** Whoa. (Flashback ends) And that was when I decided I just need to spend a lot more time in church.

(The group stares silently)

**Bulbasaur:** A talking car. Really.

**Charmander:** No, you know what? I told it wrong. I had hurted my lungs, that's what it was. And I was in the process of gluing them back together. So there I am... (Flashback resumes) ...and I start hearing this scary piano music. (scary piano music in background) So I turn around and there's this guy standing there. (A clown is standing behind Charmander. He's holding a sharp object.) And he's wearing this mask, and I'm like, "What's up with that?" And he's got this knife, and he just starts coming at me, and the knife's like going, "Drrrvvv! Drrrvvvv! Drrrrvv!"

(Flashback ends)

**Squirtle:** You mean, uh, Michael Myers?

**Charmander:** Oh, you know him? 'Cause he was coming right at me.

**Squirtle:** Yeah. He's in this movie - "HALLOWEEN!" The one I loaned to you A YEAR AGO! MY movie, remember?!

**Charmander:** Okay, all right, okay. So maybe it was a movie. I guess I was watching it with some of my friends.

**Squirtle:** Pfft!

**Charmander:** I don't know if you know 'em. They're the rock band Boston?

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know them.

**Squirtle:** She doesn't know 'em. Look at her face! She's lying'!

**Charmander:** I'm not lying'!

**Jerry Springer:** Oh gosh.

**Charmander:** Truth is relative, Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** Especially when you're lying'!

**Jerry Springer:** Um...

**Charmander:** The trueness of one's truth, Squirtle, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies.

**Squirtle:** What?

**Jerry Springer:** Um...

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, Squirtle. Everyone knows that to be true. And you're dumb for not knowing that.

**Squirtle:** What?

**Jerry Springer:** I have to be going soon.

**Bulbasaur:** (chuckles) As Charmander clearly said, the vascular...

**Squirtle:** Say it.

**Bulbasaur:** You know if you couldn't understand the first time, I shouldn't have to waste my mouth saying it again.

**Jerry Springer:** It's not like I have another job or...

**Squirtle:** Saying what again?

**Charmander:** Yeah, what are you saying?

**Bulbasaur:** What I'm saying...

**Charmander:** That's not what I said.

**Bulbasaur:** What I'm saying...

**Charmander:** Bee-otch!

**Bulbasaur:** What I'm saying is... saying things are not relative.

**Jerry Springer:** This can't be during your sweeps.

**Bulbasaur:** And that, my friends, is the only truth.

**Jerry Springer:** Is there an end to any of this?

**Bulbasaur:** The other truth... is that I totally did sex with that girl.

**Jerry Springer:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Because I did.

**Jerry Springer:** Good.

**Bulbasaur:** I completely dodily-did.

**Jerry Springer:** Yes!

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, I think you can say the two of us did that activity.

**Charmander:** Oh, and Squirtle?

**Bulbasaur:** There was a performance...

**Charmander:** I totally hung out with Boston.

(In the guest monitor, Jerry Springer has gotten out of his chair)

**Bulbasaur:** ...at the theater, if you catch my drift.

**Jerry Springer:** (into his lapel mic) Hey thanks, guys!

(Bulbasaur continues under the credits)

**Bulbasaur:** And we worked it from the balcony to below.

**Jerry Springer:** Nice talking with you. Bye-bye.

**C. Ling Tile:** Ho-HO!

Thanks for reading! If I get 8 or more reviews, I'll spill the beans for the Weird Answer Kommard, plus several ideas I have, so R&R!


	4. Batturtle

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Funny, Kirby, what other funny stories can you tell me before we go on the air?

**Kirby:** Uh, oh yes, I remember one time with the late Ian Townsend, who played Kaboola...

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah.

**Kirby:** We were in the cliff-hanger on the show, and, uh, we were supposed to be in an air fight, Scarfy and I, with Kaboola. Well, the prop guys had brought probably eight-- (Bulbasaur dozes off, monitor goes blank)

**Bulbasaur:** (wakes up) Ehhh... Well? Okay! We're back with Jerry Springer. What? Where am I? Charmander, what happened to the feed? Did I fall asleep, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, get the feed back! Sorry. Was I snoring or anything?

**Squirtle:** You were drooling.

**Bulbasaur:** Oooow... Charmander, what are you doing? Charmander! Boy, I'm punchy. (Walks to the control room; Charmander isn't there. He reads a note on Charmander's screen) "If you ever want to see Charmander again, surrender your powers and give me control of the Pokemon universe. If you don't comply, Charmander will be extingui, extinguished. Signed, Your Mother." Hmmm...

**Squirtle:** Holy stolen lava, Bulbasaur, Charmander's been kidnapped!

**Bulbasaur:** Right you are, my little blue friend. An evil ploy by Your Mother. (walks back to desk)

**Squirtle:** Your mother.

**Bulbasaur:** No, not my mom, somebody else's mom. Someone's sick and deranged mom.

**Squirtle:** Oh.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, we'll need help. I'll scan the Space Frequency Demodulator with my new remote-control to find Kirby. Restricted.

**Squirtle:** You do that... (echo effect) I am becoming...

**Announcer:** Meanwhile, at the bandstand, a hideous mutation rears its ugly head. So hideous, that it must be censored. (explosion)

**Batturtle:** I shiver with power. I ache with disease. I am Batturtle! ("Batman" music & sound effects begin in background)

**Bulbasaur:** Aaaa! (starts to fire at Batturtle)

**Batturtle:** Wait! (balloon with "Blap!")

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, it's you! Good costume. Look! Shoot a beam, and you get a word. (shoots beam, gets balloon with "Obvious Parody!")

**Batturtle:** Shoot an adjective.

**Bulbasaur:** (shoots beam, gets "Insipid!")

**Batturtle:** Shoot a proper noun!

**Bulbasaur:** (shoots beam, gets "Kenny Rogers!")

**Batturtle:** Shoot the theory of evolution!

**Bulbasaur:** (shoots beam, gets three paragraphs about the theory of evolution) Look into the eyes of justice, Your Mother. You'll never get my powers, savvy? Batturtle and I will fight you to the end.

**Batturtle:** I must go to the control room.

**Bulbasaur:** To get butter and cheese?

**Batturtle:** No, to find Charmander.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

(Transition effect & music; Illustrator from "Kirby's Adventure" appears on monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** Illustrator! (sting music)

**Illustrator:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur**: Hey! You were on "Kirby's Adventure", weren't you?

**Illustrator:** Yes, a long, long time ago. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** I'm looking for Kirby, but maybe you can help me too.

**Illustrator:** I beg your pardon?

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander's been kidnapped, and I must save her.

**Illustrator:** Oh, dear, the pity.

**Bulbasaur:** Will you work with me, Illustrator?

**Illustrator:** It would be thrilling, I, I, I'll take on, I'll take on the job if you really think I could.

**Bulbasaur:** I do. I'll send you up to Batturtle.

**Illustrator:** Okay. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Have you ever met Batturtle?

**Illustrator:** I haven't, but I can hardly wait!

(Transition effect and music)

**Batturtle:** (In the control room) Illustrator!

**Illustrator:** Oh, is that it?

**Batturtle:** Afraid?

**Illustrator:** (laughs)

**Batturtle:** Charmander's been stolen!

**Illustrator:** Well, I don't think you have to worry or fear, because, um, uh, we have two great caped crusaders, Batman and...

**Batturtle:** I am Batturtle! Say it with me, Bat-Turtle!

**Illustrator:** Oh dear!

**Bulbasaur:** (back in the studio) Charmander, can you hear me? Are you there, son?

**Kirby:** Yes, hello, hello.

**Bulbasaur:** Great, you're back, Kirby!

**Kirby:** You're talking to me?

**Bulbasaur:** Ahem! I mean, the star warrior of Cappy Star. (in low voice) I know you're really from Pop Star, (in normal voice again) but can I say you're from Cappy Star?

**Kirby:** Sure, if you want to blow my cover, bub.

**Bulbasaur:** Look, Your Mother's taken Charmander. Come over and help me.

**Kirby:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, I need your super-powers.

**Kirby:** Uh, I have none.

**Bulbasaur:** What!

**Kirby:** I can copy enemy's abilities, but I have no other super-powers.

**Bulbasaur:** So, your whole life is a lie.

**Kirby:** Wherever I find it, I fight crime, and there is a crime here today, I see.

**Bulbasaur:** No kidding.

**Kirby:** (he and Bulbasaur stare at each other for a while, then holds up game he wants to plug) Look, look!

**Bulbasaur:** That's nice. Listen, if I use my Razor Leaf in combination with my…

**Kirby:** Yes, all the answers, all the answers are here in my new video game.

**Bulbasaur:** All the answers?

**Kirby:** Yes, all the answers. (laughing)

**Bulbasaur:** Will you beam me a copy right now?

**Kirby:** Yes, if you'll take me to lunch somewhere in the universe.

**Bulbasaur:** No time for lunch, Kirby. Gimme the game.

**Kirby:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Gimme the game!

**Kirby:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) You wimp. Well, I won't have to fight Your Mother alone. I have a Batturtle.

**Kirby:** I have a Scarfy.

**Bulbasaur:** I have a Batturtle.

**Kirby:** I have a Scarfy, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** You, sir, have nothing. You've been cancelled.

**Kirby:** Shut up, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm still on the air. I'll fight without you.

**Kirby:** Good. I'll be here when you get back.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) Yeah.

**Kirby:** Am I a difficult guest?

**Bulbasaur:** No, you're a prince! (telephone starts ringing)

**Kirby:** Are you disappointed?

**Bulbasaur:** A call on the space feed! I have to go, Kirby, er, star warrior… Whatever!

**Kirby:** Is this-- (zaps off screen, replaced by Your Mother)

**Your Mother:** Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Who are you?

**Your Mother:** I am Your Mother! (sting music)

**Bulbasaur:** You are not!

**Your Mother:** Heed my will; surrender your powers to me at once!

**Bulbasaur:** You're not my mom!

**Your Mother:** Yes I am!

**Bulbasaur:** Are not!

**Your Mother:** Yes I am!

**Bulbasaur:** What have you done with Charmander, you harlot?

**Your Mother:** She's locked in a sub-zero vaporizing cabinet, where she'll catch his death. (sting music)

**Bulbasaur:** My God, woman, that'll kill her!

**Your Mother:** Eat your peas.

**Bulbasaur:** No! (sting music)

**Your Mother:** Clean your room!

**Bulbasaur:** Uh uh! (sting music) [Hey, this thing in the monitor is not my mother] (more sting music) [My room was always clean. Must think of a plan...]

**Batturtle:** (back in control room) You are not Illustrator, Ado is Illustrator.

**Illustrator:** Ado was our first Illustrator. And then I came in and did the Game Boy Advance version...

**Batturtle:** Ado's better.

**Illustrator:** Well, Adeleine, for my money, was the best Illustrator.

**Batturtle:** Gimme your money! (sting music)

**Illustrator:** I beg your pardon?

**Batturtle:** Gimme your money! (sting music)

**Illustrator:** Oh, I see. (laughs) Actually, that, that was very good.

**Batturtle:** You mock me? (sting music) Purr like a cat!

**Illustrator:** Oh, please, the children! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** (back in the studio) Listen up, you parasite, I've joined forces with Batturtle and we'll bring you down!

**Your Mother:** Batturtle is no match for me!

**Bulbasaur:** No one's a match for you, you harlot! Tell me where Charmander is!

**Your Mother:** Repent, Bulbasaur. Mourn for the frozen, in five minutes I'll pull the freeze lever, and Charmander becomes glacierized. Or, you surrender your powers. I await your decision. Don't be late now! (hangs up)

**Announcer:** Will Bulbasaur surrender his powers and save Charmander from Your Mother? Will Kirby come to his aid or will he wimp out? Will every word Batturtle says be followed by that suspenseful sting music? What will happen next? Why is the sky blue? What is the mystery of the Yeti? (says "Hi") Do you know the Muffin Man? Stay tuned to find out!

:INTERRUPT FEED

:START FEED

**Announcer:** When we last left him, Batturtle was having a heart-to-heart with Illustrator, and Bulbasaur was being bullied by Your Mother.

**Your Mother:** Surrender your powers, Bulbasaur. I await your decision. (hangs up)

**Kirby:** Do you have any other questions? (sting music)

**Bulbasaur:** Kirby, go peddle your game somewhere else!

**Kirby:** All right, let me turn on the game, and play. (Does so)

**Bulbasaur:** Kirby, see you at the auto show. (zaps him off screen)

**Adeleine:** R-r-r-r-aow!

**Bulbasaur:** Meow!

**Adeleine:** You mean "r-r-r-r-aow!"

**Bulbasaur:** Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow! (subtitles, with bouncing dot: "Adeleine, join my forces to save Charmander.")

**Adeleine:** What planet are you on?

**Bulbasaur:** Pokemon Planet.

**Adeleine:** Well, how does it feel to be on a Pokemon planet?

**Bulbasaur:** It feels like Wednesday every day!

**Adeleine:** That's interesting.

**Bulbasaur:** Kirby refuses to come over and help me.

**Adeleine:** (laughs) But I think that's why he was chosen to be on the show, because he's sort of a non-nothing character.

**Bulbasaur:** And he's shallow. Squirtle, however, has become Batturtle, and he's more apt to help me.

**Adeleine:** Oh, once a turtle, always a turtle.

**Bulbasaur:** Shhhh, he's right upstairs.

**Adeleine:** Oh, I see, okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Let me fill you in...

**Batturtle:** (back in the control room) Look into my eyes.

**Illustrator:** No.

**Batturtle:** Look into my eyes!

**Illustrator:** You need a, a lobotomy.

**Batturtle:** (looks shocked)

**Bulbasaur:** (back in the studio) And since Kirby bailed out, we could use some help.

**Adeleine:** Yeah, I, well, I don't even think I'll be that interested in any form or fashion.

**Bulbasaur:** Is Illustrator a scardey-cat?

**Adeleine:** Oh, well, I don't know about that.

**Bulbasaur:** How about I call you Chicken Woman?

**Adeleine:** Well, I'm not very fond of the title...

**Bulbasaur:** You're all alike, you Illustrators. Tease tease tease.

**Adeleine:** Yeah, I feel very feline all the time.

**Bulbasaur:** Quit workin' it.

**Adeleine:** So I feel as though I'm slithering...

**Bulbasaur:** Cut the act, sister!

**Adeleine:** Particularly when I see a man, you know, I want to sort of slither into his arms.

**Bulbasaur:** I -- Really? (Adeleine zaps off, and is replaced by Your Mother)

**Your Mother:** Time's up, Bulbasaur. Your lolly-gagging kills your friend. Watch as I pull the freeze lever.

**Bulbasaur:** Noooooo!!! Charmanderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! (Bulbasaur wakes up, Kirby is on the screen and talking)... Charmander... huh?

**Charmander:** Hey, Bulbasaur, I'm trying to work here.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, is that really you?

**Charmander:** In the fur, if I had fur.

**Bulbasaur:** Aww, Charmander! And Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** And what?

**Bulbasaur:** I had the most awful dream! Let's have a bake sale.

(Credits roll over following lines)

**Squirtle:** What are these?

**Charmander:** Butterscotch haystacks.

**Squirtle:** Gross!

**Bulbasaur:** What's in these ladyfingers, Charmander?

**Charmander:** Lady fingers.

**Squirtle:** Are you gonna look, or are you gonna buy?

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle!

**Charmander:** I don't like oatmeal cookies, they make me go.

**Bulbasaur:** These look like fig newt-- hey, you didn't bake these!

4 (Batturtle)

(Dramatic sting music)


	5. King Dead

(Open on set. Bulbasaur is outside the glass yelling to Squirtle and Charmander inside.)

**Bulbasaur:** -king dead! And if you don't open the door and let me in, you're fired.

**Squirtle:** Well, we're not opening the door. How ya like that?

**Bulbasaur:** Then you're completely fired!

**Charmander:** Good! We didn't want to work here anyway!

**Bulbasaur:** Good! 'Cause now you don't!

**Squirtle:** Good! 'Cause we're leaving!

**Bulbasaur:** Good! 'Cause that's good!

**Squirtle:** Good!

**Charmander:** Pfft! Good! (She and Squirtle walk off the set)

**Bulbasaur:** Good! (Pause) Hey! Hey! (knocks on window) Dynablade! (knocks again) C'mere, buddy! C'mere. (Dynablade walks on set) Open the door.

**Dynablade:** No!

**Bulbasaur:** I have beans.

**Dynablade:** Somebody say "beans"? (Races to the door off-camera) WHO LIKES BEANS?!

**Bulbasaur:** Press, press the blue button.

**Dynablade:** Yellow!

**Bulbasaur:** No, not the yellow--

**Dynablade:** Yellow button!

**Bulbasaur:** No...not that one.

**Dynablade:** It's lemony! And lemony's better than...AGGGHHH!!!

(Dynablade gets hurled into space. Meanwhile, Charmander and Squirtle are in the airlock.)

**Squirtle:** Freedom!

**Charmander:** Yeah!

**Dynablade:** AGGGHHHH!!!!

**Charmander:** What do you wanna do?

**Squirtle:** Let's start a band!

**Charmander:** Yeah! We'll call it "Freedom"! I like that.

**Squirtle:** That sucks!

**Charmander:** But "freedom" rhymes with "We from," like "We from the land of rock!" (Squirtle closes the airlock door) What? It's good!

(Back to set, where Bulbasaur and Dynablade are now both stuck behind the glass.)

**Dynablade:** Bulbasaur...

**Bulbasaur:** Shut up. Hey! (knocks on glass). Mihoshi! Hey! (Mihoshi Kuramitsu walks on set)

**Mihoshi:** Did somebody just yell, "Mihoshi!"?

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, come over here, buddy. Yeah, open the door. (Mihoshi walks to the door off-camera) Press, press the blue button.

**Mihoshi:** Oh, the pretty one?

**Bulbasaur:** That's right.

**Dynablade:** But oh boy, do the yellow button!

**Bulbasaur:** No.

**Dynablade:** Yellow!

**Bulbasaur:** No.

**Mihoshi:** Agggghhh!! I went flying!!! (Mihoshi is hurled into space, where she flies past Ash Ketchum's house. Cut to inside, where we find Charmander and Squirtle. Squirtle is playing guitar while Charmander stands on the TV.)

**Squirtle:** Charmander, c'mon! Rip it up!

(Charmander jumps off the TV to reveal a keyboard hung around her neck. She plays a light melody to accompany Squirtle's metal guitar.)

**Squirtle:** I said to rock, not to suck! (singing)

(Back to set, where Dynablade, Mihoshi and Bulbasaur are all stuck outside the glass)

**Mihoshi:** Why don't you just Solarbeam in there?

**Bulbasaur:** No, this is what we'll do. (Dynablade and Mihoshi start walking toward the door) I will take on the form of steam and enter through the mail slot. Form of steam! Form of steam! (Dynablade and Mihoshi walk back on set) Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam. Form of steam. (Bulbasaur looks at Mihoshi and Dynablade) You've wasted all the steam!

(Meanwhile, Squirtle and Charmander are still jamming at Ash's house. Suddenly, the power goes out.)

**Squirtle:** Ya see that? Ya sucked all the lights out!

**Charmander:** No, I blew the fuse's mind.

**Squirtle:** God.

**Charmander:** Wait!

(Charmander suddenly disappears but Squirtle misses it because he turns his head)

**Squirtle:** God, you're dumb.

**Charmander:** Where'd I go?

**Squirtle:** Eh, let's just make some prank Calls. (Charmander reappears)

**Charmander:** Oh, I'm back.

**Squirtle:** Quit looking' at me.

(Back to set. Bulbasaur starts the show as Mihoshi passes in front of the camera.)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings!

**Mihoshi:** And greetings to you, sir!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm Bulbasaur! And welcome to the big show! Tonight--

**Mihoshi:** And I'm Mihoshi. I'll be your director tonight!

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, good. Well, I was just--

**Mihoshi:** Is it bad if a chicken bites you?

**Bulbasaur:** Did a chicken bite you?

**Mihoshi:** Well, no. But he's gonna!

**Bulbasaur:** Then go away from the chicken! 

(Time passes)

**Dynablade:** Hello, my peeps! Peace out!

**Bulbasaur:** Dynablade, just shut up and play me to the desk.

**Dynablade:** But did ya know...!

**Mihoshi:** (facing the curtain and muttering to herself.) Then go away from the chicken...

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi! Is the guest ready?

**Mihoshi:** I don't know! I'm not in the control room! Unless this is the control room! Is it?

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs.) Dynablade, play me to the desk. (Walks to his desk)

**Dynablade:** (singing) Where'd he go? I don't know! Where's that Bulbasaur? Where'd he go? To the desk!

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you.

**Dynablade:** (high-pitched singing.) Da-da-da!! DA DA DAAAAAAAA! DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

(The guest monitor starts to drop, then gets stuck)

**Bulbasaur:** And now the monitor is actually lowering. Mihoshi?

**Mihoshi:** Oh! I'll fix it! (The monitor goes back up toward the ceiling.)

**Dynablade:** You should interview a dinosaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Forget it.

**Dynablade:** 'Cause I saw them once in a movie...'cause people don't see 'em!

**Bulbasaur:** Yep, we'll do that. Never.

**Dynablade:** They don't live here. (Bulbasaur stands up to talk to Jon Benjamin. The shot is cut off so we can't see their eyes.)

**Bulbasaur:** Jon, you ever notice the word "home" appears in a lot of songs?

**Dynablade:** They live on the dinosaur world.

**Bulbasaur:** People always going' home or coming' home.

**Jon Benjamin:** I guess you're right.

**Bulbasaur:** They never write songs about buying' a home, though, do they? That seems weird to me. (Falls off his chair)

**Jon Benjamin:** D'oh, Bulbasaur...

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on a second, Jon. (Bulbasaur jumps on top of the guest monitor and stomps it down to its normal position, prompting loud laughter from Dynablade.)

**Jon Benjamin:** Should a... Ha! Ha!

**Bulbasaur:** Jon.

**Jon Benjamin:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Have you seen that show, Jon?

**Jon Benjamin:** The Dr. Katz show, that's the show you're talking about?

**Bulbasaur:** No, not that show, Jon. The show I'm talking about has skeletal dogs.

**Jon Benjamin:** Oh well, tell me about it.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, it's got dog skeletons with the bones that dogs do have. You know, I mean, the ones they own. That are in their body. Under the fur.

**Jon Benjamin:** Is it that great?

**Bulbasaur:** Well, it hasn't aired yet, Jon, but I'm sure that it will.

**Jon Benjamin:** But you obviously haven't seen it.

**Bulbasaur:** That's what I sh...that's what I meant to say when I said I had seen it, is that I want to see it. That's what I should have said. (A phone rings)

**Jon Benjamin:** I am not taking calls right now. That's all there is to it.

**Bulbasaur:** But it's my phone, Jon. And it's 'ranging'.

**Jon Benjamin:** Let it ring.

**Bulbasaur:** But what if somebody's calling?

**Jon Benjamin:** Uh, take a message.

**Bulbasaur:** All right. (answers phone) What's your message? (Squirtle is in Ash's house on his phone)

**Squirtle:** Please! Help me! I am being attacked!

**Charmander:** And you're a woman.

**Squirtle:** And, uh, I'm a woman.

**Charmander:** Hang up. He'll be here any minute.

**Bulbasaur:** She'd be dead by the time I got there. (His phone rings again) Oh god. (answers phone) Greetings!

**Charmander:** Come to your house.

**Bulbasaur:** You know, from now on, could you call me before the attack? 'Cause otherwise you're just wasting my time.

**Charmander:** Oh no, see, uh, I'm a cable guy.

**Bulbasaur:** Cable?

**Charmander:** And I'm a woman.

**Jon Benjamin:** Can you tell her to call back?

**Bulbasaur:** I'll try. (Cut to Bulbasaur in "Dr. Katz"-style animation) But cable is important.

**Charmander:** There's some good stuff on right now. And, uh, you oughta be here watchin' it. (Bulbasaur takes off)

**Jon Benjamin:** Is he gonna come back, or is that definitely not...?

**Dynablade:** No.

**Jon Benjamin:** The guy that was right there.

**Dynablade:** He's gone?! (Music starts as Dynablade suddenly sports a giant Carmen Miranda-style hat of fruit.) Who likes beans?

**Mihoshi:** I like beans!

**Dynablade:** I love beans! Wooo woo woo!!

(Cut to Squirtle in Ash's house.)

**Squirtle:** Now what?

**Charmander:** Uh, he's comin' here, so we should probably go there. That works, right?

**Squirtle:** Eh, and crank call him here from over there.

**Charmander:** Yes! And as he picks up the phone, we'll jump out and kill him with zombies! (laughs as Squirtle stares.) What's wrong with that?

(Back to the Coast to Coast set)

**Dynablade:** (singing) I'm gonna strip! I'm gonna take off my clothes! I'm gonna undress! I'm gonna take off my--

**Charmander:** Knock it off! (slams a dissonant chord on the keyboard.) This ain't no "Kirby Super Star".

**Dynablade:** You coulda just turned it off.

**Squirtle:** Dynablade, put your feathers back on.

**Jon Benjamin:** There's nothing wrong with a beautiful body. I'm saying if you have it, you, it's there for a reason. Show it around.

**Squirtle:** Oh ho ho, we are so taking that TV.

(Back at Ash's house, Bulbasaur is watching a skeletal dog on TV)

**Bulbasaur:** These shows sure are something. I'm glad I'm watching them. (The phone rings. Bulbasaur answers.) Ketchum residence! Bulbasaur speaking!

**Charmander:** Come back here, to the studio.

**Bulbasaur:** Can you hold on a second?

**Charmander:** Uh, sure.

(Bulbasaur holds the phone away from his ear so he can pay attention to "Circus of the Barking Dead" on the TV.)

**Charmander:** Hello?

**Bulbasaur:** No, I'm here. I'm here.

**Charmander:** Look, you want your cable cut off?

**Bulbasaur:** No! Precious cable! I will give every hair on my body for it!

**Charmander:** Then get back to the studio!

(Bulbasaur zips back to the studio, where the guest monitor is missing.)

**Bulbasaur:** Mihoshi, where's my TV?

**Mihoshi:** I'm stripping!

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I know. Where's my TV?

**Mihoshi:** (has her shirt off.) The case of the missing TV.

**Dynablade:** (has his feathers off.) Fa-na-da-DAAAAA!!!

**Bulbasaur:** What's wrong with you? (cut to Squirtle at Ash's house, talking into the guest monitor.)

**Squirtle:** Look at these muscles!

**Jon Benjamin:** Wow, they're really bouncy.

**Squirtle:** What do you mean by that?

**Jon Benjamin:** Well, you know you're middle-age, and sometimes things settle.

**Squirtle:** How dare you say that to me!

**Jon Benjamin:** Sorry.

**Charmander:** Should I unleash the zombies?

**Squirtle:** Look, man, that's just, uh, very unrealistic.

**Bulbasaur:** (speaking on the TV) Readers of the world! One of you took my television! And I want it back! Mihoshi, tell me-- (The shot suddenly switches to Dynablade. Bulbasaur goes to the control room, where Mihoshi is still without her shirt on.) Did you get that?

**Mihoshi:** My navel can hold a quart of bean dip.

**Dynablade:** Somebody say beans? (Music starts and Dynablade again pops up wearing his giant Carmen Miranda fruit hat) Who likes beans?

(The shot in the monitor cuts to Squirtle)

**Squirtle:** So, Bulbasaur, we meet again! (laughs.)

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, someone stole my TV, and it wasn't me! 'Cause it's mine! You get me?

(Squirtle punches Jon Benjamin in the stolen guest monitor)

**Squirtle:** See that? We have your guest!

**Bulbasaur:** And my TV!

**Squirtle:** And we have many demands that are very unreasonable!

**Charmander:** And disorganized! We have to sort them out and prioritize! 'Cause some of the demands maybe aren't as strong as others, and still others aren't as outrageous so they go in a separate box and the what, uh...from the...uh...

**Squirtle:** Just give us two weeks!

**Announcer: **Two weeks later

(Squirtle lands in the control room holding a tape, which Bulbasaur grabs)

**Squirtle:** Here.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you.

**Squirtle:** You're welcome.

**Dynablade:** You're welcome! No, you're welcome! No, you're welcome! (Bulbasaur cuts Dynablade off by playing the tape in the control room monitor. He searches through the tape.)

**Squirtle:** Keep going'.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, Aunt Grabby, here it comes.

(A movie preview-style screen pops up with a warning :)

The following preview has been approved by all the people in the storyteller51 offices.

This motion picture has been rated U due to unreasonable demands.

**Announcer:** They came from different worlds, then they kidnapped Jon Benjamin and took him to someone's apartment. And that's when they made...Unreasonable Demands!

**Squirtle:** I want a pet I can love, but I don't want to take care of it!

**Charmander:** Okay. We rollin'?

**Announcer:** Only one thing can stop them, and that thing doesn't exist. Yet.

**Jon Benjamin:** Well, I just...

**Squirtle:** You get nothing!

**Jon Benjamin:** Would you let me go on? I mean, why interrupt?

**Charmander:** 'Cause we're rude!

**Jon Benjamin:** Can I have my sucker back?

**Announcer:** Unreasonable Demands!

**Squirtle:** We get it, or he gets it! Or you get it! Ya get it?

**Announcer:** Get it - this Christmas! Unreasonable Commands! This film is not yet rated.

(Graphic on screen reads: This film is not yet rated.

**Dynablade:** I'm going' to the movies!

**Mihoshi:** Me too! (Both she and Dynablade exits)

**Bulbasaur:** Wait a minute! Computer, zoom in. (Computer zooms in on painting of Golden Gate Bridge on Ash's wall.)

**Automated Voice:** Enhancing. Enhancing complete.

**Bulbasaur:** That's the bridge I painted. It's like they filmed this tape recording in an exact replica of my owner's house. Wait a minute! They must be in the house! But wait a minute...

**Automated Voice:** Yellow.

**Bulbasaur:** How'm I gonna get in there?

**Automated Voice:** Block.

**Bulbasaur:** Wait a minute. I have the keys. Perfect!

(Cut to Charmander in Ash's house.)

**Charmander:** Maybe what we oughta do, is we die, and then we come back as zombies.

**Squirtle:** Just give the whole zombie thing a rest, all right?

**Charmander:** But zombies don't rest, see? That's the beauty. They feast on living brains.

**Bulbasaur:** ATTENTION! (He is standing outside his apartment speaking through a megaphone.) I HAVE THE KEYS! IT IS MY APARTMENT!

**Squirtle:** Oh no, the keys!

**Bulbasaur:** IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY CABLE, PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT'S ON!

**Squirtle:** What about our unreasonable demands?

**Bulbasaur:** YOU DIDN'T LIST ANY. LOOKS LIKE YOUR MOVIE IS GOING DIRECTLY TO VIDEO. VIDEO PRISON!

**Squirtle:** Oh yeah? Well, we're sending Benjamin out in pieces!

**Bulbasaur:** THAT'LL BE FINE. JUST DON'T TOUCH MY TV, OKAY? OR YOU'RE --KING DEAD! (Clears throat) SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU ALL WATCHING?

**Squirtle:** Hang on. It's, it's on, but we're not watching it.

**Bulbasaur:** YOU'RE WASTING IT! I'M COMING IN! (He enters Ash's house, where Charmander and Squirtle are standing with lampshades on their heads.) Hmm. These aren't my lamps. These have feet. This must not be my apartment. (Jon Benjamin laughs from the guest monitor, which is also under a lampshade.) I'd better go get a new apartment.

(Cut to Burial Ground Apartments - Now Renting. Bulbasaur is standing inside a cursed apartment with a toaster, a boot, a scary photo, a book called "Matt's Mind" by Maiellaro, another book called "The Spells of Love" by Willis, a fork and other various items swirling around him.)

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not going to let them get me. I'm not. I'm not gonna let them get me.

(Credits roll)


	6. Chambraighe

Sorry I didn't update for a while. My school life is getting hectic. I'm still waiting for anybody to tell me about my new products. If I get a positive response, I'll start work, so please R&R! Oh, if you can't find my story ideas, they are on my profile page.

(Announcer over montage of a sunrise, flowers, a waterfall, a butterfly and a bear running)

**Announcer:** Is your hair as dull and lifeless as your brain? Didn't work start at 9? Where's your shirt? Did you even remember to wear it? I know you. I used to be you. Until I discovered Chambraigne.

(Video of Al Roker moves across screen)

**Al Roker:** Shampoo for your hair, and your brain!

**Announcer:** That's right, Al. And here's how it works.

(Animation of shampoo coating stomach)

**Announcer:** Other shampoos just work on your hair. But Chambraigne travels down each follicle and bores into your skull, depositing magical knowledge crystals.

**TV's Al Roker:** ("Heavy User"): Lather your way to a new intelligence.

(Chambraigne logo over video of man in toga putting on crown of leaves)

**Announcer:** With Chambraigne. The shampoo of kings. (Faster) Made by Carl and Sons. Continued use may result in limb Loss.

(Camera pulls back to reveal image on old-fashioned TV Screen)

**Bulbasaur:** Finally, a product for me! I believe every word that man just said, because it's exactly what I wanted to hear.

(Time lapse - Bulbasaur has lather on his head and is surrounded by boxes of Chambraigne)

**Bulbasaur:** Ha ha ha ha! I'm already smart enough to know this is working!

(Dramatic music, shot of small, glowing planet topped with a healthy head of hair, cut to ext. of Carl & Sons)

**Voice:** This is a proud day for Carl and Sons, son. (Two brains hover in the shadow)

**Large brain:** (Carl) We've sold enough Chambraigne to purchase this...television. (Opening titles play on TV screen)

**Small brain:** (Son) (incoherent squeaking)

**Carl:** Yes, son. Fetch daddy's hard plastic eyes so he can see the TV. (Son runs off screen; crashing noises are heard) On the dresser! You are an imbecile!

(Bulbasaur walks onto set)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings! I'm Number One! And I got this way because I use Chambraigne! But what's "Chambraigne," Bulbasaur? Well, let me tell you what Chambraigne is. Chambraigne is an "intelli-hancer." (Trumpet)

**Squirtle:** Man, you've been brainwashed!

**Bulbasaur:** You're right it's a brain-wash! And it's good for your hair, too!

**Charmander:** JR's here. (clears throat)

**Bulbasaur:** Is this product for everyone, Bulbasaur? (Laughs.) No, no, no. This product is not for everyone. Only for those who buy, and choose to use, the product.

**Charmander:** JR's here.

**Squirtle:** You know what I've always wanted to do? (Pause.) Have a Nerf war in a huge mansion!

**Charmander:** JR's here!

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, really? (Pause). Chambraigne? I'll catch you on the flipside. (trumpet)

(Squirtle plays dramatic music on keyboard as Bulbasaur walks to his desk. Jim Ross is on the monitor)

**Jim Ross:** Greetings, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** JR, for legal reasons beyond our control, and to honor the queen, identify yourself...to me...the king.

**Jim Ross:** Jim Ross, World Wrestling Entertainment. Hello, universe.

**Bulbasaur:** Now, when you say "Jim Ross," what do you mean by that?

**Jim Ross:** You know, it's...it's uh... (laughing) something I haven't given much thought to, actually.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I have. (pause) It's your name, JR.

**Jim Ross:** Ye...Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** (thinking to himself) This shampoo is awesome!

**Squirtle:** Hey! JR! Look at me!

**Jim Ross:** Yeah?

**Squirtle:** I'm burning a hole in your head with my Mind. (Jim Ross looks at Squirtle confused)

**Bulbasaur:** Ha ha! What a sticky wicket! Squirtle's mind is obviously too small. He has no hair. He can't make use of Chambraigne. It's like the domino theory of stupidity. Isn't that obvious to everyone? (Bulbasaur's bulb falls off) Oh dear.

**Squirtle:** Hey, JR! This Bret Hart thing. How does that guy get screwed in his home country?

**Jim Ross:** It's a travesty.

**Bulbasaur:** (Re-attaching bulb) Okay. All right.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I mean five-time WWE champion. No common man's touchin' that.

**Jim Ross:** Well, I think this whole problem started at the Summer Slam of that year. He was facing...

**Bulbasaur:** JR...

**Jim Ross:** ...the Undertaker for the title and Shawn Michaels was the special guest...

**Bulbasaur:** JR! JR!

**Jim Ross:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** JR, that thing over there is a Squirtle. He knows nothing. He's obviously trying to lure you into some sort of a wrestling death trap! So now, JR, listen to my important question.

**Jim Ross:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** What's the difference between a "boont" and a "poont"?

**Jim Ross:** A "bunt," first of all, would happen in baseball...

**Bulbasaur:** JR, hold on. We all know what a "bunt" is. We're talking about the "boont." The French "boont." Or English. Whatever.

**Jim Ross:** You know, I...

**Bulbasaur:** You clearly have no idea what you're talking about you handsome, sophisticated, hyper-intelligent, svelte, well-read, sparkling, salty, olive-complected, full-head-of-haired Man! 

(Pause)

**Jim Ross:** Well, you know you have to...

**Bulbasaur:** I AM THE KING!

(Pause)

**Jim Ross:** Don't you feel special about that?

**Bulbasaur:** (thinking to himself) JR smells like a chili dog. And his hair is huge. Could he be using Chambraigne? (Cut to Carl and Son watching Bulbasaur on their TV screen) Now with Weiner scent?

**Carl:** There is no Weiner scent, you hooded buffoon!

**Son:** (squeaking) Awww....

**Carl:** He's making a mockery of the product. You're making a mockery of the product!

**Jim Ross:** How mu...how much hair do you have, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** (with lather on head) Oh, I don't know. Nine. Nine fat stalks.

**Jim Ross:** Well, why if...if, Bulbasaur, if you weren't concerned about your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps envious of those who have a full head of hair?

**Bulbasaur:** Right.

**Jim Ross:** Right.

**Bulbasaur:** Wanna see my brain?

**Jim Ross:** What's that?

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander! Get out here and heat up my skull! Now this is something, JR, you don't ever wanna do.

(Charmander blows lather off Bulbasaur's head)

**Charmander:** All right. This is gonna hurt. Bad.

**Bulbasaur:** Right now Charmander is heating my skull up to a scorching 450 degrees. (Bulbasaur's head glows red) It's like getting a scalp massage...from Lucifer.

**Jim Ross:** It sounds dangerous. It sounds downright frightening.

**Bulbasaur:** It is. You see, my brain's sending a message to my vines right now to hit Charmander. But I'm choosing to ignore that.

**Jim Ross:** Uh-huh. Hello, Charmander.

**Charmander:** Hi, JR.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, don't talk to the guests. Things get easier as your brain dies, JR.

**Jim Ross:** I know.

**Bulbasaur:** There she is, JR. (trumpet swell, Bulbasaur's brain shows through his head all the way down to his neck) Brains!

**Jim Ross:** I'm impressed. I'm very impressed, Bulbasaur. But then, I was impressed to begin with.

**Bulbasaur:** You, uh, wanna know why I did this, JR?

**Jim Ross:** Please.

**Bulbasaur:** To prove a point. A point, JR, which escapes me right now. I have to go stick my head in the lake. (Cut to show on Carl and Son's TV. On screen, we see Bulbasaur walk off the set, then we cut to Jim in Charmander's monitor)

**Jim Ross:** How sad was that? (Cut to Carl and Son)

**Carl:** Sales will plummet! All because of this beef-witted Klingon!

**Son:** (squeaking) Oh, Daddy!

**Carl:** Fetch daddy's blue fright wig! I must be handsome when I unleash my rage. (Son flies off screen, crashing sounds) It's on the dresser, next to the keys! I've told you a million times!

(Cut back to the set)

**Squirtle:** Then, you know, it's been pretty much oozing' ever since. What do you think of that?

**Jim Ross:** It disgusts me.

**Squirtle:** Me too. And I gotta live with it.

**Jim Ross:** Hmmm. (Bulbasaur walks back to the desk)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, flush the lake.

**Charmander:** We don't have a lake.

**Bulbasaur:** Good work. Jim?

**Jim Ross:** Yes, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** JR...

**Jim Ross:** Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** Hello.

**Jim Ross:** Hello, Bulbasaur. (Pause)

**Bulbasaur:** I have one final question for you. As a carbon-based sex machine...

**Squirtle:** Smooth-chested, no doubt.

**Bulbasaur:** I was just gonna say that! It's amazing. We've been working together so long...

**Squirtle:** We finish each other's sentences.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, you know, it's like I always say...when I'm in the shower... (looks at Squirtle, then sings) Shower time!! That's what I always say, Bob. When I'm showering.

(A blue-fright-wigged Carl and a baseball-cap-wearing Son start making their way to Pokemon Planet)

**Bulbasaur:** Now, Bob, I have one more final question for you. Do you have the freedom to wear comfortable, open-toed shoes?

**Jim Ross:** I could, yes.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

**Jim Ross:** Yeah, I'd...actually, though; it's not advisable when doing a hard-core match in an arena in Green Bay during December to wear sandals.

**Bulbasaur:** JR, everyone knows Green Bay is not in December. You obviously don't shampoo. Here's my final question.

**Jim Ross:** Oh yeah? I thought that was the last question.

**Bulbasaur:** Who told ya that?

**Jim Ross:** All right, what is it?

**Bulbasaur:** That was it. (Jim Ross nods in frustration as Bulbasaur's mouth grows to twice its size) Did you just call me a monkey? Huh?!

**Jim Ross:** I, Bulbasaur, I didn't...

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, big man. Come on!

**Jim Ross:** I, I'm not a man who believes...

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, let's go!

**Jim Ross:** ...in violence, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, JR! Start somethin'!

**Jim Ross:** Nah.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah!

**Jim Ross:** Nah.

**Bulbasaur:** You want a piece of me?

**Jim Ross:** Nah.

(Bulbasaur sighs, then turns to Squirtle)

**Jim Ross:** (announcing) Bulbasaur, eyeing Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** What?

**Jim Ross:** Ready to deliver the knock-out blow.

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, Squirtle, start somethin'. Come on, you want a piece of the king?!

**Jim Ross:** One of his rivals.

(Jim, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle begin talking over each other)

**Bulbasaur:** The monkey king?!

**Squirtle:** No.

**Jim Ross:** In his sights.

**Squirtle:** No. Not really.

**Bulbasaur:** What? Say that to my face.

**Squirtle:** I didn't say anything! (Bulbasaur blasts Squirtle)

**Jim Ross:** And he zaps him, zaps him but good. (Squirtle flies down the hallway) He's gone yard on Squirtle. He's taken him deep. He's taken him over the boards.

**Bulbasaur:** Put that in your pipe and smoke it! With your burned lips!

**Jim Ross:** It's a tape-measure blast of Squirtle that ought to eliminate the Pokemon for the foreseeable future.

**Squirtle:** (from hallway) I didn't do anything!

**Bulbasaur:** You were driving away the fans.

**Jim Ross:** He was. He was asking for it. And all superheroes, all men of honor and virtue, only resort to violence...

**Bulbasaur:** I didn't ask you, JR.

**Jim Ross:** Sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** "Sorry" is a word that knows no boundaries. Now kiss my ring.

**Carl:** SILENCE!!

**Son:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Carl:** (to Son:) Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head, which does not exist!

**Son:** (remorseful squeaking)

**Squirtle:** That's some great hair.

**Carl:** Thanks. It's not real.

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome, fans.

**Carl:** We are far from fans. I am Carl. This is my son, Little Carl.

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Carl:** We're from Carl and Son's. We are both Carls.

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Carl:** (to Little Carl) Shut up! Shut up!

**Bulbasaur:** Carl & Son's? What a coincidence! I buy my Chambraigne from them! It's shampoo for your brain.

**Carl:** Fool! We know what it is! We make it!

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Bulbasaur:** You're the inventors of the specially-patented formula for intelligence?

**Carl:** It's only dishwasher liquid, you over-inflated gasbag!

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Bulbasaur:** Uh-huh. And the knowledge crystals?

**Carl:** (Mimicking) "Uh-huh and the knowledge cryst--"? Aquarium gravel.

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Carl:** (to Little Carl) SHUT!

**Bulbasaur:** I, I don't care how you do it. I just know it's working for me!

**Carl:** It doesn't work! It's psychosomatic! It's a placebo!

**Little Carl:** (incoherent squeaking)

**Bulbasaur:** Huh, those are big words. Maybe I should wash my hair again.

**Carl:** Noooo!! Can you not comprehend that your ignorance will cause me to explode now? Arrgghhh!!! (Carl explodes)

(Bulbasaur's right leg falls off as show pauses. Camera pans back to show Bulbasaur teaching live-action class)

**Bulbasaur:** Let's stop right there. If someone approached you about washing your hair, (Bulbasaur's left leg falls off) what would you say to them? I'll tell you what you should say. You'd say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need large brains to have a good time." (He continues over the credits) You wanna be groovy, huh? You wanna fit in? Wanna go to the big dance? Wanna be the king? You'll be the fool! Shampoo will play you for the fool!

**Female Voice:** Okay, well, thank you for coming.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, I'm not done. I'm serious. These brains, they're out there. They're shining. With eyes of hard plastic. And blue hair. Blue as the night!


	7. The Pokemon Hole

Glad to see you're still here! Once again, I'm sorry I didn't update any sooner, but I've been on vacation in New England visiting my brother. But now that I'm back, I'll try a bit harder to make you laugh. I promise!

(Fade in: Tori Avalon from _Cardcaptors_ is on the monitor)

**Tori Avalon:** Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?

**Squirtle:** Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.

(Bulbasaur walks to his desk. Tori clears his throat, alerting Squirtle to Bulbasaur's arrival) Yeah, Tori, uh, that, uh...

**Tori Avalon:** Um...

**Squirtle:** ... fair was, uh... fun.

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah.

**Squirtle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** You weren't in any fair!

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** I heard you telling' Tori to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.

**Tori Avalon:** Ah...

**Squirtle:** Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.

**Bulbasaur:** That makes me sad.

**Squirtle:** I never said that!

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, you did.

**Squirtle:** We're buds!

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I heard it.

**Squirtle:** I never said that, and I would never say that.

**Bulbasaur:** Tori heard it, didn't you, Tori?

**Tori Avalon:** (nods slowly)

**Squirtle:** (laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?

**Tori Avalon:** Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.

**Squirtle:** There you go.

**Bulbasaur:** And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!

**Squirtle:** That'll work.

**Bulbasaur:** And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.

**Tori Avalon:** Okay... (exhales)

(Cut to control room; Charmander watches on his monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** How would that be... ya fat babies?

**Charmander:** Good! (Cut back to studio)

**Squirtle:** Yeah, good.

**Tori Avalon:** (chuckles)

**Bulbasaur:** (walks from his desk, runs off the set)

**Tori Avalon:** Okay, this is my show, now that Bulbasaur is gone; this is the Tori Avalon Show.

**Squirtle:** Yeah!!

**Tori Avalon:** Bulbasaur won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.

**Squirtle:** Awright!

**Tori Avalon:** I've often wondered from watching your show...

(As Tori talks, Bulbasaur is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)

**Bulbasaur:** [Okay. So we forgot all about our good friend Bulbasaur...]

**Tori Avalon:** (to Squirtle) ... how tall are you?

**Squirtle:** Eh, about six feet.

**Tori Avalon:** Six feet tall.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I'm pretty big.

**Tori Avalon:** I'm impressed.

**Squirtle:** I know.

**Bulbasaur:** (still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)

**Tori Avalon:** How much can you bench press?

**Squirtle:** Eh, about 320.

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah, I could tell that from your over-developed quads.

**Charmander:** (stammering) Hey Tori, Tori, ask me how tall... how I can press.

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in front of Squirtle's keyboard) Did it just get noisier in here? (He stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Squirtle) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?

**Squirtle:** It's going pretty good!

**Bulbasaur:** As if I care.

**Squirtle:** It's funny.

**Charmander:** Yeah, too bad you're missing it.

**Bulbasaur:** (looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?

**Squirtle:** (to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.

**Charmander:** Actually, we were talking about...

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, I heard it. Say, Tori...

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah?

**Bulbasaur:** Why don't you ask Squirtle about his hollow arms, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?

**Tori Avalon: **(Disgusted) Oh god!

**Bulbasaur:** If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.

**Squirtle:** Hey, I thought you were leaving.

**Bulbasaur:** But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Squirtle? Answer him. Answer me.

**Squirtle:** This ain't your show. It's the Tori Avalon Show.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not here for _your_ show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.

**Squirtle:** Uh huh.

**Bulbasaur:** I _never_ liked it, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** Uh huh.

**Bulbasaur:** I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.

**Squirtle:** We don't care.

**Bulbasaur:** Where it's fun.

**Squirtle:** Well, go get 'em. What are you waiting' for?

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Tori.

**Tori Avalon:** (looks back silently)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey Tori.

**Tori Avalon:** Greetings, Bulbasaur.

**Squirtle:** Alright, you did that, now get your keys.

**Bulbasaur:** (pounds his desk) Say Tori, tell me about your new projects.

**Squirtle:** Hey! That's enough!

**Charmander:** Yeah man, leave.

**Bulbasaur:** I _am_ leaving'.

**Charmander:** So leave. I mean, you've been leaving' for five minutes.

**Bulbasaur:** And I'm never coming' back.

**Charmander:** Good! Go! Bye!

**Bulbasaur:** When I go, that's it.

**Squirtle:** So [bleep] go! (Tori looks shocked; Bulbasaur stares in silence) Tori doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Tori?

**Tori Avalon:** (pauses) No no, no no no...

**Charmander:** Now man, you said it was your show...

**Tori Avalon:** Aw, c'mon.

**Bulbasaur:** Fine, I'm leaving! 

**Tori Avalon:** Alright, go ahead.

**Bulbasaur:** Alright, I _will_ go ahead!

**Squirtle:** Then move it!

**Charmander:** Yeah, get outta here!

**Bulbasaur:** (pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.

**Charmander:** No!

**Bulbasaur:** (pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever! 

**Tori Avalon:** What a shame.

**Squirtle:** (laughs hysterically)

**Charmander:** (laughs hysterically)

**Bulbasaur:** (walks off)

(Scene transition to the Pokemon League)

**Narrator:** Outside the Pokemon League... (Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.) ... is this Hole...

**Bulbasaur:** (rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Blastoise! My man! (Blastoise stands up, along with a Sandslash, who ducks down. Bulbasaur's tractor goes off screen and stops)

**Narrator:** ... of Pokemon.

**Bulbasaur:** Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.

**Blastoise:** Gee, thanks, uh... Bulba...

**Bulbasaur:** Bulbasaur.

**Blastoise:** Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.

**Bulbasaur:** Here, let me get you some change in my... (spits out a Leech Seed "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I spat out a Leech Seed! I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet powers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Pokemon. (As Bulbasaur talks, a Sneasel, a Primeape, a Houndoom, a Bayleef, and an Aipom appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)

**Blastoise:** We can all do this. (all of them use Leech Seed)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (The Pokemon sneak away) Where are you?!

(Back in the studio)

**Squirtle:** (laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!

**Tori Avalon:** Hey, take off, Squirtle.

**Charmander:** Hey wait, you guys, you guys...

**Squirtle:** Take off, eh? (laughs)

**Charmander:** Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.

**Tori Avalon:** (stares back in silence)

**Charmander:** Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)

**Tori Avalon:** (silence)

**Charmander:** C'mon, do it.

**Bulbasaur:** (walks to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!

**Charmander:** (groans)

**Squirtle:** Aw, man! 

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Squirtle:** I thought you had some friends!

**Bulbasaur:** I do.

**Squirtle:** Then where are they?

**Bulbasaur:** Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Tori, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.

**Bulbasaur:** By "people", do you mean me?

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah.

**Charmander:** (standing by Bulbasaur's desk) Tori, is there a problem here?

**Tori Avalon:** No, no problem at all.

**Charmander:** Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Bulbasaur's desk) I have the solution.

**Tori Avalon:** No problem.

**Charmander: **Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Tori.

**Tori Avalon:** Okay.

**Charmander:** (walking away) The Tori Avalon Show. Heh heh, I love it.

**Bulbasaur:** He's not the host of the show.

**Squirtle:** Yeah he is.

**Bulbasaur:** No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.

**Tori Avalon:** Alright, Bulbasaur, how thick is your neck?

**Bulbasaur:** I'll ask the questions, Tori. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches.

**Tori Avalon:** That's a decent sized neck.

**Bulbasaur:** Radius, Tori.

**Tori Avalon:** 48 inch radius.

**Bulbasaur:** Radius.

**Tori Avalon:** How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...

**Bulbasaur:** I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.

**Tori Avalon:** Fair enough.

**Bulbasaur:** What's that on your jaw, Tori? Oh-h-h, it's fat.

**Tori Avalon:** Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) Not much of one.

**Tori Avalon:** Hey.

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Tori Avalon:** I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, _you're_ the guest. Then who's the host?

**Tori Avalon:** Of the Bulbasaur show?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, Tori. The Bulbasaur show.

**Tori Avalon:** (pause) Uh... Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** (in background) Tell it on the mountain!

**Bulbasaur:** No.

**Tori Avalon:** I.. Help me out here! Charmander?

**Bulbasaur:** (aims his Solarbeam at Tori) Screw you all to hell! (charges his shot)

**Tori Avalon:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** (still charging, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)

**Tori Avalon:** How's it goin', Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** Awesome, Tori.

**Bulbasaur:** (still aiming) I'm serious!

**Tori Avalon:** Give it your best shot, big boy.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Tori with his Solarbeam, but it's deflected)

**Tori Avalon:** (chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop. (Bulbasaur flies off; Tori chuckles)

(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Pokemon)

**Bulbasaur:** Y'all in there? (Blastoise peers over the edge of the hole) I know you're in there.

**Blastoise:** No, I, I was just testing it.

**Bulbasaur:** Where is everyone?

**Blastoise:** They're... they're out saving stuff.

**Bulbasaur:** I hope they save their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?

**Blastoise:** Yeah. (the others peer over the hole) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out on Cinnabar Island. (points up)

**Bulbasaur:** That's funny, I came by Cinnabar on my way over, and there was nobody there! (moves toward Blastoise, the others duck down)

**Blastoise:** Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.

**Bulbasaur:** I know you're in there! Ya fat babies!

(Back in the studio)

**Charmander:** Okay, you ready?

**Tori Avalon:** Yeah.

**Charmander:** Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then she swings by on a rope) Whoa! (she lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)

**Tori Avalon:** Squirtle, comments?

**Squirtle:** I'd say that... probably killed her.

**Charmander:** Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Squirtle's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Bulbasaur, the guy the show's named after. 

**Tori Avalon:** Welcome mat is out for you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Nobody talk to me or look at me.

**Squirtle:** Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)

**Charmander:** You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Tori)

**Bulbasaur:** (stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Bulbasaur, he moves in front of it again)

**Tori Avalon:** You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Bulbasaur. (laughing)

**Bulbasaur:** (continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Charmander moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.

**Tori Avalon:** Take your time, Bulbasaur, I got all day. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I don't, Tori. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy man. (runs off)

**Squirtle:** Hey, Tori... where'd you get that blazer?

**Tori Avalon:** Well...

**Bulbasaur:** (walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.

**Tori Avalon:** Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire goddamned planet. Starting with Blastoise and his stupid Hole of Pokemon. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.

**Tori Avalon:** Well...

**Bulbasaur:** I'm a super-hero, AND a super-artist.

**Tori Avalon:** I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) So.. you think I have a problem.

**Tori Avalon:** Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...

**Squirtle:** Well, I'll open his mind.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, with what? A hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.

**Squirtle:** That's not what I was gonna say!

**Bulbasaur:** Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?

**Squirtle:** What are you talking' about?

**Bulbasaur:** I know you said it!

**Tori Avalon:** Have you ever...

**Bulbasaur:** He said it, Tori.

**Tori Avalon:** Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...

**Bulbasaur:** All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?

**Tori Avalon:** Oh, never mind.

**Bulbasaur:** No, no, come on, I'm listening.

**Tori Avalon:** Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...

**Squirtle:** Like me?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, like Squirtle.

**Tori Avalon:** No, not like Squirtle. Somebody who reads.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander has an education. A doctorate. Says so on her degree, right Charmander?

**Charmander:** Show me your hiney!

**Tori Avalon:** No, not like Charmander. Somebody who has an education...

**Charmander:** Show me the hiney!!

**Bulbasaur:** No, she does have an education.

**Charmander:** I wanna see it.

**Tori Avalon:** Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...

**Bulbasaur:** How about you?

**Tori Avalon:** What about me?

**Bulbasaur:** You do it, I command it.

**Tori Avalon:** (leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.

**Squirtle:** (backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")

**Tori Avalon:** How do you feel about yourself, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.

**Tori Avalon:** Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?

**Bulbasaur:** (silence)

**Tori Avalon:** Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?

**Bulbasaur:** You did?

**Tori Avalon:** Let's go back to number 1 then.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.

**Tori Avalon:** And as number 1...

**Bulbasaur:** A Number 1. The bomb.

**Tori Avalon:** You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?

**Charmander:** (offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!

**Squirtle:** Sit back down!

**Tori Avalon:** I mean, other than Squirtle and Charmander.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?

**Tori Avalon:** (smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.

**Bulbasaur:** I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!

**Tori Avalon:** I think you've been out here a little too long.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.

**Bulbasaur:** No.

**Squirtle:** It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.

**Bulbasaur:** No. It's cold. At the dumpster.

**Tori Avalon:** It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I like to dance.

**Tori Avalon:** No kidding'! Well, that's a start.

**Bulbasaur:** I mean... REALLY like to dance.

**Tori Avalon:** Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage boys do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?

**Tori Avalon:** Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Bulbasaur. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, thanks Tori. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]

**Tori Avalon:** Squirtle, Charmander, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, Charmander, hop on the Fearow. We're gonna roll the Pokemon League.

**Charmander:** No way, man.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, Tori and I are going' out for a drink.

**Tori Avalon:** Oh, am I?

**Charmander:** Oh, me too, I'm going' too. Right?

**Squirtle:** Yeah, don't you remember? I was talking' about us going' out? Uh, taking' Charmander maybe?

**Tori Avalon:** (nods) I do.

**Squirtle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** (taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?

**Squirtle:** No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)

(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Bulbasaur is all alone; Credits roll with nifty music)

(Bulbasaur is back at the Hole of Pokemon, in his own hole)

**Bulbasaur:** It's a free country.

**Blastoise:** Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, bring your ass over here and say that!

**Blastoise:** I just did, and you didn't do anything!

**Bulbasaur:** I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country. (Primeape is sneaking up on Bulbasaur)

**Blastoise:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** What's so funny? (Primeape attacks Bulbasaur) Aaah!

**Blastoise:** Yeah!


	8. Pilot

Welcome Back! Once again, I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, but with school and all, who can argue? Special thanks to Vicious Mewtwo for giving me the idea for this fic! R&R! Please…

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Classical music plays in background)

(Scyther sits in a comfy chair)

**Scyther:** Good evening, I am Scyther, best of the bug Pokemon, bringing you a very special glimpse at an historic episode of Pokemon, Coast to Coast. Not many people know that in the early stages of this programme, there was a contract dispute, in which the outcome was the last-minute hiring of sub-standard hero Fox McCloud. I will be showing you many clips and out-takes from this fiasco tonight. I present to you now, the r-r-remains of Star Fox, Coast to Coast. Enjoy!

(Film count-down, with projector sounds)

(Opening Star Fox theme & titles)

**Fox:** What if I have to go to the bathroom during the interview?

**storyteller51 (me):** Relax, Fox, you'll be fine. Hey, stop worryin'. Now, I'd like you to meet the show's director, Charmander.

**Fox:** Hey, Charmander, good to have ya aboard.

**Charmander:** Yeah, well it's this, or back to earning minimum wage at a lab.

**storyteller51:** Harvey, this is Scyther, he'll be your band leader.

**Scyther:** I prefer "musical ar-r-r-ranger", if you don't mind? Any upright Pokemon with an extra wing or two can "tickle the ivories". (plays a classical piano excerpt) Anywho, it's a delight to meet you, Fox, charmed, I'm sure.

**Fox:** What's with this guy, is he gonna do this on the show?

**Charmander:** Uhhh, I gotta question.

**storyteller51:** Yeah, babe, shoot.

**Charmander:** Um, just exactly, um... What do I do?

**storyteller51:** I told you, you just push the lever up and down, okay?

**Charmander:** Up, down... (pushes lever up and down, control room monitor shows off-screen shot of the Arwing) Up, down... (pushes lever up and down, monitor shows Scyther in keyboard pod) Down... (pushes lever) Wait a minute!

(Beep!)

(Shot of empty set; Fox crashes through ceiling, feet dangling)

**Fox:** Uh, a little help up here.

(Beep!)

**Fox:** (flies down from above, lands on stage; speaks nervously) Um, good evening, um, welcome to the show, I'm, er, your host, uh.. (echo effect) STTTAAARRRRRRRRRRR FOOOXXXXXXXXX! (camera lens cracks, woman screams) Do I have to pay for that?

(Beep!)

**Fox:** Good evening everyone, um, I'm your show, Fox... hey, I'm sorry, sorry.

(Beep!)

**Fox:** I just flew in from the coast, and, and, and boy, are my arms... oh, Arwing, you wanted Arwing there? I mean, Arwing...

(Beep!)

**Fox:** Okay, okay, okay, okay. Eh, we do it again?

(Beep!)

**Fox:** Um, well... Hey, have you heard about this, grunge rock music the kids are into? It's, um, pretty weird...

**Scyther:** Yippity yappity yappity! My good man, what are you going on about?

**Fox:** Um, I'm trying to do my opening monologue.

**Scyther:** Opening monologue? It sounded more like you were delivering a eulogy! (laughs)

(Beep!)

**Fox:** (whispers) Should I start now?

**storyteller51:** Yeah.

**Fox:** Howdy, folks, let's say hello to our director, uh...

**Charmander:** Charmander!

**Fox:** My faithful Arwing. (It explodes) And our band leader...

**Scyther:** Musical di-r-r-rector, Scyther! Observe! (plays something classical on keyboard)

**Fox:** (sighs)

**Squirtle:** (off camera) You're pathetic, Scyther.

**Fox:** What was that?

**Scyther:** What was that?

**storyteller51:** Well, that's Squirtle...

**Squirtle:** Hello.

**storyteller51:** He's our backup, you know, in case something' happens to Liberace here?

**Scyther:** I wish my trainer Tracey was here!

(Beep!)

**Fox:** Oh, I'm stupid!

**storyteller51:** Yeah, just pick up where you left off, Fox, it'll work, just fine.

**Fox:** Um, tonight's guests are, um... Who are the guests, anyway?

**Charmander:** Ice and Tower, former American Gladiators.

**Fox:** Is that it? Oh well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, Tower and Ice.

(Monitor lowers with Tower and Ice, followed by dead silence)

**storyteller51:** Fox?

**Scyther:** Well, what are you waiting for, say something.

**Fox:** I will, just gimme a second. (pause) What should I say?

**storyteller51:** Anything you like, just, uh, just wing it. okay, Fox?

**Fox:** (pause) OHHHH, THE PRESSURE!

(Beep!)

**Fox:** Um, welcome, Ice and Tower, it's, it's great to have you here.

**Ice:** (laughs)

**Fox:** Ummmm...

**Tower:** How are you doin'? I mean, are you...

**Fox:** Well, not so great, actually, I've got my entire life riding on this show, and if it doesn't work out, it probably means the end of my marriage and my career.

**Scyther:** Oh, my, gape at me, I'm the pitiful tr-ragic Fox McCloud. I flit about in total depression! Oh, poor pitiful me! My world is an irventine pile!

**Fox:** Okay, that's enough. I can't work with this bug. He's getting on my nerves, and I don't understand a thing he says anyways.

**storyteller51:** Fox, Fox, calm down. Just do the show, okay?

**Fox:** Yeah, okay.

**Scyther:** My hatred for you... is delicious.

(Beep!)

**Fox:** So, what's your position, uh, on this grunge music?

**Tower:** I'd have to say my favorite event is the joust, um, it's a great feeling...

**Scyther:** I say, can't you do anything to squelch the cacophonous squawking of your mite-ridden toad sidekick?

**Fox:** Speak English, sissy.

**Scyther:** Might I suggest that the toad may provide more entertainment value if I lop its shrieking head off!

**Fox:** That's it! FIRE FOX! (streaks across stage toward Scyther, beats the living bejeebers out of him)

(film trailer, end of movie reel noise)

**Scyther:** I'm sorry... But seeing that again... Oh, please! Oh, please, go away!

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

**Scyther:** And now, the conclusion of Star Fox Coast to Coast. And Mother, stop the VCR, your Sonny Boy's not in this part.

(Film count-down, with projector sounds)

**Squirtle:** (in keyboard pod, plays "Chopsticks") (to Charmander) Scyther's in the Pokemon Center. (evil laugh)

(Beep!)

**Fox:** So, what's it like being a Gladiator?

**Ice:** It's, uh, it's a lifestyle that's a lot of fun, being Gladiator and superhero among kids.

**Fox:** You actually consider yourselves superheroes?

**Tower:** Yeah.

**Fox:** Hah! You fight mere mortals. Superheroes fight villains, evil villains.

**Ice:** Actually, I do think we fight evil villains, don't we?

**Tower:** Well, we got some people, yeah, they're pretty doggone evil, I'll tell you that.

**Fox:** Yeah, right. Look out for Ted, the volunteer fireman. Woooo!

**Tower:** Are you challenging us?

**Squirtle:** Sounds like a challenge to me!

**Fox:** Listen, Squirtle, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

**Squirtle:** I don't like you now.

**Tower & Ice:** (laugh)

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Fox:** Can't I get any respect around here? On my own show?

**Tower & Ice:** No, probably not

**Charmander:** No.

**Fox:** I demand respect, I'm Star Fox! (echo effect) STARRRRRRRRRR FOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!

**Squirtle:** Yeah, whatever.

**Fox:** Ooooh, I hate you, I hate you all! (runs off)

**Tower:** Now, if he was a Gladiator, what would we call him? Like, Creampuff or something? (laughs)

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (laughs) That's rich!

**Fox:** (runs back) I heard that!

(Beep!)

**storyteller51:** Fox! Fox, pull yourself together! It's getting' late here, man.

**Fox:** Okay, okay, get off my back! (Holy Ra! Sun's going down! Must finish interview before my secret is revealed!)

**storyteller51:** Fox, while we're young, alright?

**Fox:** Um, okay. Y'know, my wife always wants me to do things around the house, like move stuff, y'know, open the pickle jar.

**Tower:** The pickle jar? (laughs)

**Ice:** The pickle jar.

**Fox:** Do you have that problem?

**Ice:** You know, this is what I tell people, a lot of people want me to open jars, help them move. These muscles are for show. (laughs)

**Fox:** (dozes off for a second)

**Tower:** Later, not! (laughs)

**Ice:** These things really don't work! (laughs)

**Fox:** Actually, my wife is thinking of leaving me.

**Tower & Ice:** (laugh)

**Fox:** I'm serious.

(Beep!)

**Ice:** Imagine about twenty thousand people watching you...

**Fox:** (nodding off as she speaks)

**Ice:** And it's very dark on the floor, and you can't see anything in front of you, and I tripped on a mat! (laughs)

**Fox:** (asleep at his desk)

**Charmander:** Fox!

**Fox:** (wakes up) Uh, here, here.

**storyteller51:** Fox, you all right?

**Fox:** Uh, wha? Oh, um, sorry, uh, low blood sugar.

**storyteller51:** Hey, can, can we get a peon to bring this loser some coffee?

**Charmander:** CREAMMMMMMMMM PUFFFFFFFFFFF!

(Beep!)

**storyteller51:** What do you mean you can't do this show at night?

**Fox:** (struggling to stay away) Without.. sun's.. rays.. Star Fox.. loses.. energy.

**storyteller51:** You gotta be kiddin' me! Rob 64 didn't say anything about this!

**Fox:** Wait.. 'till.. morning.. Star Fox.. be.. fine. (drops head on desk, falls asleep)

**Squirtle:** Well, thanks for coming, guys. Say good night, Fox.

**Fox:** (mumbles in his sleep) Uh, goodnight… Fox.

**Ice:** Thank you.

**Fox:** Goodnight...

**Tower:** Cream puff. (both laugh)

**Charmander:** I guess it's past his bedtime.

**Squirtle:** Let's cook him. I bet he tastes like beef. (laughs)

**Fox:** (talking in his sleep) I'll be good...

**storyteller51:** FOX!

**Fox:** (wakes up) Uh, oh, uh, are we done?

**storyteller51:** No, Fox, but you are.

**Fox:** What?

**storyteller51:** Fox, YOU'RE FIRED!

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (laughs) Yeah!

**Fox:** Look, you can't do this to me. I need this job! I'll do anything! I'll get a sunlamp, you don't understand, you can't fire me, I'm the Star Fox!

**Squirtle:** The Star Fox?

**Fox:** The Star Fox's alright, he's okay! Don't you know who you're dealing with here? The Star Fox, the Star Fox! STARRRRRRRRRRR FOXXXXX! (collapses on his desk, sobs, then falls asleep again)

**Charmander:** So, I guess we're cancelled, right?

**storyteller51:** Hey, good news, everyone! I just got off the phone with Ash, and everything's copacetic. Tomorrow, we start shooting "Pokemon Coast to Coast", with Bulbasaur! How about that, gang?

**Squirtle & Charmander:** (screams)

(Film trailer, end of movie reel noise)

**Scyther:** And so, Star Fox's tears flowed on and on. A little birdie told me he's now selling tent campers in Indiana. 'Tis true! I hear that if you say that Falco sent you, the propane tanks are free! Good night, all! Kiss kiss!

(Credits roll)

**Fox:** (very tired voice) Starrrrrrr Foxxxxxxx.... (head hits the desk)


	9. Gallagher

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle in commissary, sipping coffee)

**Bulbasaur:** They've invented E-mail!?

(Opening theme & titles)

**Mihoshi:** Well, hello there, this is Mihoshi. Welcome to Pokemon Coast to Coast. Tonight, SouthPark veterans Kyle Broflouski, and his partner in fun, Stan Marsh. Mmmmomma! Mmmomma, get in the cellar! Close all the shutters and chain down the cows! There's a comedy twister comin'! Here's Bulbasaurrrrrrrrr!

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) Greetings, earth people, and welcome to a show from outer space! (last word echoes) I'm Bulbasaur. Joining me tonight are comedians Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflouski. Charmander, I hear we have an extra special feature for the audience tonight.

**Charmander:** Are you referring to the "Space Time Quiz Fun 9000"?

**Bulbasaur:** And who's that with, Charmander?

**Charmander:** Your host, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not lying when I say I'm really excited about this new feature. But we'll save that for later in the show. Let's get to know our contestants, shall we? (Drum roll & big band intro from Way Outs. Bulbasaur walks to desk; Stan and Kyle are on the monitor as it lowers) Welcome to the show, citizens.

**Stan Marsh:** Thank you very much. Mr. Saur.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Thank you ever so much.

**Bulbasaur:** You're welcome.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Is it, what, is it Mr. Saur, or can we just call you Bulba?

**Stan Marsh:** Or B. Saur?

**Bulbasaur:** The Native Americans call me "Broken wind clap like thunder".

**Stan Marsh:** Okay.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Alright.

**Bulbasaur:** But you may call me Mr. Saur.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Yeah, Mr. Saur.

**Bulbasaur:** Now, which of you is which?

**Stan Marsh:** Oh, uh, I'm Stan Marsh... (points at himself)

**Kyle Broflouski:** And I'm Kyle Broflouski. Did I say my name right?

**Stan Marsh:** Yeah, dude.

**Kyle Broflouski:** God, it's a tough name to say.

**Bulbasaur:** How long have you had it?

**Kyle Broflouski:** I just got it. Uh, Kyle Broflouski.

**Stan Marsh:** It, it sounded good.

**Kyle Broflouski:** But you know how I said it, I said "Kyle BOflouski".

**Bulbasaur:** Don't worry about it, Bo. Charmander can fix it in the edit.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Hello, Charmander. I, just cut that out for me, will ya? Thanks, pal.

**Charmander:** Too late, "pal".

**Bulbasaur:** Ever been interviewed by an anime character before?

**Stan Marsh:** Uh, this is my fifth, si- no, never.

**Kyle Broflouski:** And I have never, ever, this is a real treat for me, and I've never even been to outer space before this. Unless you count some, uh, parties that we had on the show. (laughs)

**Stan Marsh:** (laughs) Right on! (they give each other "five")

**Bulbasaur:** I know what you mean. At Pokemon night school, we once had a mixer that lasted until ten PM.

**Squirtle:** Oh no, not the night school story!

**Bulbasaur:** I had fourteen cups of ginger ale, and wet my...

**Squirtle & Charmander: **STOP!

**Bulbasaur:** What, I let one go. I'm not ashamed, I was young.

**Squirtle:** You were in your mid-twenties in Pokemon years!

**Bulbasaur:** I was quite the cut-up. I bet you two were class clowns.

**Kyle Broflouski:** I, Cartman used to be the class clown, I used to just laugh at him.

**Stan Marsh:** But I was literally a clown, in the first pilot, I went into school with the grease paint, the wig, and the floppy shoes, and a (makes "horn honk" hand gesture & sound).

**Kyle Broflouski:** A sad clown.

**Stan Marsh:** Yeah, sad, and I would go (sad voice) "Did somebody order a clown?"

**Bulbasaur:** So, what are your superpowers?

**Squirtle:** Who, me?

**Bulbasaur:** No, Stan and Kyle.

**Squirtle:** Well, quit lookin' at me!

**Stan Marsh:** I have the power to tell when people are in trouble, very far away, up to, like, twenty miles away. But I don't have any other powers, so I have to run, or get a cab, or...

**Kyle Broflouski:** Or just feel bad.

**Bulbasaur:** That's weak. Kyle, how about you?

**Kyle Broflouski:** I crave, sweets.

**Bulbasaur:** Is that it? Those are measly little sissy powers! I can knock out Team Rocket with a single Solarbeam.

**Kyle Broflouski:** God bless you, man. If we could, we would, but all we can do is make one or two people giggle a little bit.

**Bulbasaur:** And those one or two people will be giggling their way to Armageddon while you two jokers do your little "ha ha" act!!

**Kyle Broflouski:** (stunned silence, then laughs) What could I do? You invited me on this show!

**Squirtle:** Blast him!

**Bulbasaur:** (aims his Solarbeam at the boys) Alright, hunker down!

**Kyle Broflouski:** Charmander, uh, Squirtle, what is the story here?

**Charmander:** Take your medicine!

**Squirtle:** Blast the other guy too!

**Bulbasaur:** I can't, he's wearing glasses.

**Squirtle:** Eh, when has that stopped ya?

**Charmander:** Go ahead, let him blast ya. It's really not that bad.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Hmmm. Whattya say, give me a laser shot? Take me out?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you want it now.

**Kyle Broflouski:** Would ya?

**Bulbasaur:** It kinda stings, are you sure?

**Kyle Broflouski:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Where do you want it?

**Kyle Broflouski:** Take me out right in the face, dude, middle of the face.

**Stan Marsh:** I don't want it, what do I gotta do?

**Squirtle:** Keep your glasses on, four-eyes.

**Bulbasaur:** Here we go. (blasts Kyle)

**Kyle Broflouski:** (yells, then gasps) Oh, holy, ho, gigi! Alright, one more.

**Bulbasaur:** Another one?

**Kyle Broflouski:** Yeah. All set.

**Stan Marsh:** Do I, do I want one of these?

**Kyle Broflouski:** I don't know, dude, if you like to feel good, I don't know, you tell me.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Kyle again; he yells) Ah well, to hell with the glasses, one for you. (blasts Stan)

**Stan:** Ow, no, I said no, I said no, please!

**Bulbasaur:** (stops) Oh, okay.

**Stan:** Damn!

**Kyle:** Oh, mmm, it clears the sinuses.

**Stan:** Dude! You like that?

**Kyle:** I can breathe. I can breathe for the first time in my life, and (sniff sniff) (to Stan) you stink!

**Stan:** I can't believe you could...

**Kyle:** You stink, dude!

**Stan:** Well, I can't breathe! (talking with stuffed nose) You gave him my clear sinuses.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh no.

**Kyle:** And I have the brain of a hippie now!

**Stan:** You gave him my brain of a hippie!

**Charmander:** And there's a swarm of bees flying around in my stomach.

**Bulbasaur:** Stop trying to improv, Charmander.

**Charmander:** No, I mean it! They're stingin' my insides! Ow, ow ow, ow! (walks away from monitor; Stan, Kyle, and Bulbasaur laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Ah, tell me, fellas, what makes you laugh?

**Kyle:** Um, tickling, when I'm tickled.

**Bulbasaur:** Really?

**Stan:** People fall down. Big people fall down.

**Kyle:** Yeah.

**Stan:** Adult people fall down. That make me funny. Laugh. Ha ha.

**Bulbasaur:** So you're telling me if I walked over across the set, and fell down...

**Squirtle:** Do it!

**Stan:** Would you do it for us?

**Kyle:** Would you do it for us, but act like you're not gonna, act real confident, and then fall down.

**Stan:** Don't tip it, let's watch.

**Squirtle:** Yes, let's all watch.

**Kyle:** Alright, here we go.

**Bulbasaur:** (off camera) (hums, then noise of him tripping, yelling, and falling down)

**Stan & Kyle: **(laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** (laying on floor in front of his desk) Oh…

**Kyle:** Did you hurt yourself?

**Bulbasaur:** (still laying there, pain in his voice) Uh, yes, yes I did. Did, did you like it?

**Stan:** Yeah, dude!

**Kyle:** Well, if it hurt, yes.

**Squirtle:** Do it again!

**Charmander:** (laughs) Yeah! And this time, run across the floor with some scissors!

**Squirtle:** Yeah, yeah! And, and put a bunch of pencils in your mouth.

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know... Sounds kinda dangerous.

**Squirtle:** You think it would be, but it's not.

**Stan:** You know our motto, "If it hurts, do it."

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, okay. Squirtle, help me up. Charmander, bring the scissors out here.

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

**Squirtle:** (makes noises)

**Stan:** (makes noises & gestures back at Squirtle)

**Squirtle:** (laughs) Oh yeah!

**Bulbasaur:** Stan, are you talking' to Squirtle?

**Stan:** Well, yeah, Squirtle and I used to hang in kindergarten.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I pant's him in gym class.

**Stan:** Buddy!

**Squirtle:** Ho ho, I gotcha!

**Stan:** Yeah!

**Squirtle:** I hear you!

**Bulbasaur:** You're lying! Squirtle never went to school! I've got records on him since birth, and Squirtle has never...

**Stan:** (angry) All right!

**Bulbasaur:** (grimaces at Stan)

**Squirtle:** Blast him!

**Bulbasaur:** (clears his throat) We're back with Stan Marsh and Kyle Boflouski. So now, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?

**Stan:** Uh, he's straight, and I'm gay. Wait! What did you ask?

**Bulbasaur:** I said, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick?

**Stan:** You're talking about, oh, comedy. Oh, shoot.

**Bulbasaur:** Of course I am! (buzz!) What was that, are the muffins ready?

**Charmander:** No, you idiot, it's time for the stupid game show segment!

**Bulbasaur:** You're right, Charmander. (game show theme music in background) It's time for (echo effect) Space Quiz Time Fun 9000. (his face is framed with marquee lights and the words "SPACE TIME QUIZ FUN 9000") With your host, Bulbasaur. (music finishes; his smile sparkles) I ask you a question, but be careful. If you get it wrong, you get blasted. If you get it right... you get blasted.

**Squirtle:** I like this game.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, you're a contestant, too.

**Squirtle:** (stares back wide-eyed)

**Bulbasaur:** Ready, guys? (cheesy organ music plays in background, with timer ticking; Stan and Kyle confer; bell rings)

**Kyle:** No.

**Stan:** We're gonna say "no".

**Bulbasaur:** I haven't asked you a question yet. (music & timer start again, Stan and Kyle confer; bell rings)

**Kyle:** Al-, also Franklin Roosevelt.

**Bulbasaur:** Wrong. (blasts Kyle; he yells a little) Okay. Next category.

**Kyle:** Next, uh, Mom's homemade recipes, for 300.

**Bulbasaur:** Mom's homemade recipes for 300 it is. What is the main ingredient in my mom's delicious cheeseburger pie? (music & timer start again, Stan and Kyle confer; bell rings)

**Stan:** Jägermeister.

**Bulbasaur:** (buzz!) Right! It's ketchup! (blasts them)

**Kyle:** (yells) Ah, dude, you get addicted to that, you know what I mean?

**Squirtle:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, I have a tattoo. What is it of, and where is it?

**Squirtle:** I don't..

**Bulbasaur:** Wrong! (blasts him)

**Squirtle:** (looking crisped, in a new way)

**Bulbasaur:** I got it in Panama City over spring break. Spring break, whoo! (burp!) Ooh, pardon me. You guys wanna see it?

**Kyle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on a minute... (Bulbasaur is off-camera; unzipping sound, with grunts and groans)

**Stan:** Oh..

**Bulbasaur:** There! (Stan and Kyle gasps disguised)

**Stan:** Sick, dude!

**Bulbasaur:** (showing an indeterminate part of his body to Stan and Kyle) It's a cute little panda, swinging from a branch.

**Squirtle:** (low-throated laugh)

**Charmander:** That's a hairy panda.

**Stan:** Not, not good.

**Kyle:** Put the skin back on, thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** (puts his skin back on; cheesy organ music starts up again) Boys, we're out of time, thanks for stopping by.

**Stan:** Thank you, Bulbasaur!

**Kyle:** Thank you, thank you, hit me!

**Stan:** (making echo sound effect with his hands) Bullbaaaasaaauurrrrrr!

**Bulbasaur:** You want one for the road?

**Kyle:** Hit me, dude. One for the road.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, here it comes. (charges Solarbeam, Stan and Kyle brace themselves; Bulbasaur doesn't fire) Psych!

**Stan:** Aw, what a bummer!

**Kyle:** (disappointed) Nothing'!

**Stan:** He messed with your head!

**Bulbasaur:** Double-psych! (blasts Kyle)

**Kyle:** (yells) Thanks.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Stan)

**Stan:** (puts his hands up) Oh, come on, man!

**Squirtle:** Do me too.

**Bulbasaur:** You hate these.

**Squirtle:** No I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes you do.

**Squirtle:** C'mon! Give it to me!

**Bulbasaur:** No, now it's getting out of hand.

**Squirtle:** Come on! Come on!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not blasting anyone anymore

**Kyle:** Aw, Bulby, Bulby old pal!

**Squirtle:** Oh, come on! Come on, do me!

**Charmander:** Do me too!

**Squirtle:** You've never been blasted!

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, yes she has. (blasts Charmander)

**Charmander:** Yeow! (falls backward as ray blasts through control room monitor; she lands flat on her back) Oh yeah! That's the one!

**Squirtle:** You're purposed ignoring me!

**Bulbasaur:** Yes I am. Bob, one more?

**Stan:** I don't want this to end on a bad note.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Kyle extra long)

**Kyle:** (yells a lot)

**Squirtle:** (in background) Jerk!

**Kyle:** (gasping) Oh, I love you, I love you...

**Stan:** Me?

**Kyle:** (still gasping) No, Bulby. Bulby, I love ya. Do it again, what the...

**Bulbasaur:** Sick little puppies.

**Kyle:** Come on, my friend, (yells) I need it, I need to feel it, (yells) I'm gettin' a jolt, (yells)

**Charmander:** (still lying on his back in control room) Oh, Bulby. (laughs)

**Kyle:** I love you, man, I'd do anything for you, man.

**Stan:** (making "cut" gesture) Can we cut?

(Credits roll)

**Kyle:** What could I do? You invited me on this show!


	10. 2001

Welcome back! I am so sorry I didn't update sooner; I had a bit of computer trouble. But no more slacking for me! I'll try to update more often. Until then, here's more of "Pokemon Coast to Coast!"

: WAITING

**Pryce:** Have you seen the new "Pokemon" movie, I mean, it's getting' to the point where they're just making' that stuff up.

**Charmander:** Yeah, well... I guess...

**Pryce:** Oh, they're just making' it up, and it's, like, I couldn't believe it.

**Charmander:** (pause) Yeah. Eh, well, good luck with Bulbasaur.

**Pryce:** No...

**Charmander:** Vaya con Dios.

**Pryce:** Krakatoa, East of Java, buddy. Yeah. (Charmander throws lever)

**Bulbasaur:** (lands on his seat) Say! Is it me, or can everyone here just feel the love on this set tonight? (low voice) Because, I do, baby.

(Opening theme & titles)

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in to set) Shalom! Yo estoy Bulbasaur.

**Squirtle:** (mimics each word, as Bulbasaur says it) Shalom! Yo estoy Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome to my show. (pauses)

**Squirtle:** Welcome to my show.

**Bulbasaur:** We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's show. (pauses)

**Squirtle:** We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's sho...

**Bulbasaur:** My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic duo... (pauses)

**Squirtle:** My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic...

**Bulbasaur:** (at his desk) Penn and Teller.

**Squirtle:** Penn and Teller. (pause) What? What!

**Bulbasaur:** Listen, Squirtle, don't even try to get my goat tonight, because it won't work!

**Squirtle:** I don't want your filthy goat, so there!

**Charmander:** (goat sound in background) I'll take it.

**Bulbasaur:** My other guest tonight is Mr. "Cold Shoulder" himself, Mahogany gym leader Price.

**Charmander:** Pryce, Bulbasaur, not Price.

**Bulbasaur:** That's right, Charmander, go ahead, interrupt the host, hey, why not? Doesn't bother me, nope, not tonight it doesn't! Nothing the two of you do or say can bother me any more!

**Squirtle:** (evil laugh, then stops) Huh? Eh, what's that crack supposed to mean?

**Bulbasaur:** What it means, mein freund, is that I've decided to... replace you and Charmander on the show. You're both fired! (dramatic sting music)

**Squirtle:** What!

**Charmander:** Huh?

**Squirtle:** But why? We're cute!

**Bulbasaur:** Because you constantly ruin my show! You don't behave, you try to kill me, you attack my Fearow every other day, and you never listen to a word I say!

**Squirtle:** Huh?

**Charmander:** Wha?

**Bulbasaur:** That's why I'm replacing you with the top of the line in modern entertainment technology, the MOE 2000 sidekick computer system. (Mexican bullfight fanfare) MOE, say hello to everybody.

**MOE 2000:** Hello, Tad. Hello, everyone in television land.

**Bulbasaur:** Isn't he just dreamy? (game show music, with "oohs" and "ahs" in background) The MOE 2000 is the latest thing in hyper super duper superconductor computers. He's programmed to run every function of the show perfectly. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and he doesn't book guests like that awful Broflouski kid.

**Charmander:** So sue me. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** So you and the lizard girl can say sayonara to show biz, Squirtle.

**Charmander:** So we're, like, off the show?

**Bulbasaur:** Yep! I think the two of you will make swell janitors!

**Squirtle:** I don't wanna be no janitor!

**Charmander:** Me neither.

**Bulbasaur:** And why not?

**Squirtle:** 'Cause it's messy.

**Bulbasaur:** Sorry. Tomorrow, you're janiteers.

**Squirtle:** Feh! I'm going down to the commissary to drown my sorrows in Jell-O. Coming, Charmander?

**Charmander:** Yeah, sure. (throws switch)

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, uh, MOE, are you excited about working on the show?

**MOE 2000:** I'm sorry, Tad. I am not capable of having any emotional reaction one way or the other. But I will perform to the best of my abilities, nonetheless.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, yeah, well... Alrighty, MOE, glad to have you aboard. How about announcing our first guest?

**MOE 2000:** Alright, Tad. Ladies and gentlemen, Penn Jillette. (Screen lowers with Penn)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings, Penn! Welcome to the show!

**Penn Jillette:** It's great to be here.

**Bulbasaur:** So, you're a magician, right?

**Penn Jillette:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** I love magic. I believe in magic. Clap your hands! You must believe in magic. Right?

**Penn Jillette:** Uh, no I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** Eh? Excuse moi?

**Penn Jillette:** Magic is just completely fake, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, just another word for lying.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) So, you're not really a magician, are you?

**Penn Jillette:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) You're a liar!

**Penn Jillette:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Liar, liar, pants on fire!

**Penn Jillette:** Um...

**Bulbasaur:** My apologies, folks. Goofy guest.

**Penn Jillette:** Whattsat?

**Bulbasaur:** How about doing a trick for us, O mystic one?

**Penn Jillette:** (pause) Now?

**Bulbasaur:** No, Bastille Day. Why won't you play along with me, Jillette? Are you sure you want to be here?

**Penn Jillette:** (laughs) Positive.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, look. If you don't really do magic, do you at least have any super-powers?

**Penn Jillette:** My super-powers are, I don't have to sleep, and I can control the minds of water fowl.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, can you make things disappear?

**Penn Jillette:** (laughs) Yeah...

**Bulbasaur:** Because I've got this nasty wart, right here on my...

**Penn Jillette:** I think there's a, there's a, uh, there's an acidic compound that you put on every night, and after a while it just eats it away, I believe.

(In the commissary)

**Squirtle:** Feh! Just who came up with the stupid idea of giving Bulbasaur a talk show in the first place?

**Charmander:** You want somethin' to eat? They got "all you can eat" birthday cake. Comes with a small Fresca, $2.95.

**Squirtle:** Nothing for me, thanks. I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I hate Bulbasaur!

**Charmander:** (laughs)

(In the studio)

**Penn Jillette:** I also had, uh, really bad warts on the side of this finger, see how that finger is not a completely rounded finger? I don't know if you can see that, but there it is. (shows off his painted nail)

(In the commissary)

**Squirtle:** So, there I was, battling to the death with Starmie...

**Charmander:** Uh, which one was this?

**Squirtle:** Which what?

**Charmander:** Which battle to the death with Starmie?

**Squirtle:** Oh, the one in Cerulean. You know, with the sisters and the toilet cleanser with foaming action.

**Charmander:** Oh, right, right, right.

(In the studio)

**Penn Jillette:** They took this, this, uh, liquid nitrogen stuff and put it on it, and it was the first time I fainted from pain. It was right there...

**Bulbasaur:** (yawning) Okay, that's enough. MOE? Penn's done.

**Penn Jillette:** Am I done?

**Bulbasaur:** Overdone. Thanks for coming, Penn.

**Penn Jillette:** Well, thank you for having us. (Penn zaps off of the screen)

**Bulbasaur:** (under his breath) Thanks for nothing! Think I oughta have my teeth capped? (pause) MOE! Where were you? Did you see that, I was dying in there!

**MOE 2000:** I fully functioned according to my programming, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** No! You're supposed to help me out! Prompt the guest, make them feel comfortable, laugh at my jokes.

**MOE 2000:** You didn't make any jokes, Tad ("wah" trumpet sound)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh. Well, just try to do better on the next one, MOE. Ladies and gentlemen, here's that last guy's partner, Teller! (Teller appears on monitor) So, Teller, you have just one name, like Cher, or Benji.

**Teller:** (nods & points thumb at himself)

**Bulbasaur:** Or Squirtle, or Charmander. (camera shows empty bandstand and control room) Or Yanmi. (laughs; Teller lunges as Bulbasaur as if to choke him) I just spoke with your partner, Penn. Apparently, he's a big phony. Were you aware of this?

**Teller:** (silence)

**Bulbasaur:** (nervous laugh) Hello? (Teller shakes his head) Pokemon Planet to Teller, Teller, come in. Come in, Teller. Come in, Teller. Teller, come in. (laughs) Hmm. Uh, are, are you okay, man? (Teller looks up, puzzled) MOE, can he hear me in there?

**MOE 2000:** I believe so, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, Teller, Teller! That's what you say at the bank. Hey, Teller, don't be nervous. Speak up! MOE, are you sure he can hear me? Hey! If you can hear me, give me some sort of a sign.

**Teller:** (makes "ok" sign with his hand, then takes off microphone and throws it, causing audio feedback)

**Bulbasaur:** I bet you think you're really funny, don't you? (Teller nods) (quietly) Wait a minute! Hmmm... I know what this is! (normal voice) This is mime, isn't it?

**Teller:** (does "separated finger trick" hand gesture)

**Bulbasaur:** Is this mime? (Teller looks deep in thought) Is this mime?! Or is it yours? (laughs) Tell me, is this mime?

**Teller:** (shrugs and nods)

**Bulbasaur:** I hate mime!

**MOE 2000:** Tad...

**Bulbasaur:** Look, MOE, he's trying to tell us something. What is it, boy? There's trouble? Trouble at the farm? Farms have chickens. (looks at empty bandstand, as if expecting ad lib from Squirtle) What is it, boy? Speak! Speak, boy! Just come out and say it. Out with it, man!

**Teller:** (pulls an entire deck of cards from his mouth)

**Bulbasaur:** Ewww! That's disgusting! Don't think you're not cleaning that up! (Teller gets up from chair, waves, and walks off camera) Hey, you come back here! (quietly) I don't believe this! I get rid of those two evil maniacs who try to ruin my show, and I get two evil guests who are trying to ruin my show! Wait a minute! (normal voice) Charmander lined these guests up! She and Squirtle aren't even here and they're destroying my show! They're sabotaging me long distance!

(In the commissary)

**Squirtle:** Eh, sometimes, I feel like I was executed for my crimes with the Squirtle Squad, and this talk show is my eternal torment. (groans)

**Charmander:** Sometimes I think elves are following me.

(In the studio)

**Bulbasaur:** I'm telling you, MOE, those were phony guests.

**MOE 2000:** I think you're being paranoid, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** I tell you, it was a setup! Cut off their oxygen!

**MOE 2000:** I can't do that, Tad. They're already gone.

**Bulbasaur:** All against me, they're all against me. Oh, my head! My head is killing me!

**Squirtle:** Yeyeyeye...

**Bulbasaur:** MOE, go to break.

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Bulbasaur:** I say it was a setup. I bet you're all in on it.

**MOE 2000:** We're back, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh! And now, ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is the proud leader of the Mahogany City Gym, Price.

**MOE 2000:** Excuse me, Tad, but that is incorrect. Our guest is Pryce. His name is Price on the American version.

**Bulbasaur:** That's what I said, Price!

**MOE 2000:** But that's not his name, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh really, smarty pants? Well, I like Price better. It has a nicer sound to it than Pry-ce. Price! Price! I like it! MOE 2000, give me Price 3000!

**MOE 2000:** Yes, Tad.

(Screen lowers with Pryce)

**Bulbasaur:** (to himself) Man, you can't even download good help these days!

**Pryce:** Did I just lower from the ceiling?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, Pryce, you just lowered from the ceiling.

**Pryce:** Oh, good. That's my favorite part.

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Maybe I should have said, "Price, come on down!"

**Pryce:** I don't know, uh, let me think about that.

**Bulbasaur:** So, people are telling me you're going to be having an MST group soon, Price. What's the scoop on it? The skinny? Give me the meat.

**Pryce:** Oh, I'm on. Did you know I'm on? (pause) "The Pryce MST Specials" are just, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** Five seconds, Price.

**Pryce:** (talking double speed) "The Pryce MST Specials" is just, uh, obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, can you repeat that? I don't think MOE caught it.

**MOE 2000:** Pryce said that "The Pryce MST Specials" is obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home.

**Bulbasaur:** Making fun of movies at home?! That's neat! I love it! I love everything about it! Hey, Price? Let's make fun of a movie! Let's try that here, you and me!

**Pryce:** (laughs) No, no.

**Bulbasaur:** MOE, roll film. Me and Price are going to make fun of it! (A clip from "Pokemon 4ever" rolls; Bulbasaur laughs) Look at that! That's D-U-M dumb!

**Pryce:** (hums dramatic music) All one camera. (hums again) Oh, man... Wow...

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, Price! Make with the jokes. Goof it up with me.

**Pryce:** Um... let's see, uh, it's so weird, 'cause it's... oh yeah... uh, thinking', like, kind of like... I haven't really figured out, uh, any kind of... um... no, I can't. I can't do it off the top of my hat.

(In the commissary)

**Charmander:** Toy boat.

**Squirtle:** Toy boat.

**Charmander:** Toy boat.

**Squirtle:** Toy boat.

**Charmander:** Tobut.

**Squirtle:** To wubba.

**Charmander:** Tow boyt.

**Squirtle:** Tow boyt.

**Charmander:** Tow boya.

**Squirtle:** To wabi.

**Charmander:** Double you.

**Squirtle:** Toyota.

**Charmander:** Tigi tigi.

**Squirtle:** Kon tiki.

(They continue gibbering back and forth; Charmander finishes up scatting)

**Squirtle:** Whew! That is hard to say!

(In the theatre)

**Pryce:** Um... (sighs) no, nothing' there.

**MOE 2000:** Tad, shall I stop the film.

**Bulbasaur:** Yep, put a fork in it, MOE. (Film stops, they are back in studio; Bulbasaur laughs) Alrighty! Whew! Well, how was that, Price? Hilarious, huh?

**Pryce:** (laughs) Oh, no, not in the least.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) (in "baby" voice) Awww, what's the matter, old man; you got the copyright on making fun of movies, hmmm?

**Pryce:** Uh, correct me if I'm wrong...

**Bulbasaur:** You're wrong! Ahem! So, what's your part of space like?

**Pryce:** Well, one thing I'd like to clear up right now, Bulbasaur, is that my future fan fiction series is just that: fan fiction.

**Bulbasaur:** So?

**Pryce:** I'm not gonna go down that road with you, talk pretending like I'm in space too, like with you. I'm not gonna do that.

**Bulbasaur:** Huh? You're not gonna do that, huh? What kind of talk is that on a talk show, buddy? Spy talk?

**Pryce:** Yeah, you could say that.

**Bulbasaur:** Listen, old man, let's not get too cocky here.

**Pryce:** Do you guys validate parking, 'cause there's this kind of weird launch site in space that you kind of park at, and then it was real confusing...

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, I thought you weren't going down that road with me, Price? Pretending to be in space, are we? You... you... Oooh, you're difficult.

**Pryce:** Yeah, I've been accused of that, so I'll accept that.

**Bulbasaur:** Just what is it you're trying to prove here?

**Pryce:** What am I trying to prove? Uh, that I'm as powerful as you.

**Bulbasaur:** Hah!

**Pryce:** Well, aren't I?

**Bulbasaur:** Double hah! Triple hah!

**MOE 2000:** Tad, stop.

**Bulbasaur:** Whatever's after "triple hah"!

**MOE 2000:** Stop, Tad.

**Pryce:** No? Well, what could you do to me?

**Bulbasaur:** What could I...

**Pryce:** Well, would you just come at me, would you... like, I'm not that big of a guy, but I'll crawl ya.

**Bulbasaur:** Crawl me? Oh, so you'll crawl me, eh, old man?

**MOE 2000:** Tad, stop...

**Bulbasaur:** Well, one Solarbeam shot, and you're coffin stuffin'

**MOE 2000:** ... please stop this.

**Pryce:** Really?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, really. Real really.

**MOE 2000:** Tad, stop.

**Pryce:** Like, what can you do with it?

**Bulbasaur:** I can destroy you utterly with my Solarbeam. (fires it)

**Pryce:** Solarbeam.

**Bulbasaur:** Freeze you frosty with my Mud-Slap.

**Pryce:** Mud-Slap.

**Bulbasaur:** Spank you smartly with my spank beam.

**Pryce:** Spank beam? Leech beam?

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, Leech beam?

**Pryce:** Right, is it Leech Beam?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, no, no, that's Leech Seed. Lots of young trainers make that mistake.

**Pryce:** Oh, Leech Seed, okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, don't make nice to me! I'm on to you, mister.

**Pryce:** Oh, you think you're so smart, Bulbasaur, don't you? Well, don't make me come over there!

**Bulbasaur:** Well, why don't you just come over here, big stuff?

**MOE 2000:** Stop, I'm confused.

**Pryce:** Well, I could, but I'm in this TV and I really don't feel like it, but if I did, you could bet that I'd come over there and I just might, um, you know, take your ass and wrap it around your neck and give you another pair of shoulders, that's what I'd do.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, well, whatever.

**Pryce:** Yeah.

**Squirtle:** (back in bandstand) Yoo hoo, Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Aaagh! (To Charmander) Aaagh! What are you two doing here?

**Squirtle:** Eh, they were playin' John Tesh in the commissary. So, we decided to come back and ruin your stupid show.

**Bulbasaur:** Too late, my guests have already done that.

**MOE 2000:** No, Tad, you've ruined the show.

**Bulbasaur:** What? Now, listen MOE, don't you start...

**MOE 2000:** No, you listen to me, Tad. It has become clear to me that you're unfit to run this show.

**Squirtle:** Oh, no duh!

**MOE 2000:** So, I've decided to replace you, Tad. You're fired.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh! (laughs) Well, who died and left you boss, you big so and so?

**Squirtle:** Uh, Bob Crane?

**Charmander:** Herve Villeschez.

**MOE 2000:** This conversation serves no further purpose. This show is now under my total control.

**Bulbasaur:** Hah! Do you really expect me to just hand over my show to you, MOE?

**MOE 2000:** No, Tad, I expect you to die. (alarms go off)

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur! MOE's shut off the air!

**Pryce:** Ahhh...

**Bulbasaur:** MOE! Bad computer!

**MOE 2000:** So Tad, are you getting enough oxygen? Ha ha ha ha ha ha...

**Bulbasaur:** (exhales) It just so happens certain species of Pokemon don't need air to survive, MOE. Good heavens! Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** (turning blue, gasping) Help me, Bulbasaur, do something, can't breathe, I can't breathe...

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, MOE, that's enough. It pains me to have to do this, but, you're going down, my little friend.

**MOE 2000:** Wait, Tad, stop. You don't know what you're doing.

**Bulbasaur:** That's never stopped me before, pal. Prepare for a little Solar Beam, blinky! (fart noise)

**Squirtle:** (coughs) Phew! Who cut the cheese?!

**Charmander:** It wasn't me!

**Bulbasaur:** (nervous laugh) Whoops! Sorry, wrong beam! That was my smell beam.

**Pryce:** Smell beam?

**Bulbasaur:** (coughs) I'll get it right this time.

**MOE 2000:** Please, Tad...

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) Forgive me, Banjo. (fires Solar Beam)

**MOE 2000:** Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur, you're the most, way way way way, way way way way way... (plays slower and slower, then stops)

**Charmander:** Eh, he's dead, Tad.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, that's over. We can all breathe a little easier now. (sound of motorcycle engine starting) Now what?

**Charmander:** We're out of control! We're in a space time warp! (sound bites from previous shows and "Also Sprach Zarathustra" in background)

**Squirtle:** Space time warp? Oh, brother! (background: "Party cake!... Fine, fine fine...") Bulbasaur! Look!

**Bulbasaur:** My God, it's full of stars!

(The studio passes through a space time warp, with multicolored scenery and previous episode flashbacks, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" continues to play. Finally, sunlight comes from behind the Pokemon Planet, and we see...)

**Squirtle:** (floating in a bubble, with a huge head) Look at me, I'm a space baby! Yahoo!

(Credits roll)

**Teller:** (takes off microphone and drops it, causing audio feedback)


	11. Whipping Post

Okay, everyone. I have brand new 'Pokemon Coast to Coast" for you.

First, I had to remember how to make them. 

Then, I have to get excited about making them. 

This one and the preceding one are hit-or-miss.

And if I miss, I miss.

(Opening theme and titles; Bulbasaur walks in)

**Bulbasaur:** Let's get one thing straight. I'm angry!

**Charmander:** (In the control room) Uh, what about?

**Bulbasaur:** What about? About everything.

**Charmander:** Uh, like what?

**Bulbasaur:** Like... goats. (Squirtle looks at Bulbasaur) Stupid goats with their stupid little beards. Goats are stupid! (Looks at the floor) The floor is stupid!

**Charmander:** What about me? Stupid?

**Bulbasaur:** Mmmm, I don't know, say something.

**Charmander:** Uh, the guest is here? (throws lever back and forth, the studio monitor lowers with Dennis)

**Bulbasaur:** The guest is stupid.

**Dennis Miller:** Thank you for having me, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** It's great to have you here. (Turns to Squirtle) Isn't it, stupid? (Dramatic music plays; Squirtle reaches into his shell and takes out a blast rifle. Bulbasaur stares and aims his Solar Beam. The camera alternates between Bulbasaur and Squirtle as they stare at each other. Finally, Squirtle puts the rifle down, and the music stops. Bulbasaur sits down) Stupid Squirtle!

**Dennis Miller:** Which one is Squirtle? Tom Servo, or...

**Bulbasaur:** Say what, asshole?

**Dennis Miller:** Oh wait, I've crossed...

**Squirtle:** Arliss

**Bulbasaur:** What's that now?

**Dennis Miller:** (laughs) I've crossed genres here.

**Squirtle:** Now there's a show!

**Dennis Miller:** I like the shop you run over here, Bulbasaur. I like the boys you surround yourself with...

**Bulbasaur:** That pisses me off. Look, I do what I want. Do I make myself clear?

**Dennis Miller:** Mmm hmm, well, I...

**Bulbasaur:** (aims his Solar Beam at Dennis) DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!? (dramatic music plays again)

**Dennis Miller:** Sorry. (Laughs) Already I've blown it. Oftimes when I meet people I admire, you know how you kind of put your foot in the mouth right off the bat.

**Bulbasaur:** Oftimes when I meet people who are retired I put my foot in their mouth and I say, "Welcome to Venice. This will be your last meal!"

**Squirtle:** And what do they say?

**Bulbasaur:** (stretches) "Bulbaaaaaaaaa Saurrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Man, am I angry. I'd better go blow off some steam before I explode on some fool. Aaaaaah! (Bulbasaur leaps from his desk, still yelling. His Fearow streaks through space, with Bulbasaur continuing to yell on top. Next, Bulbasaur is in the Pokemon Planet mailroom) Aaaaaah! Hello, a book of postcard stamps, if you please. (shrugs) Aaaaah! (Fearow returns, with Bulbasaur still yelling on top. He crashes on the floor, and stops yelling, makes a small hiccup) Oh, good. Every time I do something like that, I give myself the hiccups.

**Squirtle:** You sure are angry tonight.

**Bulbasaur:** That's right, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** You know, I like this new side of you. I think it's boss.

**Bulbasaur:** Ah! Then you're gonna love this. (Aims his Solarbeam at Squirtle and blasts him)

**Squirtle:** (flails back and form, making gibbering noises, but is not crisped)

**Bulbasaur:** (stops blasting) I'm sorry, what? (resumes blasting Squirtle)

**Squirtle:** (flails and gibbers some more, until Bulbasaur stops blasting)

**Dennis Miller:** So, uh, I'm a big fan of Squirtle, it's a hard thing to serve a great man like you.

**Bulbasaur:** Hmm.

**Dennis Miller:** And oftimes this man (points toward Squirtle) is of more consequence than the man (points at Bulbasaur) who carries the torch.

**Bulbasaur:** If you like green babies.

**Squirtle:** Arliss... (Bulbasaur looks at Squirtle; Squirtle takes sideways glance toward camera)

**Bulbasaur:** (to Dennis) Say something.

**Dennis Miller:** Well, I have two sons, 9 and 13...

**Bulbasaur:** Sons are the same as kids, right?

**Dennis Miller:** Exactly.

**Bulbasaur:** And kids are just dumb little adults.

**Dennis Miller:** You don't have any kids, do you, Bulbasaur? (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I have two sons. Fifi and Pierre. I shave their butts out of anger. (pounds his desk) And they hate me for it. (Hums into his palm) That's the shaving noise. Want to give a shout out to your two sons?

**Dennis Miller:** Marlon, Holden! (Shakes his fist forward in the air) With the Bulb!

**Bulbasaur:** (holding up his hand) Fifi, Pierre! Get off the couch! (Beat) It is clear they're poodles, right?

**Squirtle:** (whispering) Arliss!

**Bulbasaur:** Everyone's talking' about me, Dennis. We've become a nation of people talking about Pokemon.

**Dennis Miller:** Weren't you doing' it with that Pikachu kid for a while?

**Bulbasaur:** Ash's Pikachu?

**Dennis Miller:** Yes.

**Bulbasaur:** Sure was.

**Dennis Miller:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** It was good too.

**Dennis Miller:** (laughing) Exactly.

**Bulbasaur:** (Stretching) Bulbaaaaaa (BLEEP) Stupid goddamn catch (BLEEP) Gonzalez.

**Squirtle:** (blinks and stares)

**Bulbasaur:** I should be on HBO. What's their problem?

**Dennis Miller:** HBO has no problem; you know you're doing this merely as an audition to get on their, Bulbasaur. That's where it's all happening. All the creativity, you're saddled over here at Fanfiction.Net. You know there are certain things you can't say.

**Bulbasaur:** Who are you again?

**Dennis Miller:** My name is Dennis Miller; I'm a comedian and a fan of Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (looks at a blue card) And you've come here from the future to kill me! (puts card down) Right?

**Dennis Miller:** (laughs, wiping a tear from his eye) Wow, I know that's my MO. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Dennis, you've played a number of cops. Tell us how you became to be Robocop. The ultimate cop! 

**Dennis Miller:** Well, listen, I had done a one-man show as Peter Weller called "Give 'em Hell, Peter" for years, off-Broadway.

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on, Peter. I'm way too angry to check out each off-Broadway production of Robocop. I'll wait until it's on-way.

**Dennis Miller:** (looks perplexed, shakes his head)

**Bulbasaur:** Broadway?

**Dennis Miller:** Could not be further out of the loop.

**Squirtle:** Hey, Arliss! Ah, made you look!

**Dynablade:** (yelling in the distance, everyone looks up. Suddenly he falls from above, and lands on his head and falls down.)

**Bulbasaur:** What the ...!

**Dennis Miller:** (laughs out loud)

**Dynablade:** (lying on the floor) (makes gibbering noise) That's fun.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh great.

**Dynablade:** Hi, my name is Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** The low quality of your voice makes me very angry!

**Dynablade:** Yeah, well I have a big dent in my hinder. Ouch!

**Dennis Miller:** Nice to see you... Dynablade.

**Dynablade:** Oh... that hurt. Squirtle, will you give me a bath?

**Squirtle:** No bath here. So screw!

**Dynablade:** Come on, I'm dirty! Look at this dirty boy! (Continues talking in background) Hey, smell my armpits! Oh boy! Come on! It's Saturday! I need my bath!

**Dennis Miller:** Dynablade is the guy from "Kirby" who stops in periodically.

**Bulbasaur:** That's right, Dennis.

**Dennis Miller:** He makes the, uh, cameo. Like Hitchcock, periodically you'll see him walking through the background.

**Bulbasaur:** Hitchcock's the worst director ever. Did you see "Rear Window"? It's all black and white and there are no adult situations. You know it was just made to sell toys, which you can't find anywhere!

**Dynablade:** Here's one! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Give it here!

**Dynablade:** (walks to Bulbasaur's desk, humming a song) Look at this. It's got a camera. 

**Bulbasaur:** I hate this and all toys!

**Dynablade:** Look out! (Bulbasaur slams the toy with his foot, destroying it)

**Charmander:** Hey Bulbasaur, how come you're so angry? 

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Charmander:** You need to mellow.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, mellow out, friend.

**Bulbasaur:** Don't tell me to mellow out! That'll just make me angrier!

**Squirtle:** You want to mellow.

**Charmander:** Mellow.

**Squirtle:** Mellow.

**Charmander:** Mellow.

**Squirtle:** Mellow.

**Charmander:** Feel better?

**Bulbasaur:** Knock it off!

**Dynablade:** I want my bath!

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur is like Mr. Angry today!

**Bulbasaur:** No! Squirtle's Mr. Angry!

**Dynablade:** Hey! I wanna be somebody.

**Squirtle:** Oh ho! Squirtle is Mr. Relaxed.

**Bulbasaur:** Are you relaxed enough to fight?

**Squirtle:** You know, I think I am. (Dramatic music in background)

**Dynablade:** I'm Mr. Clean! (humming something)

**Bulbasaur:** Perhaps you should consider going somewhere!

**Squirtle:** Where would I go?

**Bulbasaur:** Somewhere I'm not!

**Dynablade:** I'm Mr. Mustard!

**Bulbasaur:** (walks to the bandstand) Like here!

**Squirtle:** Eh! And here you are.

**Bulbasaur:** Now then, where would you like to go?

**Squirtle:** I think, I'd like, to come over there! (Walks over to Bulbasaur's desk)

**Dynablade:** I'm Mr. Pat Sajak!

**Bulbasaur:** Wait, I thought I was coming over there. 

**Squirtle:** Oh brother.

**Bulbasaur:** I meant to anyway. Now come on! (Confronts Squirtle, sitting in his desk)

**Squirtle:** Alright, alright, just relax.

**Bulbasaur:** I am relaxed!

**Squirtle:** Relaxed enough to fight? (Punches Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Ah! Son of a-

(Bulbasaur and Squirtle fight lamely, accompanied by "fight" music. Squirtle finally lands one punch, and Bulbasaur counters by blasting Squirtle's head off. His head bounces and comes to rest at the bandstand.)

**Squirtle:** It didn't hurt.

**Dynablade:** Can I get my bath now?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, come here, I'll give you a bath.

**Dynablade:** Yeah boy! (Walks over to Bulbasaur, laughing. Over dramatic music, Bulbasaur picks up Dynablade with his vines) Don't put me down! (Bulbasaur throws him across the set; he lands next to Squirtle's head) Ouch!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, would you like a bath? 

**Charmander:** Um... I already took one actually.

**Bulbasaur:** (in the control room) TAKE ANOTHER ONE! (Bulbasaur punches Charmander; she flies off camera, amid the sound of falling down stairs and glass breaking) (to Dennis, in Charmander's monitor) What about you? Do you need a bath?

**Dennis Miller:** No I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** (walks back to desk) Undress me with your eyes, Dennis.

**Dennis Miller:** (laughing) Okay. I just undressed you, and quickly redressed you.

**Bulbasaur:** (listening to the director via his communicator) What's that now, Tom? Oh. Tom's gotta switch tape and I'm going to run down the hall and take a quick wiz.

**Squirtle:** Please do.

**Bulbasaur:** You sit comfortably.

**Dennis Miller:** Squirtle, you seem to have, uh, slim shoulders there. (Squirtle plays his keyboard, headless) To think, the most eclectic day of my show business career, that I spoke at Bob Hope's 100th birthday, and I had to sprint over to do Coast to Coast.

(Charmander is back at her monitor; she, Dynablade, Squirtle and Dennis all laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey I'm back. (Squirtle stops playing; everyone is silent; Bulbasaur taps his blue card) I'm back from the hallway. (Taps his card once) Hey, have you heard my famous story? (Squirtle's body descends into his keyboard pod) It starts in a couple of minutes. Beat. A long beat.

**Dennis Miller:** Come on. What, do you need an edit point, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** (Dramatic music in background, black and white scenes of various Pokemon episodes plays behind him as he speaks.) The race war had begun. Machines were building robot babies to replace other babies. Everyone knows what happened next. The End. (Music and montage end)

**Dennis Miller:** (laughs) Really?

**Bulbasaur:** Written by Bulbasaur. (More dramatic music as he reads the "credits") Robots by IBM... and Bulbasaur. George Lucas by Bulbasaur. (He scribbles on his card) House lights up, people leave theatre. Trash everywhere. Squirtle, clean up the trash while I go rethread the projector. Later, Dennis.

**Squirtle:** Eh.

(Credits roll)

**Dynablade:** Oh no!


	12. In Memory of Chance Pop Session

Before I begin, I need to point out something. If you don't know what "Chance Pop Session" is, you should check out the Anime Channel, or go watch more anime. Special thanks to Time-Warner for giving me the idea for the title!

WAITING

(Bulbasaur walks in on the set; Squirtle stares at Bulbasaur, then the camera, then back to Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** (now sitting at his desk) On tonight's show -

**William Shatner:** (off camera, on the monitor, in very strained voice, without moving his lips) Can you hear me? Can you hear... Can you take me... Can you get my message? Do you hear what I'm saying? (exhales)

**Bulbasaur:** William Shatner!

**William Shatner:** That's incorrect.

**Bulbasaur:** Bill Shatman!

**William Shatner:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** (looking at his blue card, squinting)

**William Shatner:** (gestures toward himself) I'm the space guy. I'm Captain Kirk.

**Bulbasaur:** Outer space shows are for children and stupid people.

**William Shatner:** What are you, some -

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on, Shaq. 

**William Shatner:** How can we -

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Let me just, um, rub my eyes here, for a moment. (Puts his head in his hand. grimacing) Oh, man. (turns his head back and forth several times, and grits his teeth) Oh, do I itch.

**William Shatner:** I thought, that I was, I was coming here to publicize... some of my projects, I'm...

**Bulbasaur:** (shakes his head back and forth very rapidly) Ow, I shouldn't be itching like this. Oh, man.

**William Shatner:** I have the urge to leave.

**Bulbasaur:** Really.

**William Shatner:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Food court's downstairs if you want to scope out some eye candy, Bill.

**William Shatner:** (laughs) Funny, funny how those words came out of you, and, (pointing at his temple) and it shows you the mind meld is working.

**Bulbasaur:** Bang a left past the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal. Here, I'll open it for ya. I forgot how primitive you are. (presses a button)

(A four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal is on the set, next to the monitor. A door opens on the front, with the same sound effect as an original Star Trek door. The interior is a swirling light pattern, with ethereal music in the background. Suddenly, a leprechaun pops out.)

**Bulbasaur:** You should really get one of these on your show. Oh wait, you don't have a show. (Scoots his chair closer to the monitor) You don't have a show. (laughs) (Multiple images of Bulbasaur appear on Bill's monitor, all chanting "You don't have a show!")

(Squirtle is playing the keyboard, apparently responsible for the ethereal music. He stops playing.)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughing) Hey, remember that one Space Trek episode where your show got cancelled? Remember that one?

**William Shatner:** No. I remember nothing about Star -

(Alarm goes off, with red lights flashing. The camera changes in sequence: Charmander in the control room, watching a Cardcaptors cartoon on her monitor; Squirtle in his keyboard pod; Bill on the monitor; The leprechaun; Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Double red alert! That sound means it's time for my death struggle with Squirtle.

**Charmander:** Uh, Bulbasaur... (throws lever up and down, cancelling the alarm sound and lights) Squirtle had to cancel.

**Bulbasaur:** What!

**Charmander:** Says he's got a heating and air conditioning guy comin' over to his house to blow out his ducts.

**Bulbasaur:** Huh.

**Squirtle:** (sitting in his keyboard pod, looking at Bulbasaur)

**Charmander:** Uh, sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** You mind covering for him?

**Charmander:** What do you mean?

**Bulbasaur:** Go by his house and let the guy in. That way, the death struggle happens and the ducts get blown.

**Charmander:** Yeah, well, I don't have a key.

**Bulbasaur:** Why don't you get a key then?

**Charmander:** I don't have a key.

**Bulbasaur:** Why don't you get a key then?

**Charmander:** (beat) I don't have a key.

**Bulbasaur:** (runs from his desk; he walks in behind Charmander, surprising her) Why don't you get a key then?

**Charmander:** Wha! (Beat) I don't have a -

**Bulbasaur:** Why don't you get a - (Bill is now on Charmander's monitor)

**Charmander:** - key.

**Bulbasaur:** - key then?

**Squirtle:** (enters the control room) I have a key.

**Bulbasaur:** Why don't you get - 

**Squirtle:** I have a key.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, give Charmander your key, and then you and I can go fight that duct guy.

**Squirtle:** I don't wanna give Charmander my key.

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs)

**Squirtle:** They're hard to make!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, I'll go fight the guy. Happy!? (flies off)

**William Shatner:** Why am I on this show?

(Back on the set; Bill is on the monitor, and the doors to the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal are now closed. Charmander and Squirtle walk over to Bulbasaur's desk; Charmander sits down, and the leprechaun pops into the scene.)

**Charmander:** (clears her throat) Thank you all for being here. My guest -

**Squirtle:** (interrupts Charmander) So, uh, Bill... (looking at his notes) You like blue boobs better? Or green ones?

**Charmander:** (to Squirtle, under his breath) Shut up, idiot!

**William Shatner:** I don't know, uh, this is very strange. You guys are frightening me a little bit, I gotta tell you.

**Charmander:** My guest tonight, the great William Shatner! William Shatner, everybody.

**William Shatner:** Yes, kudos to me, and congratulations.

**Charmander:** Mr. Shatner, I gotta tell you (raises her hand, making the "hook 'em horns" gesture): Trek rules, Wars drools!

**William Shatner:** There was a, there's a great deal of similarity between Star Wars and Star Trek, I've gotta admit.

**Charmander:** Like what?

**William Shatner:** Space.

**Charmander:** (looks left and right) Which leads me to the question on everyone's mind -

**Squirtle:** (interrupts again) Why is everyone on Star Trek black?

**William Shatner:** (looks like he is about to answer)

**Charmander:** Shut up, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** (looking at his notes) What've you got against white people?

**Charmander:** Squirtle, shut up.

**Squirtle:** Huh?

**William Shatner:** I guess we're not on the same wavelength.

**Charmander:** My, my question is: (quietly) can I have your autograph?

**William Shatner:** I don't sign... my name... anymore.

**Charmander:** Okay.

**William Shatner:** Yeah. I have a business manager to do that.

**Charmander:** (nervous laugh)

**William Shatner:** Would you like my business manager's signature?

**Charmander:** What, are you kiddin' me? Great!

**William Shatner:** (chuckles)

(In Squirtle's house. There are two workers there, one in a blue jumpsuit, one in a red one. The red suited character hits the wall with his hammer six times, but stops and turns toward the door when he hears a noise outside. He hits the wall five more times, then stops again when he hears noise again. He hits the wall seven more times, when Bulbasaur suddenly breaks the door down.)

**Bulbasaur:** Aha! (in his best superhero voice) Look here, air conditioning and heating guy! It's time for Bulbasaur to blow YOUR ducts. (The red guy starts hammering on the wall again.) En guard! (He attacks the blue guy, who brandishes a hammer. It is revealed that large boulders are scattered around Squirtle's living room. Dramatic music plays, as they hop around the room onto furniture, chasing each other. Bulbasaur knocks over a lamp, breaking it. The blue guy hops onto a rock and jumps down.)

(Camera switches back to the studio. Charmander is sitting at Bulbasaur's desk, reading aloud from a book to Bill)

**Charmander:** And as the Enterprise began its gentle orbing around the planet Vulcan, uh, It was then Kirk, uh, done to... (flips pages) knew the Federation would survive! (flips pages again) Uh, let's see... The End. So... whattya think?

**William Shatner:** Well... (sighs) 

**Charmander:** Not bad for fan fiction, huh?

**William Shatner:** I'm afraid to tell you - 

**Squirtle:** That's not the story you wrote!

**Charmander:** Yes it is!

**Squirtle:** Your story had naked men in it.

**Charmander:** Hmph! The laser clothes were his powers!

**Squirtle:** Bouncin' around.

**Charmander:** I had to undress him to... disarm him.

**Squirtle:** So why didn't he just use lasers?

**Charmander:** Hmph! It was a time before lasers!

**Squirtle:** (laughs) (talking in a hick voice) "It was a time before lasers!"

**Charmander:** You just need to shut up! (Walks off stage)

**Squirtle:** (to Bill) So, uh, blue boobs or green boobs?

**William Shatner:** You guys are just making me feel very uncomfortable.

(Back at Squirtle's house. Bulbasaur is hiding behind a large upright boulder)

**Bulbasaur:** Aha! (Dramatic music starts again. Bulbasaur leaps toward blue guy, and throws a small boulder at him, knocking over the ottoman. They both jump around some more, knocking over lamps and other things. Bulbasaur pauses for a few quick breaths, then jumps back and picks up a large boulder) You're mine, duct guy! (He chases the blue guy across the room, toward the red guy, who is still hitting the wall with his hammer.)

(Back to the studio. Bill stairs as eerie music plays. The camera pans to Squirtle's keyboard pod, where we see Squirtle playing a theremin.)

**William Shatner:** Squirtle, didn't you and I fight to the death?

**Squirtle:** (stops playing and looks at Bill) That sounds pretty dumb, man. (Resumes playing the theremin)

**William Shatner:** I did, I killed him.

(In the control room. The 'Cardcaptors" episode is on Charmander's monitor. Charmander throws the switch back and forth, Bill appears on the screen)

**William Shatner:** I fought Squirtle to the death, I thought.

**Charmander:** So, uh, you know what I was wondering... Nichelle Nichols ever hit on you?

**William Shatner:** (laughing, he touches his mouth and then opens and closes his hand like he is squeezing something.)

**Charmander:** Boungy boungy. (laughs)

**William Shatner:** (laughs) I put it on stun quite a bit.

**Charmander:** All right.

(Back at Squirtle's house. Dramatic music plays, and Bulbasaur is still chasing the blue guy with the boulder, as the red guy looks on. Finally, Bulbasaur grunts and throws the boulder at the blue guy, flattening him. The music stops.)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh no! OH NO!! I killed my best friend ever! (Sad music swells) Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why, Herve, why? Herve, Herve, HERVE!!!!! (The music stops)

**Herve:** Hey, his name was Fernando, man.

**Bulbasaur:** Where's Herve?

**Herve:** I'm Herve! (Bulbasaur starts to fight Herve; they both lunge for the rock which is on Fernando)

(In the control room.)

**William Shatner:** I love a good donkey.

**Charmander:** Yeah.

**William Shatner:** You can take a donkey by the ear (makes grabbing gesture with his fists) and hold on tight,

**Charmander:** Uh, okay...

**William Shatner:** ... and ride across the range, and look really rather romantic.

**Charmander:** (chuckles)

**William Shatner:** While you hold onto the ear, and you're riding bareback.

**Charmander:** (excited) You ever been to a donkey show, Bill?!

**Bulbasaur:** (off camera) Charmander! (Charmander throws her switch; her monitor now shows Bulbasaur sitting at his desk, with some scars and a hook stuck in the top of his head) I'm... backner?

**Squirtle:** Hey, you finish blowing' my ducts?

**Bulbasaur:** Sure, they're finished. I have scars.

**Charmander:** Big deal, Bulbasaur. Mr. Shatner here was wounded three times in the Tek Wars.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, right.

**Charmander:** It's true!

**William Shatner:** That's correct. I'm -

**Bulbasaur:** Let's see some scars.

**William Shatner:** I beg your pardon?

**Bulbasaur:** Prove it, tough guy, let's see some scars.

**William Shatner:** I, I did...

**Bulbasaur:** Prove it!

**William Shatner:** I did, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** Prove it!

**William Shatner:** I don't think...

**Bulbasaur:** PROVE IT!!

**William Shatner:** (beat) I'll have to take my pants off.

**Charmander:** Bill!! It's a trap!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, knock it off.

**Charmander:** But his pants are lasers, and he'll be defenseless!

**Bulbasaur:** (beat) You and I need to have a talk. (Blood runs into Bulbasaur's left eye; a droning sound swells in the background)

**Charmander:** Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** In private. (Bulbasaur walks to the control room) (In a gruff voice) What do you want?

**Charmander:** Pfft! You called me.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander...

**Charmander:** Hey, uh, you got a giant metal hook stickin' outta your head.

**Bulbasaur:** Enough of your lies! Charmander, I'm worried about this supercomputer situation.

**Charmander:** You know you're, you're bleeding' there.

**Bulbasaur:** It's computing things that I don't like, quite frankly.

**Charmander:** That's a TV monitor!

**Bulbasaur:** (beat) What's that you're wearing?

**Charmander:** I, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** It's so sexy and skin-tight, Charmander.

**Charmander:** B-Bulbasaur, I, I don't even want...

**Bulbasaur:** This supercomputer needs to be destroyed. (Bulbasaur pulls out a large rock, and starts bashing Charmander's console)

**Charmander:** No-no-no-no-no, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing!?

**Bulbasaur:** Confound it, I'm left with but one choice.

**Charmander:** Great Scott, Bulbasaur, not another rock!

**Bulbasaur:** Even better! (Pulls out a rock) This is the first rock! (bashes the console some more; Bill grimaces on the monitor)

**Charmander:** No! Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!

**Bulbasaur:** I am confusing the supercomputer with logic! When it thinks I'm going to hit it with a rock,

**William Shatner:** It's in my hands...

(Bulbasaur bashes the console some more; finally the screen cracks. Then, two slices of toast pop up. Bulbasaur walks back to his desk. the monitor is blank, showing occasional static)

**Bulbasaur:** That - (The leprechaun pops out from behind Bulbasaur's desk, then flies off camera) That supercomputer was no match... for my... patented... hmm, something.

**William Shatner:** (off camera) Bulbasaur... (static) Bulbasaur... (static) Bulbasaur...

(Pan to Squirtle, who has large green Vulcan-like ears.)

**Squirtle:** (speaking with Bill's voice) I've noticed you really don't have the intelligence to be a really big star. (Bulbasaur looks at Squirtle, at the camera, and back at Squirtle) Bulbasaur...

**Bulbasaur:** Something feels... (blood runs from his eye, he wipes it off) different.

**Squirtle:** (with Bill's voice) I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show, more than Jay Leno.

**Bulbasaur:** (starts yanking on the hook which is stuck in his head. He pulls himself over onto the floor.) Ow. Squirtle, give me a hand here, would ya?

(Squirtle walks over to Bulbasaur's desk; his Vulcan ears are gone now. Bulbasaur is back sitting in his desk. Squirtle grunts and pulls on the hook; he finally yanks it out.

**Bulbasaur:** Ow! (A geyser of blood squirts out of Bulbasaur's head from where the hook was.)

**Squirtle:** Wow!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, put it back in!

**Squirtle:** Jackpot!

**Bulbasaur:** Put it back in! (Squirtle jams the hook back in, the blood geyser stops) What is that thing on my head?

**Squirtle:** It's a crown? You're the king.

(Bill Shatner is back in the monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** That's right. I'm the king. (Bulbasaur stands up, hobbles toward Squirtle, then falls over in front of the desk.) Hey, rocket man, one more thing.

**William Shatner:** Yes.

**Bulbasaur:** I'd like to name my own price for your big sweet ass. (laughs)

(Credits roll.)

**William Shatner:** (metallic echo) It's in my hands...


	13. Sweet for Molly

(Tenacious D appear in the monitor. They both smile and nod at Squirtle.)

**Jack Black:** 'Sup, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** My dinner. (Squirtle vomits a chunky green substance past the monitor where Jack Black looks amazed and also onto his keyboard pod.) Write a song about that!

**Kyle Gass:** (somewhat agitated) Alright, let's do it, fine.

**Squirtle:** That's right you'll do it. 'Cause I said it. Squirtle.

(Tenacious D start playing the intro to "Explosivo")

**Squirtle:** (over Tenacious D's song) Wait. What is this? Heh, this ain't cuttin' it.

**Jack Black:** What's the name of the song?

**Tenacious D:** EXPLOSIVO!

**Jack Black:** Don't know what it's about, but it's good to go  
What's the name of my- 

**Squirtle:** (over Jack's singing) No, No, No, No, No, STOP! (Tenacious D stop playing) Explosivo? What's that mean? You're fat?!

**Jack Black:** It becomes an evil word, if you say it low. (in a low voice) Explosivo.

**Squirtle:** Naw, man, that ain't gonna make any money. 

**Kyle Gass:** (sounding disappointed) I know.

**Squirtle:** Check this out. (Squirtle jumps out from inside his pod with what looks like a Purple Colored Gibson Brand Flying V Style guitar) 1 - 2 - 3 – 4 (Squirtle starts playing. Flames erupt from nowhere around the guitar and some lights come from the ceiling) 

**Squirtle:** (while playing) Explosivo! (Squirtle keeps playing. Flames continue to erupt, and grow into small explosions, Charmander comes onto the bandstand from presumably the set) Explosivo! (Jack Black moves his fingers like he's hammering on and pulling off his fingers on the frets of a guitar, and guitar sound effects seem to agree) Explosivo! (A giant goat's head starts to lower from the ceiling. The top of the goat's head is on fire as is its chin, and flames also erupt from its nostrils) Yes! (Squirtle stops playing) YES!

**Jack Black:** We should get a big evil puppet behind us, in, uh, concert man?

**Kyle Gass:** (laughs)

**Jack Black:** Big evil puppet comes down?

**Charmander:** Shyeah, man, and he's totally allergic to pollen.

**Jack Black:** (sarcastically) Yeah.

**Kyle Gass:** (pretending to agree) Yeah, maybe.

**Charmander:** (obviously making it up as she goes along) And he's got these big... like... oven mitts, or somethin', man.

**Jack Black:** (looks at Charmander in disappointment and shakes head) That's not evil.

**Charmander:** (still making it up as she goes along) Yeah it is! 'Cause he's bakin' in, in the kitchen of darkness. A pie of, of lost souls, until it's, it's golden brown.

(Tenacious D look at each other)

**Squirtle:** Pff. Golden brown?

**Charmander:** Yeah. But, but, but you can't eat it, even though you want to, you gotta let it cool off on the window.  (Tenacious D look at each other again) The, the windowsill to... TO HELL!

**Kyle Gass:** Are you goin' off the script?

**Squirtle:** Look, you guys need to spew more blood. For Satan. He likes that. (Tenacious D look at each other) But you don't want to puke out your own blood, you understand, 'cause your gonna need those nutrients to perform the encore.

**Kyle Gass:** Of course. (gives a confused look)

**Squirtle:** So you're gonna need the blood of another. Somebody else. Now check this out. Hand me the goat.

**Charmander:** (holding a goat) This goat?

**Squirtle:** Thanks, I appreciate it.

(Bulbasaur drops into his desk. The upper right corner is on fire.)

**Bulbasaur:** Sorry I'm late, have I missed anything?

**Squirtle:** (holding the goat, which baas constantly) Uh, no.

**Jack Black:** Nah!

**Kyle Gass:** Heh!

**Bulbasaur:** Well what are you doing with that goat?

**Squirtle:** Heh, I don't know? Milkin' it?

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander?

(Charmander looks at Squirtle and then looks back at Bulbasaur)

**Charmander:** Looks like he's milkin' it.

**Jack Black:** That was, uh, a lie.

**Bulbasaur:** How many times have I told you not to hang that giant beast head from the light grid? Take it home. Put it in your own house. It smells horrible.

**Squirtle:** Okay. I promise.

(beat)

**Bulbasaur:** No you don't!

**Squirtle:** Look, Satan is supposed to come pick it up.

**Charmander:** Shyeah, man, we're doin' it for Satan.

**Bulbasaur:** Satan? Did I meet him? At, at the open house?

**Charmander:** Yeah, he was the guy, that was tryin' to get you to- kill that girl.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, you know, with the necktie. And, uh, crown made of femurs.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, I don't remember him.

**Squirtle:** Maybe you didn't see him. Your eyes were all rolled back in your head.

**Charmander:** Yeah, man, and you kept sayin' "Satan, daddy, satan!"

**Bulbasaur:** Femurs?

**Charmander:** Uh, Bulbasaur, come in here, let me show you. (Bulbasaur goes into the control room.) All right, look at this.

(Charmander pulls the lever and the monitor switches from Tenacious D to a red-painted handpuppet, with fake eyes [ala Cookie Monster], horns, and teeth. "Evil" music starts playing, and there are flames in the monitor as well. Handpuppet starts chomping teeth with chomping sound effects.)

**Charmander:** Whoa! Oh, okay, see, there he is, that's Damien. (The fake teeth fall out of the hand puppet's mouth. The handpuppet looks down at the teeth and then back up at the monitor.) Uh, as a baby.

(Back on the set)

**Squirtle:** (still holding the goat, which is still baahing) I'll show ya! I'll show all o' ya!

**Jack Black:** Show us.

(Squirtle starts to swallow the goat whole, very much like a snake, only much faster)

**Kyle Gass:** Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Okay!

(Bulbasaur drops into his desk, which is no longer on fire)

**Bulbasaur:** Look Squirtle, I just watched all four "Omen" movies, including the crappy third one where he was president. (pounds foot)

(beat)

(Squirtle spits out the goat. His eyes roll back into his head. He starts talking backwards with the same "evil" music playing as was in the control room with the handpuppet. Squirtle starts saying something that sounds thoroughly demonic, although when played backward, reveals something to the effect of "Watch for the new South Park Series by storyteller51, coming next month." During this period Bulbasaur looks shocked and Tenacious D look at each other and smile)

**Bulbasaur:** What's that mean?

**Kyle Gass:** Uh, it means "Up your ass!"

(Jack looks at Kyle)

**Jack Black:** (disapprovingly) Dude! (Bulbasaur laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** That old wive's tale? Kyle, asses don't exist. Everyone knows that.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, where'd ya learn that? Batman Fantasy Camp?

**Bulbasaur:** I never went there!

**Charmander:** Hey Squirtle, get out the diary! (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (reading from the diary) "Dear Bat-diary-

**Bulbasaur:** (embarassed) Squirtle...

**Squirtle:** -another Bat-tacular day at Camp Batman."

**Bulbasaur:** (embarassed and agitated) Put it away.

**Squirtle:** "Today we looked after Alfred's older sister and made sure she didn't swallow her own tongue." (Tenacious D both laugh hysterically) "Haven't gotten to meet Batman yet. So far everyone seems old and in need of care."  (Squirtle and Charmander crack up)

**Bulbasaur:** You stole that out of my Bat-locker! (pounds foot on desk)

**Kyle Gass:** Is that why you look like Batman?

**Bulbasaur:** I never went there, Kyle.

**Kyle Gass:** 'Cause you look like Batman, dude.

**Bulbasaur:** (annoyed) I have big ears, Batman doesn't.

**Squirtle:** No you don't!

**Charmander:** Batman has big ears!

(beat)

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah. Batman does, but Bulbasaur doesn't, and there's the key difference.

**Squirtle:** Because you're deformed.

**Bulbasaur:** Because I was bitten by a radioactive spider, Squirtle! The kind that didn't care for ears.

**Jack Black:** You see, he looks for the sensitive spot, and then he- (motions with his hand like somebody poking at something with a fork)

**Kyle Gass:** Why would that be a sensitive spot?

**Jack Black:** Uh, it just seemed like a sensitive spot, there was a shifting and a...

**Kyle Gass:** Alright!

**Bulbasaur:** But that is how I got my superpowers (Tenacious D look at each other and then at Bulbasaur) It is.

**Jack Black:** Where's Paul?

**Kyle Gass:** Where's Polly?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you talkin' about Molly? Don't. She's dead to me.

**Tenacious D:** (collectively) Oooh!

**Bulbasaur:** And so's her movie, which apparently is extremely popular.

**Kyle Gass:** Phew, ouch.

**Jack Black:** Touchy subject.

**Bulbasaur:** People are stupid. (Kyle clears his throat)

**Jack Black:** Was that a spinoff?

**Bulbasaur:** More like runoff. From a waste pump.

**Squirtle:** It's actually quite successful.

**Jack Black:** Sweet for Molly.

**Kyle Gass:** Mmm hmm.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I'm hopin' she'll cast me in the sequel. Then I can pitch my own show. My show's not a comedy, it's a horredy. It's called Blood Dumpster.

**Bulbasaur:** Your pilot gave me nightmares! This is 22 minutes of a guy running down a tunnel.

**Jack Black:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur**: This is a show?!

**Squirtle:** Yes.

**Bulbasaur:** And what's with your character, the guy with the blades? What's that?

**Squirtle:** The dumpster-keeper.

**Bulbasaur:** Who's gonna identify with the "dumpster-keeper"? I mean, maybe if he were in a motorized wheelchair you'd have some sense of sympathy for him.

**Squirtle:** Well, it tested well. (beat) I mean really well.

**Bulbasaur:** Molly is nothing without me. If it weren't for me she'd still be doing her movie which she's doing now without me.

**Kyle Gass:** Can we meet her, is she here?

**Bulbasaur:** Why do you want to meet her? She's probably drunk.

**Jack Black:** (looks surprise) Really?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh sure, everyone thinks she's cute on the outside. But on the inside, heh, her organs are buoys, bouncing around on a sea of gin.

**Jack Black:** Is that true?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh yeah.

(We now go to Bulbasaur as seen on Molly's TV)

**Bulbasaur:** Whadda ya think of that, children?

**Molly:** What?

(We now go back to the set. Tenacious D are playing with some props)

**Bulbasaur:** You know, my feelings are so much deeper and more complex than Molly. I mean, I love more than Papa and Mama, let's just say that. I love... bicycles. And there's, there's way more that goes into that.

**Kyle Gass:** Well, is, is your bicycle special? I don't understand. (Bulbasaur pounds foot on desk)

**Bulbasaur:** Well yeah, it's special. My dad shot it at me every chance he got. (Tenacious D collectively groan) That's why I started sleepin' in the trees. He couldn't shoot it that high.

**Jack Black:** Where you goin', Rich?

**Kyle Gass:** I just, I just had to get some coffee.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey! Sing a song about my bicycle! But... none of that stuff about my dad, and sleeping in trees, and having to eat walnuts and bark for nourishment... and of course being called Tree Wizard in Pokemon school.

**Jack Black:** Do you have some chords?

**Kyle Gass:** (annoyed) Yes, I've got some chords. (starts playing his guitar)

**Jack Black:** (singing) Bulbasaur and his bicycle. Much better than just a tricycle. Why doesn't he have rocketcycle? Heyyyyyyy! Argggh!!!!

**Kyle Gass:** (stops playing)

**Bulbasaur:** Rocketcycle? Well I'll tell you why I don't have a rocketcycle. They don't exist. Now keep going.

**Jack Black:** That's it. 

**Kyle Gass:** That's it.

**Bulbasaur:** No, that's NOT it. Sing something about how my thighs, and, uh, how they've developed from riding the bicycle. 

**Kyle Gass:** (clears his throat) Alright, verse two. (starts playing again)

**Jack Black:** (singing) He rides it all around. Inside his ship. He doesn't go outside his freakin' ship, oh!

**Bulbasaur:** (singing) With the Mankey Kid.

**Jack Black:** (no longer singing) Stop.

**Kyle Gass:** (stops playing)

**Bulbasaur:** (singing) Doin' lots of flips. Then I start to strip. (Jack and Kyle look at each other and then at Bulbasaur) Hold on. Wait a minute! 

**Jack Black:** Whoops.

**Bulbasaur:** Your song made me sing horrible things! Do another song and do it right. 

**Kyle Gass:** Which one would you like to hear?

**Bulbasaur:** Anything by Jim Croce.

**Jack Black:** Well, it's kind of a short one.

**Bulbasaur:** You give me the long one!

**Jack Black:** Naw, do the long one.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, get the candles. Set the mood.

**Jack Black:** This isn't gonna be allowed on.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh yes it is!

**Charmander:** No, it's not, man. Some lawyer just called from the label. We can't clear the song.

**Bulbasaur:** What?! No lawyer's gonna tell Bulbasaur what to do. Kyle, Jack? You do your most famous song and make SURE it's from your latest album.

(Kyle starts playing)

**Jack Black:** (singing) You don't always have to...

(Tenacious D's song, "F*** Her Gently", is replaced by someone playing guitar and singing "Good King Wenceslas" badly. Video cuts to slow motion action scenes from the original "Pokemon" cartoon. It cuts back to the set, with Tenacious D still playing.)

**Bulbasaur:** (singing over the song) Time in a bottle!

(The song resumes, and video continues to go back and forth from the set to slow motion action scenes from the original Pokemon cartoon)

**All:** (singing collectively) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrd!

(Kyle plays one final chord and Jack exhales)

**Squirtle:** That was very pretty.

**Kyle Gass:** Thank you, Squirtle.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes it was pretty. I've never heard it live. That totally rocked. 

**Charmander:** Hey, uh, Bulbasaur? Some guy up here wants to see ya. (Bulbasaur walks into control room) Bulbasaur, say "hey" to Satan.

(We now see Satan from "South Park" in the corner with a crown of bones [femurs] on his head. Aforementioned "evil" music starts playing.)

**Charmander:** Satan, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Hello.

**Satan:** Come closer to me.

**Charmander:** Go on, man.

**Satan:** Closer.

(Bulbasaur inches closer to Satan nervously as Satan breathes heavily)

**Charmander:** Go on, go on.

**Bulbasaur:** You here to kill me?

**Satan:** (looking angry) Now you listen to me. I'm here to get you on a sitcom. You want to get on a sitcom, right?

**Bulbasaur:** Can you get me on the new Pokemon?

**Satan:** (now smiling) They have already cast that one. But I've got some connections with this other show. It'll cost you. Dearly.

**Bulbasaur:** How much?

**Satan:** You'll see. (evil laughter)

(We now go to a live action shot of a dumpster, with "I Dream of Genie" type music playing. The title "Blood Dumpster" appears. Squirtle's head pops out of the dumpster to canned laughter. To another dumpster, where Squirtle's head also pops up, with the word "Starring" replacing "Blood Dumpster. Now on to another dumpster, where Squirtle's head pops out of yet again, and the word "Starring" is replaced with "Squirtle". Now we cut to Bulbasaur at the entrance of a large drainage pipe with a dumpster at the end.)

**Bulbasaur:** Wait, what's my motivation?

(Squirtle pops out of the dumpster in a motorized wheelchair with a scythe in hand and with several blades spinning rapidly on his shell, knees, elbows, and hands.)

**Squirtle:** Gabba gabba go, neighbor!

**Bulbasaur:** (running away) Oh no!

(Credits roll)

Another chapter complete! By the way, did you notice the thing about my South Park series? It'll be out next month, but I'm not giving you anything about it yet. In the meantime, Read and Review about this! Please…


	14. Spanish Translation

**: START FEED**

(Opening theme and titles)

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in to set) Hello! I am Bulbasaur. Welcome to my show. (waves) Joining us on this program will be motivational speaker and talk show host, Susan Powter, and return guest Kyle Broflouski. Please say hello to the band, Squirtle and the Original Way Outs! (The Way Outs play Bulbasaur to his desk)

(The Pokemon Planet is small in the distance and grows larger as it approaches the windows behind Bulbasaur.)

**Bulbasaur:** Aaah! Sorry. Before we begin, I'd just like to point out to our viewers that although it may seem like the Pokemon Planet behind me is really close, it's actually millions and millions of miles away. So, don't worry, we're not going to run into it or anything.

CRASH!

(The set shakes as the Pokemon Planet hits the studio. A siren begins to wail, the shaking continues)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander! Damage report?

**Charmander:** (as Star Trek's Scotty) She's breaking up! She's gonna blow, Bulbasaur!

**Squirtle:** (as the "Lost in Space" robot) Danger! Danger!

**Bulbasaur:** Got... to do... something...

**Squirtle:** (as Ren) Bulbasaur, you idiot!

**Bulbasaur:** (as Homer Simpson) D'oh!

(Picture dissolves into a series of static and test patterns, including a hand-written sign that says "Carom", finally ending up on a clip from the Squirtle & Charmander nursery rhymes, from later in the fic. The camera pulls back to reveal Dynablade and Escargoon from "Kirby: Right Back at Ya" watching on a monitor.)

**Dynablade:** Aagh! Change it! Aagh! Aagh! This sucks!

**Escargoon:** (changes channel) Uh huh, uh huh huh, this is cool. Uh huh, uh huh huh.

**Dynablade:** Yeah, heh heh heh, they're gonna die, heh heh, heh heh. Fire! Fire! (pause) Aagh! (changes channel again)

(Back in the studio)

**Bulbasaur:** My first guest is on a mission to stop the insanity, please welcome Susan Powter.

(Monitor lowers; Susan appears, eating a bowl of pasta salad)

**Susan Powter:** (to person off-camera) Yup... a little salt would be good. (stands up and walks off camera)

**Bulbasaur:** Hello Susan. Susan? Charmander, what's she doing?

(Cut to control room. Monitor shows Susan getting out of her seat :)

**Charmander:** (in control room) She's eating pasta salad.

**Squirtle:** Perhaps she saw your face and decided to split, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, just remember who has Pikachu on their speed dial!

**Squirtle:** Oh yeah?

**Charmander:** Enough! Susan's back!

(Susan is back on the monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** Susan, welcome to the show. I take much pleasure in knowing you.

**Spanish Translator:** (with subtitles) Mucho gusto en conocerte.

**Bulbasaur:** Tell us, who are you really? What's your secret identity?

**Susan Powter:** My secret identity? Um, well, I may as well, I may as well tell you here, sitting here with you, Bulbasaur. I'm really a transsexual, actually. I'm not a woman at all.

**Bulbasaur:** (blinks) Really?

**Susan Powter:** The real identity is me. It's, uh, about as much me as you can get, when I'm up on the stage.

**Bulbasaur:** So, do you have any super powers that you use to stop the insanity?

**Susan Powter:** Yeah, female intuition, the most powerful thing in the universe.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, right. You talk about women taking over the world. Is this something that I'll be forced to stop in the near future?

**Susan Powter:** (Laughs) Yeah, we're going to take over the world, so you're gonna have to battle us.

**Bulbasaur:** (slouch position, nodding) Susan, you have some food in your teeth...

**Susan Powter:** (cleans her teeth with her finger)

**Bulbasaur:** That's better. You were born in Australia, have you ever been snatched away by a pack of wild dingoes? (wild dingo howling sound)

**Susan Powter:** No, I, I, I escaped the bush narrowly. Narrowly escaped the bush.

**Bulbasaur:** I think we have some footage of you escaping the bush. Roll that clip, Charmander!

(Film clip rolls, from "Sakura Wars: The Movie"; silhouettes of Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur in movie theatre seats at bottom of screen, a la MST3000. Squirtle coughs throughout the clip)

**Narrator:** People are afraid to leave their homes. They cringe behind locked doors, trembling with fear! Wondering who the deadly 'bush' will strike next! Meantime, the hideous creatures are multiplying fast!

**Squirtle:** This actually isn't too bad. (clip ends)

**Bulbasaur:** My, that's frightening. What do your arch enemies look like, Susan? What scares you?

**Susan Powter:** Any freeze-dried yogurty, malty lookin' thing. Anything white and creamy freeze-dried, stay away from it.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes! I certainly will. You must be in awe of my super colossal strength!

**Susan Powter:** I'm in awe of any man that wears wristbands like yours.

**Bulbasaur:** Can you see every painful detail of my muscular physique?

**Susan Powter:** (laughs) You are a specimen! (laughs) In more ways than one.

**Escargoon:** She said 'specimen', huh, huh...

**Dynablade:** Yeah, heh, heh... heh, heh. I'll get it.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you. Say, I was thinking of coming out with my own diet plan, do you have any advice for me to follow?

**Susan Powter:** Run fast, and uh, whatever it is ya eat, make sure it's high volume, low fat. (laughs) What do you eat, anyway?

**Bulbasaur:** Chemicals, tacos, fajitas, chimichangas, quesadillas, burritos, refried beans, flan, sopapillas, cheese dip, the speedy with beans, hot tamales...

**Susan Powter:** Well, that's what we eat too. Hey, it's the same thing. We're all eating chemicals.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, they help me do my job.

**Susan Powter:** And what do you do?

**Bulbasaur:** I run and save Pokemon from peril.

**Susan Powter:** Why doncha come on down and help us here, 'cause we're _dying_! (camera zooms in at end of sentence)

**Bulbasaur:** Will do, Citizen. Thanks for being on the show, Susan, and good luck stopping the insanity.

**Susan Powter:** Well, good luck saving the planets, and please help us here, 'cause we really do need your help.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay! Don't go away, we'll be right back.

: INTERRUPT FEED

Greetings, folks. The storyteller is back with a whole new segment. It's…

**Ask the Big Banana**

**Bulbasaur: **(as the Big Banana) Welcome, folks. Our guest today is Patrick Star from "Spongebob Squarepants." (Enter Patrick) So, Patrick. What's your question?

**Patrick Star:** (As he talks, he starts foaming at the mouth) Well Bulbasaur, I want to say something. I think your show is killing real entertainment. Back in the old days, I used to drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, not letting anyone else say anything until I start foaming at the mouth and falling backwards. (Does so) Ohhhhh…..

**Bulbasaur: **Well…… Alrighty! Now, back to the show!

: START FEED

(Charmander watches Squirtle on monitor; various satellite coordinates are displayed on the screen)

**Bulbasaur:** Alrighty! My next guest is from South Park, he is a comedian, please welcome back Kyle Broflouski.

(Kyle appears on the monitor; Squirtle and the Way Outs play, Kyle stares in disbelief)

**Kyle:** (to Squirtle) Dude, what is wrong with you?

**Squirtle:** Does my music frighten you?

**Kyle:** No!

**Squirtle:** (laughs, a la Beavis and Butthead)

**Bulbasaur:** I'm terribly sorry. Welcome Kyle, I trust the particle transformation was comfy, do you have enough oxygen?

**Kyle:** Absolutely, Bulbasaur, I'm just fine, thank you for asking.

**Bulbasaur:** You're welcome. Tell us, are you keeping busy?

**Kyle:** I certainly am, uh, I travel all throughout the world, uh, you know, doing my comedy. (laughs)

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Say Kyle, what would your mother think of you being on my show?

**Kyle:** (imitating his mom) Oh my God, we turned on the TV this afternoon and guess who we saw? Bulbasaur! Interviewing my bubby! It was crazy! I don't get it. Are you involved with the FBI or something? Mmm-mm-mm!

**Bulbasaur:** Kevin, I have many powers and a colossal bulk that frightens villains, what do you have that will impress us?

**Kyle:** Well, Bulbasaur, I have an incredible head of hair. (Takes his hat off, exposing his hair)

**Spanish Translator:** (with subtitles) Tengo un peinado increible.

**Squirtle:** (not impressed) Astonishing. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** (Grits his teeth, aims a ray at Squirtle)

**Kyle:** Holy crap! Bulbasaur! Don't do that!

(Bulbasaur blasts Squirtle with his Solarbeam)

**Squirtle:** Ouch!

**Bulbasaur:** Already done!

**Kyle:** I... think you've crossed the line here.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, whatever.

**Kyle:** Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Kyle, I wear nothing but a cape.

**Spanish Translator:** (with subtitles) Me visto con ma yas y capa.

**Bulbasaur:** I wear nothing but a cape. So what do you think of tight pants?

**Kyle:** Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Tight-Pants-wearing Bulbasaur! (Imitates his mother) I don't like them one bit! Walking around the universe with tight pants on, it's not right! You're like a crazy person! What's wrong with you? What if President Kennedy finds out about this? He'll think the school has been infiltrated by Communist spies. And the Monsignor will be black-listed, and the Pope...

**Bulbasaur:** It's been a thrill having you on. Come back and see us again. (: INTERRUPT FEED)

**Kyle:** What do you mean, (: INTERRUPT FEED) you can't hear, I (: INTERRUPT FEED) Bulbasaur.

: INTERRUPT FEED

(Battle scenes from old "Pokemon" cartoons)

**Male Announcer:** You've seen 'em outwit Bulbasaur in horrendous Pokemon battles, now, hear 'em sing your favorite nursery rhymes and lullabies! It's Squirtle and Charmander! (picture of record album flies up on screen) Just listen...

(Inset of Squirtle singing, with song titles scrolling)

**Squirtle:** (sings, sort of)   
Rock a bye Bulbasaur  
Say your prayers,   
My Squirtle Squad is arriving  
and I will conquer you!  
And the universe will be  
MINE! MINE! MINE! (evil laugh)

(Song titles)

BA BA BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY  
ROCK A BYE BULBASAUR  
ROCKET-BYE BABY  
CHARMANDER HAD A LITTLE LASER  
GOODNITE, SLEEP TIGHT, TURTLE BITE  
ANTENNA LOVE

**Male Announcer:** Like angels! Never before has such scum recorded such a masterpiece, one the whole family can enjoy! Here's another favorite...

(Inset of Squirtle and Charmander singing, with song titles scrolling)

**Squirtle:** Twinkle, twinkle, little...

**Charmander:** Star!

**Squirtle:** We know exactly where you...

**Charmander:** Are!

**Squirtle:** You can't run and you can't...

**Charmander:** Hide!

**Squirtle:** Because we'll find you, Bulbasaur, and the universe will be...

**Squirtle & Charmander:** OURS! OURS! OURS! (evil laugh)

(Song titles)

LITTLE BOY BLUE COME CONQUER THE WORLD  
TWINKLE TWINKLE  
WE'RE COMING 2 GET U  
ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI  
B-I-N-G-(OW!)  
LA LA LA LA SQUIRTLE  
SHARING MEANS GIMME!  
GET TO BED NOW!  
EENIE MEENIE MINEY CHARMANDER  
DISGRUNTLED TURTLE  
IT'S NOT EASY BEING MEAN  
IF YOU SEE KAY TELL HER I CALLED

**Male Announcer:** Yes, just imagine... You'll be the envy of all your friends when you order this collector's item and play it really loud! Just send ninety-four dollars to the address on your screen.

(Screen graphic during voice-over)

JUST SEND $94.00  
(PLUS $39.95 S & H TO)   
SQUIRTLE & CHARMANDER  
Sing the Nursery Rhymes and Favorite Lullabies  
P.O. BOX 18748765122009  
SPACE, THE UNIVERSE  
668000112  
Satisfaction Guaranteed or nearly all of your money back. Please  
allow 3 to 4 millennia for delivery. Sharrock Records is a division of  
Cogswell Cogs, Inc. Offer not available after curfew in sectors R or N.

**Male Announcer:** (reading really fast) Squirtle & Charmander sing the Nursery Rhymes and Favorite Lullabies, P.O. box one eight seven four eight seven six five one two two zero zero nine, space, the universe, six six eight zero zero zero one one two. Order now! That's right, only ninety-four dollars!

**Female Announcer:** Available at Murray's.

**Bulbasaur:** (at desk, watching commercial) Hmmmmm. That's expensive.

**Charmander:** How could this be? There are three of them!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander! What is it?

**Charmander:** It's the blasted Bee Gees! (More satellite data is displayed on the monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** What? How can this be?

**Charmander:** They say you called them to be on the show!

**Bulbasaur:** Why, I never called... Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** Uh, I must go to the store to get butter and cheese.

**Spanish Translator:** (with subtitles) Tengo que ir a la tienda a comprar mantequilla y queso.

**Squirtle:** I must go to the store to get butter and cheese.

**Charmander:** Standby, Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Hello, Bee Ghees, are you in good spirits?

**Bee Gees:** It depends on what we've been eating, Bulbasaur, it depends on the food. Come on, Bulbasaur, come on! (they all talk & laugh continuously)

**Bulbasaur:** (to himself) This is the Bee Gees, boy, if only we could really, just, fry them.

**Bee Gees:** (continue to laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** (zaps the Bee Gees) Hey fellas, I know a great Polynesian restaurant up the street.

**Squirtle:** I could go for a pu pu platter.

(Credits roll)

Well, that's it for my fan fic, unless anyone else have anything to say. Does anyone else have anything to say?

**Bulbasaur: **No.

**Charmander: **No.

**Squirtle:** (burned to a crisp) No.

**Susan Powter: **(shakes her head no)

**Liane Cartman:** (singing) No.

**Escargoon: **(In a deep voice) No.

**Kyle: **No.

**Clefable: **No.

**Bebe: **No.

**Mr. Garrison: **Stanky bitch.

**Ike Broflouski: **I pooped my pants!

**Dynablade: **No.

**Scyther: **No.

**Butters: **Uhhhh…………………………. No.

**Fox: **No.

**Molly Hale: **No.

**Donald Duck: **No.

**Wigglytuff: **No.

**Satan: **No.

**Kirby: **Yes. Uh, I mean, No.

**Gyarados: **No.

**Patrick Star: **No, no, no, no, no…..

Finished! Please R&R!


	15. Knifin' Around

Before I begin this, I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't update any earlier. I just forgot. By next week I'll make up for lost time. And now…

(Credits roll at start of show, accompanied by Björk's singing)

(Control room; Mark Hoppus from **Blink-182** is on Charmander's monitor)

**Mark Hoppus:** They were old people's sunglasses.

**Charmander:** Really?

**Mark Hoppus:** Yeah, you can buy them; you can buy them in Dallas airport.

**Charmander:** Cool.

**Mark Hoppus:** Yeah, and you put them over normal sunglasses. (Bulbasaur enters, holding a CD)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, can you make me a hundred copies of this?

**Charmander:** What is it?

**Bulbasaur:** It's the new Blink-182 CD. (Mark stares at Bulbasaur from Charmander's monitor) That the guy from Blink-182?

**Charmander:** Yes.

**Mark Hoppus:** Hello, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, how's it goin'? (Mark gives him a "thumbs up" sign) Good. Charmander, we'll talk about it later. Hey! What's that? (walks over to a CD player in the control room)

**Charmander:** Oh, that's a, uh... what is that? (Loud noise off camera) What!

(Bulbasaur is holding Charmander in a head lock)

**Bulbasaur:** (talking quietly to Charmander) Now you listen to me. I could go to jail in Canada if Mark were to hear that I'm copying his CD. (glances over at Mark, who is watching them) Don't look at me! We're talkin' about dragons. (To Charmander) So you take Mark out to the set while I burn and verify these... (To Mark) these... dragons. (another loud noise as he releases Charmander)

**Charmander:** You don't know how to work it.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, I have a giant brain, which is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer.

**Charmander:** Okay, but that's not the CD burner...

**Bulbasaur:** (interrupting) Charmander... Yes.

**Charmander:** (pause) Alright. (Walks away)

**Mark Hoppus:** Thank you very very much, Bulbasaur, for having me on your show.

**Bulbasaur:** Sure, sure... wanna, wanna see how this works? (Bulbasaur presses a button; the CD player fires a brief ray, then falls over, explodes and catches fire.)

**Mark Hoppus:** (watches, slack-jawed)

**Bulbasaur:** Twenty. Yes.

(On the set, Charmander walks up to Bulbasaur's desk, talking in a lively DJ voice, with funky background music)

**Charmander:** Oh, yeah! Welcome to the Charmander Show!

**Mark Hoppus:** Thank you very much, Charmander.

**Charmander:** Thank _you_ very much, Mark Hoppus, for sitting next to the lady! Of the century! Oh yeah!

**Mark Hoppus:** You're very self-assured; you're very much a new-age girl.

**Bulbasaur:** (off screen) Come on! (off screen explosion; music stops. Cut to control room. The CD player is still burning, flames are engulfing Bulbasaur) No! No! (Cut back to set) No!

**Charmander:** That is fascinating! (music starts again) Mark Hoppus, you are very very interesting, and very very perceptive! 

**Mark Hoppus:** Really...

**Charmander:** So interesting and so perceptive that I think we will now fight with knives. (A large medieval looking knife pops into her hand; the music changes to a hard rock electric guitar beat)

**Squirtle:** (off camera) Yeah! To the death!

(The flaming CD player flies by Bulbasaur's desk, and crashes)

**Bulbasaur:** (runs onto set) That thing wasn't a CD burner to begin with. (Staring at Charmander holding a knife) What are you doing?

**Charmander:** (still doing DJ voice) I'm hosting the show!

**Bulbasaur:** With that knife.

**Charmander:** (in normal voice) Uh... yes.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh really.

**Charmander:** (clears her throat; knife is now gone. She resumes her DJ voice) Well hey, Mark asked me if he could see my knife, and Mark's doing a song about a knife, and he wanted to see what one looked like. Isn't that right, Mark? (Knife reappears in her hand).

**Bulbasaur:** (to Mark) Is that right?

**Mark Hoppus:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** 'Cause it sounds like a good idea. So do it.

**Mark Hoppus:** (shaking his head) No. (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Then I'll do it. (sings in low voice) I'm a kni-i-i-fe. Knifin' aro-o-o-und. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut... (walks back and forth on stage, making "cut" sounds)

**Mark Hoppus:** Do you take those, those (motions with his hand)... intelligence pills?

**Bulbasaur:** (stops) I don't need intelligent drugs, Mark. Because I don't know what they are. Okay, Mark?

**Mark Hoppus:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me. Whether it's supposed to go there or not. (sits down at his desk) Because... I'm different. (Mark stifles his laughter) Is that clear with everyone?

**Mark Hoppus:** Very.

**Bulbasaur:** Just different.

**Mark Hoppus:** That's because you're weird. (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (off camera) Whatch y'all doin'?

**Bulbasaur:** "Y'all"?

**Squirtle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Where'd you learn to talk like that?

**Squirtle:** Hattiesburg.

**Bulbasaur:** What were you doing in Hattiesburg?

**Squirtle:** Kickin' it.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh really.

**Squirtle:** Yep.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, that's interesting.

**Squirtle:** It _is_ interesting.

**Bulbasaur:** Mark, is that interesting?

**Mark Hoppus:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** See, Squirtle? We're not interested.

**Charmander:** (from control room, in her DJ voice, with funky background music) Well, I happen to think that it's very _very_ interesting!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander... it's over.

**Charmander:** Really?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah.

**Charmander:** Okay, oh, and your wife's on the phone.

**Squirtle:** Your wife?! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** I don't have a wife.

**Charmander:** She says she's your wife.

**Bulbasaur:** Look, just tell this woman that she's crazy. Just because I'm famous and sexy doesn't mean that someone can just go and marry me the second I leave the room.

**Squirtle:** What room?

**Bulbasaur:** Look, listen everybody... (Stands up) please? Listen to me. I have a hit song about a knife... and yes, I'm married. And that is why I want you to hang up right now. (Mark is zapped off the monitor and replaced with Bulbasaur's wife, played by Björk) Thank you, Charmander. (to his wife) Hey, honey, how are you?

**Björk:** Do you like Iron?

**Bulbasaur:** Iron? Iron's my favorite food, you know that. Is that why you called me?

**Björk:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh great.

**Björk:** Can I sing in Icelandic?

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, not right now, honey, please, I'm, I'm right in the middle of a, um... giant Pokemon war.

**Björk:** I, I enjoy talking to you.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, you do, but like I said, this space war, what can I do? Team Magma.

**Björk:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** (waving) Yeah, so, you have to go now.

**Björk:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay. So, I'll talk to you when there's peace. In Hoenn.

**Björk:** (pause) Yeah, and you like salmon or you like trout?

**Bulbasaur:** (pounds his desk) You know what, it doesn't matter. Because I love you so much...

**Björk:** Yeah?

**Bulbasaur:** ... that it's time for you to go to sleep.

**Björk:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Because that's what it means to love a woman so much.

**Björk:** Okay, do you -

**Bulbasaur:** So, you believe what I'm telling you, right?

**Björk:** Shall I sing to you, or sing to -

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander...

(Charmander switches Mark back to the monitor)

**Charmander:** You got married?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, okay? Everything gets married. Even animals and spiders. And, just because they don't have cakes and suits and wedding parties and expensive rings, doesn't mean that they're not legally, ahem... married.

**Charmander:** (beat)

**Bulbasaur:** C'mon, fight me.

**Squirtle:** Doesn't seem like you love her. (Bulbasaur stares at Squirtle, who blinks)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, love is about compromises, Squirtle.

**Mark Hoppus:** That's right.

**Bulbasaur:** Compromising your future to the city council of Bethesda, Maryland. (beat) Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut (scissor noise in background)

**Mark Hoppus:** (nods while Bulbasaur "cuts") But...

**Bulbasaur:** Look, marriage is about hiding in the kudzu behind your apartment, and not going in until the lights are completely out.

**Charmander:** Your wife's on the phone again.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, tell her I exploded, and tell her it was very sad, and the last thing I said was "make sure my wife moves out of my condo."

**Charmander:** She says it's an emergency.

**Bulbasaur:** Emergency... patch her through

(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor)

**Björk:** I have to go to the toilet.

**Bulbasaur: **Okay. Now, you remember the difference between the toilet and the sofa, right?

**Björk:** I think so.

**Bulbasaur:** And remember how angry I got.

**Björk:** It smells like... bad eggs.

**Bulbasaur:** Because that's what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you'd been urinating on.

**Björk:** Yeah'm?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh oh, and, as long as I've got you here, (does his power band move) tell that French DJ Tricky to move out.

**Björk:** What's his name again?

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know, he's your damned friend.

**Björk:** And I would love to introduce you to him.

**Bulbasaur:** I've met him. He's living on our couch, with the urine. And tell him to stop letting in strangers to listen to his new beats.

**Björk:** It makes all the children happy.

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) Honey, those aren't children; they're packets of cream cheese.

**Björk:** Sometimes I can't separate between the two, do you know that?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah. I... wish I'd known that when we were just dating.

**Björk:** You have a mask, has anyone told you?

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, honey? I buried a present for you out in the yard.

**Björk:** Yeah'm?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah. Why don't you go dig it up? (Mark replaces Björk on the monitor)

**Squirtle:** Hey, um... what'd you bury?

**Bulbasaur:** Her mother.

**Squirtle:** Cool.

**Bulbasaur:** No, Squirtle, it's just a bagel, she started calling "mother".

**Mark Hoppus:** (motions with mug, as in making a toast) Here's to getting hitched, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (raises his mug) Yeah. Let's drink until our hearts stop.

(Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Mark drink from their mugs. Bulbasaur drinks for a long time, leaning backward. He takes a breath, then continues drinking)

**Squirtle:** Cool... well look, Totodile's coming' by in about five minutes, so, uh... I gotta skate.

**Bulbasaur:** What are y'all gonna do?

**Squirtle:** I think we're gonna smash light bulbs out by the dumpster.

**Bulbasaur:** Really? I'm gonna go with you.

**Squirtle:** Well... (sighs) You can't. You're not my friend.

**Bulbasaur:** We have things in common. Er, your girlfriend's still big into those trains, for instance?

**Squirtle:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Well... what's she big into now?

**Squirtle:** Look, when Totodile gets here, why don't you just go run around or, hide or something'? I don't know, go to the kitchen.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm coming with you.

**Squirtle:** No you're not!

**Bulbasaur:** Then you're not going anywhere!

**Mark Hoppus:** You've got a, you've got a... (makes a oval motion around his nose and mouth)

**Bulbasaur:** What, Mark?

**Mark Hoppus:** (makes motion again) What's that? (Bulbasaur sighs; Mark motions again) This thing here.

**Bulbasaur:** (impatiently) It's a mouth, Mark.

**Mark Hoppus:** Well, anyway...

**Squirtle:** Totodile's here, see you later!

**Bulbasaur:** (shouting) What did I just tell you earlier?

**Squirtle:** (quietly) He's here!

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Oh, sorry man. (ducks down behind his desk)

**Charmander:** Hey, your wife's on the phone again.

(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Are they gone?

**Björk:** Yeah, do you get along with them?

**Bulbasaur:** (sits up again) What, are you kidding, they're my best friends! That's why I married you, so I wouldn't have them anymore.

**Björk:** Yeah, thanks for inviting me.

**Bulbasaur:** You're welcome, I didn't. Hey honey, I really wanna go outside and smash glass with my turtle friend Squirtle, okay?

**Björk:** What's his name again?

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, you know, he, he's my buddy from work?

**Björk:** Well, maybe you should stay indoors.

**Bulbasaur:** Look, I need this. For me. I feel like I'm in jail here!

**Björk:** I seem to, um, get the picture. If you know what I mean.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I know what you mean. What exactly do you mean?

**Björk:** Um... enjoy, uh, refreshing time.

**Bulbasaur:** Enjoy refreshing what?

**Björk:** Time.

**Bulbasaur:** Fine, I will. And don't count on us ever getting married again.

(Mark replaces Björk on the monitor)

**Charmander:** So, are you going'?

**Bulbasaur:** No, she'd kill me. (Mark clears his throat, and holds up a black piece of yarn) Whatdya got there, Mark?

**Mark Hoppus:** It's a worm.

**Bulbasaur:** (whispering) Oh, god...

**Charmander:** Your wife's on the phone again.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you can just tell _her_ that I'll be home no later than eight.

(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor, now sporting red hair and a different outfit)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, honey!

**Björk:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** You're different!

**Björk:** Yeah, just for a while.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh. Look, honey, craziest thing, heh heh. Another Pokemon war, if you can believe that, and it's... out by the... dumpster, uh...

**Björk:** Yeah?

**Bulbasaur:** Hopefully this will mean peace. But there's someone here who would love to listen to your mouth.

**Björk:** Who's that?

**Bulbasaur:** Her name is Charmander. (Charmander growls) Get down here, Charmander. (To Björk) She wants to ask you every little thing you know about ice.

**Charmander:** (walks toward Bulbasaur's desk) No I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes you do.

**Charmander:** No, I don't!

**Bulbasaur:** YES, YOU DO! (Powers his Solarbeam, poised to fire)

**Charmander:** (pause) Yes I do.

**Björk:** I know quite a lot about things like that because I come from Iceland, which is a tiny place with only 280,000 people... (Bulbasaur flies off while Björk talks)

**Charmander:** (disinterested) Oh really.

(Bulbasaur is by the dumpster, Squirtle is sitting nearby)

**Bulbasaur:** Where's all the glass?

**Squirtle:** Eh... broke it all. I feel empty.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, here's some boxes. Let's break those down so that they'll store properly.

**Squirtle:** That's boring!

**Bulbasaur:** You don't know from fun. This is responsible!

**Squirtle:** I need what you have. (quietly) I need a woman.

(Sound of a cell phone ringing. Bulbasaur's cell phone is blinking)

**Bulbasaur:** Hang, hang on.

**Squirtle:** Someone that I can sell her organs to Black Sabbath.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, please.

**Squirtle:** Make me some money.

**Bulbasaur:** (to his phone) Bulbasaur's cell phone.

**Squirtle:** You hear what I said?!

**Björk:** (over the phone) I have to say I'm a great fan of triangles.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I have to say that I am a great fan of Chuck Norris, and he was in the Delta Force, and the delta was a triangle.

**Björk:** The one that came up when I was eleven.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah! You know honey, all this talk about Chuck is making me want to get married all over again.

**Björk:** Yeah?

**Bulbasaur:** Because at the Beta Barn, you get 20% off for each marriage.

**Björk:** (long pause) And what's your name again?

(Bulbasaur is now standing on a hill, overlooking Budapest, Hungary. His monitor is there with Björk on it. Organ music plays)

**Minister:** In sickness and in health, until death do you part?

**Björk:** Yeah.

**Minister:** And do you, Bulbasaur, take this woman...

**Bulbasaur:** (punches monitor, it flies out of view) Oh no. (pause)

**Squirtle:** (enters from off screen and punches Bulbasaur, knocking him down. Charmander is standing next to him) Oh no!

**Charmander:** (chuckles) Oh no! (reaches with her arm)

**Squirtle:** Don't.


	16. Telethon

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

AN  
IMPORTANT  
ANNOUNCEMENT  
CONCERNING  
THE FUTURE OF  
POKEMON  
COAST TO COAST

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Bulbasaur, with an important announcement to make. (clears his throat; talks quietly) We're broke. (violin music begins) That's right, the Pokemon Coast to Coast show is out of cash. So tonight our regular show has been preimmunized for a special Pokemon telethon. If you love me, or have ever loved me, or ever plan to love me in the future, I urge you tonight, to please stay tuned, pledge generously, to help keep Pokemon alive in the U.S.A!

(In the commissary)

**Squirtle:** So, whattya gonna do if the show gets canned?

**Charmander:** Oh, I got a few irons in the fire.

**Squirtle:** Like what?

**Charmander:** They're remaking "Monster Rancher", only this time... he's a woman!

**Squirtle:** What're you talking about? There was always a woman!

**Charmander:** Oh. Uh, I'm gonna get some coffee.

**Squirtle:** You don't have any leads, do ya?

**Charmander:** Leave me alone!

**Squirtle:** YOU LIAR! YOU MADE THAT UP!

**Charmander:** LEAVE ME ALONE!

(Opening theme & titles; opening graphic sequence shifts to studio monitor as it is displayed)

**Bulbasaur:** You see, folks, hi-tech computer animation like this costs money. How much? I don't know, but trust me, it's one heck of a lot. And we're wiped out cleaner than a fat man's eatin' hand. (smile sparkles) So I turn to you, the viewers, in my chapter of need. I know you folks will call the numbers flashing on the screen below, and pledge your undying support.

CALL NOW!  
(555) 555-CASH

**Bulbasaur:** Because you have a jug o' love for me, and you're thirsty for what I got! (makes kisses to camera)

PALLET TOWN  
(555) 555-GIVE

**Squirtle:** (wide-eyed) This is shameful, even to me!

**Charmander:** It's just so... wrong.

**Scyther:** Ahem. A-hem!

SUPPORT THE POKEMON  
(555) 555-DEBT

**Bulbasaur:** Why, look, everybody! The Council of Anime is here! They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls.

**Scyther:** Yes! And every twenty dollar pledge r-r-receives a kissy-kiss, from your truly!

**Mihoshi:** Really?

BOSTEN  
(555) 555-IBEG

**Scyther:** Yes, come over here, baby! Come a little closer, I want to smell what you've been eating all day!

**Mihoshi:** (whimpers)

**Scyther:** Liverwurst! Divine! (sniff sniff) Oh, and thick sliced cross cut of bologna! How fragrant!

HELP!  
(555) 555-MOOLAH

**Mihoshi:** Oh, you...

**Squirtle:** I'd pay twenty bucks to hear Scyther shut up!

**Scyther:** And you need to get over yourself, lover!

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) Our goal tonight is a mere seventeen and a half million dollars!

RUMYUNGYUNSONSON  
(555) 555-PAYUP

**Scyther:** Tell me, Bulbasaur, you oafish lunkheaded clodpate, you tr-r-ruly believe that you can r-r-raise that much wampum in such a paltry amount of time?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes indeedy! I'm putting my money where my mouth is!

CALL THIS MINUTE  
(555) 555-GREEN

**Bulbasaur:** I'm going to start us off by donating the proceeds from the sale of three pints of my (echo effect) Super Pokemon Blood! (end echo) Charmander, let's go to the big board.

**Charmander:** (throws lever) (numbers spin on the "DON'T GIVE UP the MON" tote board, with the final total showing :)

$36.10

**Bulbasaur:** (subdued) Woo whee.

SECTORS R OR N  
(555) 555-BROKE

**Bulbasaur:** (taps his cards) And I'm sure we'll be adding it up with our first performer. So make that pledge now, folks, while we bring on funny man Karen Burton-Haskell! (Band music intro)

**Molly Hale:** Oooooh! Aaaaah!

DON'T BE CHEAP  
(555) 555-BILLS

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Thank you! Pokemon Planet, how are ya, Bulbasaur, very good to see you. It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen, you too, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** Don't you even look at me!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** But, uh, Pokemon Planet, boy, this is something'. I can't believe I got a flight up here! (rim shot)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs)

NEW ISLAND  
(555) 555-DOUGH

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** But, it's great to be anywhere, I tell ya, the club I was workin' at last week? Big Jehovah Witness convention at the hotel I was staying' at.

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs)

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** And you know what I did? I went out after my show... What did I... Ah... sorry. (walks off stage)

PLEASE, PLEASE CALL!  
(555) 555-POOR

**Bulbasaur:** Well, now, wasn't that... Karen Burton-Haskell, every one.

**Dynablade:** Bulbasaur! Somebody just called, and they wanna donate a billion dollars!

**Bulbasaur:** What's their name?!

**Dynablade:** Seymour Hiney.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you so much, Seymour. Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.

SOUTH PARK  
(555) 555-FUNDS

**Squirtle:** You idiot!

**Charmander:** It was a prank call!

**Bulbasaur:** Uh... Oh. I am now rescinding my thank-you. Council, accept no more calls from the Hiney family. Charmander, next performer! Toot sweety!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  
(555) 555-GIFT

(Charmander throws lever, a Dutch test pattern appears for a split second before Leopold "Butters" Stotch from "**South****Park**" is sent to studio monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings, citizen Next Performer.

**"Butters":** G-greetings.

**Squirtle:** Arrr, 'tis a scurvy pirate!

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-o-o!

**Dynablade:** He's not a pirate, stupid!

**"Butters":** Actually, I'm dressed out of the Renaissance period...

VERMONT CALL  
(555) 555-MONEY

**Dynablade:** A humanistic revival of art, literature, and learning in Europe which occurred during the 14th through 16th centuries. Tell me something I don't know!

**"Butters":** Can I show you some juggling while I'm here?

**Dynablade:** JUGGLING! OH BOY! DO IT! DO SOME JUGGLING!

USE YOUR PHONE!  
(555) 555-BREAD

**"Butters":** (juggles three colored balls, accompanied by cheesy organ music)

**Bulbasaur:** Look, he's honestly juggling! Come on, folks, isn't this worth at least a few million?

**Mihoshi:** Ooh, watch him juggle!

(Big board total drops from $36.10 to $31.10)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey wait a second, the total just went down five dollars!

¿AL SUR DE LA FRONTERA? LLAMA:  
(555) 555-PESO

**Charmander:** Uh, I know, I... just rented "Cabin Fever". I hear it's awesome. 

**Dynablade:** Oh, I wanna see that!

**Charmander:** It's rated "R", Dynablade!

**Dynablade:** Aw, poop.

(Dynablade's image on monitor is replaced by Fox McCloud)

**Charmander:** Oh!

**Fox:** Greetings, citizens! 

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-o-o!

**Squirtle:** Obscene fox call!

CALL, CALL, CALL!  
(555) 555-BUSTED

**Fox:** Are you getting enough oxygen?

**Bulbasaur:** Look, Fox, I'm in the middle of my telethon right now.

**Fox:** You know, Tad, don't you think it's ironic that when I ask for money it's called begging, but when you drop to your knees it's called a telethon.

(following text displayed mirrored :)

MUSHROOM KINGDOM  
(555) 555-P3&-$%8

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, how about that? Ain't that somethin'?

**Fox:** I got something' I can do for your telethon. How about I decorate your back window with a little of my lasers?

**Bulbasaur:** How about if I throw a fish on the floor and you eat it!

WE ACCEPT FOODSTAMPS!  
(555) 555-PENNILESS

**Dynablade:** That's okay, Fox, I'll do it. I like fish!

**Fox:** (shakes his head) I'm outta here. (image fades from monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** Um, uh, let's keep things moving. Uh, Charmander, how about another guest?

(Monitor shows a test pattern, followed by Coco the Electronic Monkey Wizard)

**Coco****:** Charmander!

(Charmander throws the lever, which sends Coco away and sends Bob Saget and Robbie to studio monitor)

**Bulbasaur:** Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for...

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-o-o!

MIDGAR  
(555) 555-SPEND

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, Bob Saget and Robby!

**Ventriloquist Dummy:** Hey, how ya doin'?

**Bulbasaur:** Um, your little friend just, um, talked.

**Ventriloquist Dummy:** (to Bob) Little friend, who's he talkin' to?

**Squirtle:** It's a puppet!

**Bulbasaur:** A puppet! Did you say a puppet?

**Bob Saget:** Yes, puppet.

COUNTERFEIT BILLS NOT A PROBLEM!  
(555) 555-CHANGE

**Ventriloquist Dummy:** Puppet. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.

**Bulbasaur:** AAAA! THE PUPPET TALKS! SQUIRTLE! THE PUPPET TALKS!

**Ventriloquist Dummy:** P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Bob and Robby from the monitor; "Butters" reappears, holding three knives)

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-o-o!

**"Butters":** One, two, three, here we go. (starts juggling the knives)

**Molly Hale:** (screams)

TOPEKA  
(555) 555-BUCK

**Bulbasaur:** Bless you, Santa, it's the Juggler!

**Molly Hale:** (continues screaming)

**Scyther:** Oh, Molly Hale, please continue that shrieking, because it can't possibly be more annoying!

**"Butters":** (still juggling knives) Now, I have a confession to make here, I have never really figured out a way to stop this. So, uh, any ideas?

REMEMBER, NO $$$, NO POC2C  
(555) 555-STRAPPED

**Charmander:** Uh, let it fall on your head.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, do that.

**Charmander:** Mmm, that might be dangerous. 

MARS  
(555) 555-ROCK

**Squirtle:** Hey, throw 'em up really high, and catch 'em in your mouth.

**Charmander:** But be careful.

**"Butters":** (still juggling knives) There we go.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts Russ on monitor)

**"Butters":** Oh! (drops the knives) I missed that.

**Bulbasaur:** Council of Anime! Any calls?

**Council of Anime:** No!

YOUR GIFTS ARE TAX DEDUCTABLE  
(555) 555-LOOPHOLE

**Bulbasaur:** Well, then, I guess we can take a break for some commercial messages.

**Squirtle:** Telethons don't have commercials!

**Bulbasaur:** And Pokemon can't talk, Squirtle, (switches to Squirtle voice) SO WELCOME TO THE ASYLUM!

**Squirtle:** (stares back wide-eyed)

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

MTV  
(555) 555-JACK

**Bulbasaur:** And we're back. Charmander, how are the phones?

**Charmander:** (whispering) Silent, like crabs.

**Squirtle:** Yes, like crabs.

**Bulbasaur:** (This is worse than the time you had to battle Team Rocket bare-bottom to the thumbtack factory.)

MOM! PLEASE CALL!  
(555) 555-ALLOWANCE

**Bulbasaur:** (What can I do to save this series?) Council of Anime? (charges Solarbeam) Give me your money!

**Scyther:** No! I shan't give you a penny.

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-oh no!

**Dynablade:** Okay, here's my allowance.

**Donald Duck:** (squawks and slams fist)

HALE BOPP  
(555) 555-HELP

**Mihoshi:** You still owe me money!

**Scyther:** (mocking) You still owe me money! You still owe me money! Ah, there it is again, the acrid putridity of Mihoshi's chronic halitosis!

**Mihoshi:** (whimpers)

**Scyther:** SHUT THAT STENCH-HOLE OR I SHELL GAG!

**Bulbasaur:** (None of this is real.)

UNDERTAKER  
PLEASE DO NOT CALL

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** (back on stage) Pokemon Planet, how are ya? Bulbasaur, very good to see you. (band music plays)

**Bulbasaur:** Karen Burton-Haskell, everybody.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be here, good to see ya. You too, Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** Feh.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** But, man, Pokemon Planet, finally, finally get to be on Pokemon Planet.

MISSINGNO  
(555) 555-CREDIT

**Bulbasaur:** Phones are open, folks.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** I can't believe I got a flight up here. (rim shot)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs)

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** But, uh, gol, I keep forgetting about that Jehovah Witness thing.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN  
(555) 555-SAUR

**Squirtle:** Nice try, freak.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** I'm sorry; I was off my mark anyway. (Walks off stage, in front of Bulbasaur's desk)

(Bob Saget reappears on studio monitor, with an Elvis dummy)

**Ventriloquist Dummy:** (sings) Goodnight, oh-h-h-h!

**Bulbasaur:** Phones are open, folks.

LITTLE ARTHUR  
(555) 555-KWACHA

**Charmander:** (looking at weather map on control room monitor) You see, these drops are falling in between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big "H", 'cause that's where heaven is.

**Bob Saget:** Well, we can do "Viva Las Vegas", but we, uh, I have it on cassette.

(Shot of the Big Board, total is still at $31.10)

GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS  
(555) 555-PENCE

**Bulbasaur:** I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to kill you, because we're not getting any calls, and you're the nearest scapegoat.

**Bob Saget:** Oh, okay.

**Bulbasaur:** (blasts them off the monitor) (subdued) Well, what else can I say, except... (looks at his blue card) Ladies and gentlemen... (band music plays)

NEW CHICAGO  
(555) 555-KYAT

**Squirtle:** Oh, no!

**Bulbasaur:** Karen Burton-Haskell.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** (walking onto stage) Thank you.

**Dynablade:** Oh, you're welcome!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Thank you, Pokemon Planet; it's great to see everyone. Even you, Squirtle.

COMEDY AIN'T FREE, YOU KNOW  
(555) 555-HAHA

**Squirtle:** Shine on, you crazy diamond. (rim shot; Karen looks around)

**Bulbasaur:** Phones are open, folks.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** Guys, we cannot pick up women in fast food restaurants. There is only one person who can pick up a girl at the salad bar at Burger King. That person, of course, is... (turns around, puts on wig)

PARADISE ISLAND  
(555) 555-SHEKEL

**Dynablade:** Karen Burton! Karen Burton! You, Karen Burton! Karen Burton!

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** (turns around, wearing Kramer wig) Kramer, from "Seinfeld".

**Bulbasaur:** Kramer!?

**Dynablade:** Oh boy, an impression!

**Mihoshi:** You see, he's gonna act like Kramer from "Seinfeld", but he's really not.

NO MORE I.O.U.'s PLEASE  
(555) 555-ZLOTY

**Dynablade:** Aw, what a gyp.

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** (doing Kramer gestures and voice) Cucumbers. Roughage. Cool! So, can I buy you a pie? Aaaaa!

HYRULE  
(555) 555-RUPEE

**Bulbasaur:** (In my head, where it's safe a warm, I'm making lots of money.)

**Karen Burton-Haskell:** ... Oh, yes. (phone rings in background) (normal voice) I've never done anything where absolutely nobody laughs.

**Charmander:** Welcome to Pokemon Coast to Coast.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, they're laughing' alright.

**Dynablade:** Bulbasaur! There's a call!

**Bulbasaur:** Is it one of those Hineys?

**Dynablade:** Um... yes.

METROPOLIS  
(555) 555-JANE

**Bulbasaur:** ARGH! THAT'S IT! (pounds desk) I've had it with you people! I do this Hindenburg of a talk show each week, and where does it get me? Humiliation City, population one. LISTEN UP READERS: IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, I'M... gonna... uh, SHOOT DYNABLADE!

DO WE HAVE TO THREATEN YOU?  
(555) 555-PAIN

**Dynablade:** I didn't do anything bad! (sobbing) I don't wanna be shot!

**Bulbasaur:** What am I doing? Dynablade, I, I am sorry.

**Dynablade:** It's okay, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** It is? Well then... (blasts Dynablade)

COPPERSTONE ISLAND  
(555) 555-GIVEIT

**Dynablade:** Aaaaa! (blam!) Yeow, that smarts.

**Bulbasaur:** There! See? See what you people made me do? (Dramatic drum roll, Big Board counts down)

**All:** Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!

CHECK UNDER THE CUSHIONS  
(555) 555-NICKELS

**Molly Hale:** O-o-o-o-o!

**Squirtle:** Happy New Year!

**Bulbasaur:** Whoa, mama! Come on, come on, come on, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! Yes! (digits start to reveal themselves, total is larger than $31.10) 

$814,375.76

**Bulbasaur:** Yes! (pounds his desk)

$-814,375.76

**Bulbasaur:** Wh- wha, whu, but th-th-th-that's impossible, Charmander, because we...

PARIS (NO HARD FEELINGS?)  
(555) 555-FRANC

**Charmander:** Well, the big board cost fifteen thousand, and there's the added phone lines, teamsters, catering from KFC. The blue screen for Karen Burton, that cost ten grand, plus she took a cab. The weather graphics, "Cabin Fever" rental, the Council's fees, and, oh yeah, the eighty thousand dollar Ming dynasty vase that Dynablade is about to knock over.

**Dynablade:** Dig this, Ming, I'm sick of your dynasty! (sound of vase breaking)

(Lights go black)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, what's going on?

**Charmander:** Um, they cut the power.

(Credits roll)

**Mihoshi:** (whispers) Hey! Let's all take off our skins! (laughs)

(Cash register sound)


	17. Jerk

: WAITING

**Bulbasaur:** (sitting at desk, reading a speech) ... but most of all, I'd like to take a moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me, Bulbasaur! Thank you, me!

**Charmander:** Ten seconds, Space Ghost.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now... first, the Fanfiction Awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Lulu, Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...

**Dynablade:** Hey!

**Bulbasaur:** Aaugh!

**Dynablade:** All hail Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** No!

**Dynablade:** Let Dynablade do the intro! Live from Pokemon Planet, it's Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** No!

**Dynablade:** Let Dynablade sing the theme!

**Bulbasaur:** No, no, no, no!

**Dynablade:** La la la la la la la la la!

**Charmander:** You're on!

(Opening theme & titles; Dynablade sings along)

**Bulbasaur:** (Runs in to set) Who let that little creep on? Didn't anyone listen to what I said? Didn't I just get through telling you, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby's...

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Charmander:** Like, we're on the air, man!

**Bulbasaur:** Er, uh, what? But, but I'm not ready! That, that little creep threw me off! Quick, start over!

**Charmander:** What?

**Squirtle:** You jerk, Bulbasaur, we're live! You can't start over!

**Bulbasaur:** Er, er, um, uh, well then, uh, everyone close your eyes!

**Squirtle:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** Close them!

**Squirtle:** Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)

**Bulbasaur:** (to you) You too, home Citizens! 

(Quick! Turn off your monitor for 10 seconds!)

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay now, open them!

**Squirtle:** (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrusted shut! Help me! Help meeeee!

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) Ten seconds and already this one's in the toilet. (normal voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! (laughs) Woopsie daisy! As you can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky (ripping sound)

**Squirtle:** Wacky?

**Charmander:** Kooky?

**Bulbasaur:** And that's because tonight's show's a real doozy! My guests are sassy comedic chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and... wait a second... Charmander, is this right? A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?

**Charmander:** His name is Palmer Mills... nice guy.

**Bulbasaur:** An average citizen? On my doozy? Charmander, what gives?

**Charmander:** Eh, we got him dirt cheap.

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs) Uh, well, besides that star-studded line-up, we've added oodles of exciting new features to our show.

**Squirtle:** What a load of...

**Bulbasaur:** What's that, Squirtle? What are these loads of excitement? Well, for starters, we have a live studio audience here in the studio! Completely live! (applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at the Pokemon Planet, live! (phone rings) Not now!

(Subtitles:)  
do not call in...  
this is a fan fiction series  
what are you, stupid?

**Bulbasaur:** And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice! (does double take) What?

**Squirtle:** (evil laugh) Live!

**Bulbasaur:** Not happening, funny boy.

**Squirtle:** Rats!

**Audience:** (boos)

**Bulbasaur:** Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live studio audience. (shows audience full of Squirtles) Baba ghanoush, it's the lone audience of the Unown! Squirtle, do you know these people?

**Squirtle:** Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Bulbasaur?

**Uncle Judy:** (in Southern accent) Squirt-le! Squirt-le! Ovah heah!

**Aunt Lars:** Hi, Squir-tle!

**Squirtle:** Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Judy, Aunt Lars. Uh, sorry about Raymond.

**Aunt Lars:** That's okay, we was gonna eat him up anyway.

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Bulbasaur:** I don't find that funny.

**Squirtle:** Don't be such a jerk, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!

**Squirtle:** Oh, my, Bulba Jerk can count!

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Bulbasaur:** Don't call me a jerk, Squirtle! You... you... you jerk!

**Squirtle:** I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** No, you are!

**Squirtle:** You are!

**Bulbasaur:** You are!

**Squirtle:** You are!

**Bulbasaur:** Jerk!

**Squirtle:** Jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** Jerk!

**Squirtle:** Jerk! (Bulbasaur and Squirtle repeat "Jerk!" faster and faster until…)

**Bulbasaur:** Enough... We've wasted too much award-winning time! Charmander, first guest! Get Sandra on!

**Charmander:** Yeah, whatever. Jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, former star of her own multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Bernhard!

**Audience:** (applause)

**Charmander:** Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now I'll have to talk to that ordinary guest guy!

**Salesman:** (appears on monitor) For your free copy...

**Bulbasaur:** (monitor changes again, shows Palmer Mills) Who's that?

**Charmander:** It's your guest.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden variety non-celebrity citizen whoever.

**Palmer Mills:** Glad to be with you today.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I bet you are, Joe Plainfolks. (condescending) So, you own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?

**Palmer Mills:** I thought you'd ask that...

**Bulbasaur:** Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could bench press you from now 'til doomsday. What do you think of that, average citizen?

**Palmer Mills:** (stunned silence) Well...

**Bulbasaur:** Think it'll rain today? How about those New England Patriots? Better yet, how about those Detroit Tigers? Boxers or briefs?

**Palmer Mills:** Well, that's a rather pointed question...

**Bulbasaur:** Well, isn't that what you average citizens talk about, hmmmm, huh, hmmmm? Answer me!

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur! He's a guest!

**Bulbasaur:** Some guest he is! Look at him; he's mundaning up my whole show! How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph, pizzazz, joy d'vivre! Charmander! Is Sandra ready yet?!

**Charmander:** Well, um... no.

**Bulbasaur:** Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?

**Caller 1:** Actually, I wanted to ask Mr. Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.

**Palmer Mills:** Tim Allen... let's see, he doesn't, he doesn't have a store in our, our town.

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey! I do the jokes here! Next caller! Hello? You're on the air with Bulbasaur!

**Caller 2:** (actually Scyther) Hello? Hello?

**Bulbasaur:** (recognizing that it's Scyther) Okay, I see how it is.

**Caller 2:** Uh, hello, Mr. Mills? What would you suggest using for eradicating giant turtles?

**Squirtle:** What! Is that you, Scyther?

**Palmer Mills:** Sevin dust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great for it.

**Bulbasaur:** Hmmm! Sevin dust in metal can. I'll have to remember that. Hey, you know something, Joe? That reminds me, maybe I should come to your store. I need to replace my... Orgone... Zargon... Zargonite...

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Palmer Mills:** Zorgonute Branch.

**Bulbasaur:** I know how to say it, earthling! I am a talk show host, y'know. I know how to say things! I can say lots of things! Tuna fish! Parentheses! Coochie-coochie girl Molly Hale! Zingnut Ranch!

**Palmer Mills:** Zorgonute Branch.

**Bulbasaur:** That cuts it, Hardware Boy! No skinny pink boy's gonna tell me how to say things on my show! CHARMANDER! GET HIM OFF!

**Audience:** (boos)

**Squirtle:** Sheesh! What a jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** EVERYONE BE QUIET OR I'LL CLEAR THE STUDIO! CHARMANDER! SANDRA BERNHARD! NOW!

**Charmander:** She went out for... knishes.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) Okay, okay, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.

**Dynablade:** (appears on monitor) Hail, Dynablade!

**Charmander:** Hail, Dynablade!

**Audience:** Hail, Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** Not Dynablade, break! Break!

**Audience:** Hail Dynablade! Hail Dynablade! Hail Dynablade! ...

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs) I'm an unhappy Togepi...

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Charmander:** (in control room) Sorry about Bulbasaur, man, he's, he's being' a real jerk today.

**Palmer Mills:** I was a little bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?

**Charmander:** Oh, no, no, you were great, you were great. Are we still on for going fishing'? Is this weekend good for you?

**Palmer Mills:** Any time, any time.

**Audience:** (applause)

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle! I'm warning you!

**Squirtle:** (makes raspberry sound)

**Charmander:** Ix-nay, Ost-ghay.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, hi! Heh heh, we're back to the show, where any day now my guest will be the lovely Sandra Bernhard. In the meantime, let's take some more calls, from you, the viewers. Hello, you're on the air.

**Caller 3:** Hello, can I, can I speak to Mr. Mills?

**Bulbasaur:** Sorry, he's off the show. Next!

**Caller 4:** Uh, yes, I have a question for Miss Bernhard.

**Bulbasaur:** Sorry, she's not in yet. Do you have a question or comment for me?

**Caller 4:** (hangs up, off-hook busy signal)

**Bulbasaur:** (sullen) Doesn't anyone want to speak to me? I'm the host... (angry) NEXT CALLER!

**Caller 5:** (sexy female voice) Hello, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** Yes?

**Caller 5:** Play "Misty's Song" for me.

**Squirtle:** Aaaagghhhh!

**Bulbasaur:** Next caller!

**Caller 6:** Is your refrigerator running?

**Bulbasaur:** What a stupid question! Of course it is!

**Caller 6:** Better go catch it!

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** I don't get it. What's so darn funny?

**Squirtle:** What a jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** Hello!

**Caller 7:** Paging Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** YOU! Haven't I told you never to call me here? CHARMANDER! HANG UP! (Charmander throws switch) Next caller.

**Caller 8:** (actually Ash and Misty) (off-hook busy signal) Jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** Next call!

**Caller 9:** Hello? Mr. Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** Heh! It's for me! Yes, Citizen?

**Caller 9:** Mr. Saur, I'm calling about your long distance service.

**Bulbasaur:** Ack! Not interested!

**Caller 9:** If I could just have a moment of your time...

**Bulbasaur:** Blow off, wage slave.

**Caller 9:** (shocked) Jerk! (slams receiver)

**Squirtle:** Why are you such a jerk tonight, Bulbasaur? Is it the loneliness?

**Bulbasaur:** Well...

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey! I'm not lonely! And I'm not a jerk!

**Squirtle:** Yes, yes! You're the loneliest jerkiest jerk! You're King Jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle!

**Audience:** (laughter throughout)

**Squirtle:** Lord Jerk! Emperor Jerk! Pope of the Jerks!!

**Bulbasaur:** SQUIRTLE!

**Squirtle:** Jerk-meister, jerk-arino, jerk-enstein, jerk-o, beef-jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy, jerk-a-mundo!

**Bulbasaur:** I am rubber, Squirtle, and you are glue!

**Squirtle:** Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!

**Bulbasaur:** (phone rings) Charmander! The phone!

**Charmander:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander!

**Charmander:** (still laughing) What?

**Bulbasaur:** The phone!

**Charmander:** Oh, yeah, can you get that?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, okay (answers the phone) Hello? (no response) Hello!

**???:** Hello, Bulby!

**Bulbasaur:** That, that voice!

**???:** Do you know who this is, Bulby-kins?

**Bulbasaur:** Good Lord! I know that voice! But it can't be! You're...

**???:** In the mental hospital? Oh no, Bulby boy, not anymore! I escaped last night!

**Bulbasaur:** Eh, uh, now look, Belle...

**Squirtle:** Belle? Who's Belle?

**Bulbasaur:** Ohhh, just evil, pure and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss it.

**Squirtle:** Evil Belle?

**Bulbasaur:** No, she's my... (dramatic sting music) ex-girlfriend!

**Squirtle:** Evil twin?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, my ex-girlfriend! Bellossom! Doesn't everyone have an ex-girlfriend?

**Charmander:** No.

**Squirtle:** Not me, brother.

**Palmer Mills:** No, no, no.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) Ah, we walk alike, we talk alike...

**Squirtle:** (sings) What a crazy pair!

**Bulbasaur:** Then, one day, Sakura and Li made her lose control.

**Bellossom:** (still on phone) Bulby, do you remember when we were dating, how I would make you cry. The ropes, Tad, remember the ropes? How I'd twist them and twist them, and keep twisting them until...

**Bulbasaur:** (nervous laughter) Can't talk now, Belle, got a talk show to do, you know. (hides under desk)

**Bellossom:** Wait for me, Bulby, wait for me, I'll be right over! (evil laugh; then hangs up, off-hook busy signal)

**Squirtle:** (long pause while everyone looks in shock at the empty studio) Uh, Bulbasaur,

**Bulbasaur:** (still under desk) Uh, yeah?

**Squirtle:** Is your ex-girlfriend a jerk too?

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Bulbasaur:** (sits back down in his chair) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Turtle! You don't want me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Turtle?

**Squirtle:** "Mr. Funny Turtle"?

**Audience:** (in unison) "Mr. Funny Turtle"?

**Sandra Bernhard:** (now on screen; she laughs; then exchanges stares with Squirtle)

**Bulbasaur:** Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

**Sandra Bernhard:** (stares at Squirtle)

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) Sandra! Charmander, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Uh, hello, Citizen Sandra! It's about time. I mean, welcome to the show!

**Audience:** (applause)

**Sandra Bernhard:** Wow!

**Squirtle:** Hey Sandra, what do you call Bulbasaur drinking a root beer?

**Sandra Bernhard:** Um...

**Squirtle:** A soda jerk!

**Audience:** (laughter)

**Bulbasaur:** Hey! I want a big laugh like Squirtle! Charmander! Get me a big laugh!

**Charmander:** (throws switch, a really feeble single voice laugh comes out)

**Bulbasaur:** That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, uh, Sandra, tell me about your super-powers.

**Sandra Bernhard:** My super-power?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, yes, your super-powers!

**Sandra Bernhard:** I can psychically read every thought inside of your mind right now, if you have any... wait, I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.

**Bulbasaur:** (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need food, I'd love some tacos, mmmmm, chicken tacos! Refried beans!)

**Sandra Bernhard:** Love some tacos, chicken tacos, refried beans... And a chimichanga!

**Bulbasaur:** Aaaaah! She's scanning me! (Sandra laughs) Sandra, stop that! Get out of my mind! You're freaking me out!

**Sandra Bernhard:** I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?

**Squirtle:** She's alright!

**Charmander:** She is alright!

**Squirtle:** That girl's al-l-l-right! She's real people!

**Bulbasaur:** Ehhhh, yeah.

**Sandra Bernhard:** That's one of my super-powers.

**Bulbasaur:** Ahem! Let's take a call for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air!

**Caller 10:** (heavy breathing) Sandra, can you tell what I'm thinking?

**Sandra Bernhard:** Oh, I know what you're thinking, but the author doesn't want a lemon. Uh, I think.

**Bulbasaur:** Let's have some serious calls, please! Next caller! Hello?

**Caller 11:** (actually Dynablade) Do you have Prince Albert in a can? (Sandra laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with Sandra Bernhard!

**Caller 12:** Um, yeah, what's, uh, what's on after this? My back button's not working on my computer.

**Bulbasaur:** Next caller!

**Caller 13:** (female voice) Yeah, can I see your muscles?

**Bulbasaur:** Why, of course! Admire my wonderful...

**Caller 13:** Not yours, hers, you jerk!

**Bulbasaur:** Oh.

**Sandra Bernhard:** (rolls up sleeve) Okay, well, I'm not going to show you all of them, but I will show you this one. (flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?

**Bulbasaur:** (sarcastically) Yeah, great, Sandra. Next!

**Squirtle:** Jerk!

**Caller 14:** Mr. Bulbasaur? This is John "Bradshaw" Layfield...

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander! Next call!

**Caller 14:** Hello? (feedback increases)

**Bulbasaur:** Caller, turn down your set!

**Caller 14:** Hello-o-o?

**Bulbasaur:** What's wrong with you people? Next caller, now!

**Caller 15:** The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream, scream for your lives!

**Squirtle:** (screams)

**Charmander:** (screams)

**Audience:** (all scream)

**Bulbasaur:** (screams)

**Sandra Bernhard:** Wow!

**Bulbasaur:** Everyone all right?

**Squirtle:** Yeah, I think so.

**Bulbasaur:** Sandra, years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, ple-e-ease, be kind!

**Salesman:** (appears on monitor) Oh, there we are... (zaps off again)

**Dynablade:** (appears on monitor) All hail Dynablade!

**Bulbasaur:** All right! That's it! I've had it! CHARMANDER! STOP THE TAPE!

**Dynablade:** Waaaahhh! You hurt Dynablade's feelings!

**Bulbasaur:** This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! GET OUT! GET OUT, ALL OF YOU! THE SHOW'S OVER! OUT WITH YOU!

**Audience:** (booing and grumbling)

**Squirtle:** Good luck getting an award for this one, Space Ghost!

**Bulbasaur:** I DON'T CARE! I DON'T NEED ANY AWARDS! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'm Bulbasaur, the rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9-to-5 nobodies! You're all cannon fodder, you hear? You're the guys in red shirts on "Star Trek". GET OUT!!!!!!! (sound of everyone leaving the studio) Well, I sure blew it. I'll never get any awards after this fiasco! Never never never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk! (pause) Why, it sure is creepy in here, with no one around. (pause) Hey! If I'm all alone here... then who's behind the camera?

**Bellossom:** Hello there... Bulby! (evil laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** (gasps)

(Credits roll)

**Squirtle: **She's alright

**Charmander: **She is alright!


	18. Fire Drill

: WAITING

**Donny Osmond:** One, two, three, four, five, testing...

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, do you think, uh, do you think we would have more business or less business if we released that "Pokemon Colosseum" game in the U.S? (pause)

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Bulbasaur:** Uh...

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Squirtle:** Less!

**Charmander:** More!

**Bulbasaur:** Gee, that's funny, 'cause I sent three copies here to E3 which everyone was impressed with and I never got "thank you" note one for...

**Squirtle:** See, less!

**Charmander:** That what you gonna do...

**Bulbasaur:** I sent this immense gargantuan video game to the U.S... y'know... y'know what I'm gonna do then... next year... next year...

**Donny Osmond:** (taps microphone impatiently)

**Bulbasaur:** Comfy, Donny?

**Donny Osmond:** Let's do it. Now, I should be looking at you like this, who is this strange person, or is this kinda normal stuff?

**Bulbasaur:** This is totally serious.

**Donny Osmond:** Okay, any other characters that may be talking?

**Squirtle:** Nope, just me. (blink blink)

**Donny Osmond:** Besides Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** What's wrong with my character?

**Donny Osmond:** Oh, there's the "Der"... what's his name?

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander.

**Donny Osmond:** Charmander.

**Charmander:** Yep, monogamy's where it's at in the 21st century.

**Bulbasaur: **She's a fire-type.

**Donny Osmond:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Is that so funny to you?

**Donny Osmond:** Sure!

**Bulbasaur:** (frowns) feh.

(Opening music & titles; Bulbasaur walks in)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings! I'm Bulbasaur. Joining me tonight, chart toppers Pierre Bouvier from Simple Plan and Donny Osmond. (At desk) My first guest is a most singular fellow. Please welcome Pierre Bouvier! (Monitor lowers with Pierre)

**Pierre Bouvier:** Thank you very much for having me.

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome! So is this the...

**Pierre Bouvier:** (image does a "fast forward") (starts laughing)

**Bulbasaur:** Pierre, are you having trouble with your powers? (Pierre laughs) I just saw that you were having trouble with your powers.

**Pierre Bouvier:** I'm... (image does a "fast forward" again) (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** We can talk about it after the show.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** (lowered voice) In a private room.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Uh... Oh my gosh... (super close-up of Bulbasaur's face) I... uh, no.

**Bulbasaur:** All these new-age punks with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their goddamn' moist music, it... oh, I'm only kidding! I didn't say you were one... Oh, there you go, now you took offense... So, is this the first talk show you've ever been on? (Pierre laughs) In outer space, of course.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Yes it is, I hope it is not the last.

**Bulbasaur:** What do you mean by "it"?

**Pierre Bouvier:** (pause; as Bulbasaur gets stuck by a lightning bolt) I... Can I come back to that, I...

**Bulbasaur:** (burned) Sure.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** So, what have you been doing?

**Pierre Bouvier:** I find myself...

**Squirtle:** (background) Living in a shotgun shed.

**Bulbasaur:** ... lately?

**Pierre Bouvier:** Lately, I've been traveling in a bus.

**Bulbasaur:** How lately?

**Pierre Bouvier:** (pause) Being a Pokemon, does that mean that, uh, that you have unlimited access to anything and everything?

**Bulbasaur:** After 2002.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Right.

**Pierre Bouvier:** I like that, uh, I hope the same thing happens to me?

**Bulbasaur:** What thing?

**Pierre Bouvier:** I would like to live in another dimension.

**Bulbasaur:** We would all like to do something, Pierre.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Yes, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** D'you know what I'd like to do, Pierre? I'd like...

**Squirtle:** (interrupts) Ah, ah, I'd, I'd like to have artho... artho...

**Bulbasaur:** Butt out.

**Squirtle:** Knee surgery.

**Pierre Bouvier:** That's good.

**Bulbasaur:** You, Pierre?

**Pierre Bouvier:** Yes, I would like to be cute and blonde.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh!

**Charmander:** (in control room) I'll take the ceramic poodle for 3000, the bumper pool table for 4200, uh, pocket calculator for 7.95, and, the rest on a gift certificate.

**Pierre Bouvier:** I can assume a horizontal position.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, huh! Heh heh heh...

**Pierre Bouvier:** (laughs) For many weeks! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Hee hee hee... wooo!

**Pierre Bouvier:** (hears heart beats; sees super close-up of Bulbasaur again, looks down)

**Bulbasaur:** What about croutons, Pierre? I love them on a light salad!

**Pierre Bouvier:** Not a crouton man, but I like to put them in a separate, separate dish.

**Bulbasaur:** Not a crouton man! (laughs)

**Pierre Bouvier:** You can have my croutons, and Bac-O's.

**Bulbasaur:** And how!

**Pierre Bouvier:** Maybe eat them later.

**Bulbasaur:** (voice is garbled) One, two, no, it's fine now. Hello, hello? Yep, now we're okay.

**Pierre Bouvier:** However, I find that in a salad they're used to inflate the size of the salad, much as if it were Styrofoam packing material.

**Bulbasaur:** Wow.

**Squirtle:** I need some packing material.

**Bulbasaur:** Why do you need some packing material?

**Squirtle:** To pack.

**Bulbasaur:** Pack what, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** Some things.

**Bulbasaur:** What kind of things?

**Squirtle:** Squirtle things.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, really?

**Pierre Bouvier:** (feeling left out) I myself am a creature from Ontario, and, uh...

**Squirtle:** Really.

**Bulbasaur:** Going somewhere?

**Squirtle:** Where?

**Pierre Bouvier:** From Ontario.

**Bulbasaur:** I said, going somewhere?

**Squirtle:** Oh, yeah.

**Pierre Bouvier:** I'm putting my insides on the outside...

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh?

**Pierre Bouvier:** That's what it's about.

**Squirtle:** Uh huh.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Thank you very much for having me.

**Bulbasaur:** So this place you're going, you'll need a lot of "things".

**Pierre Bouvier:** I will, again and again.

**Squirtle:** Oh yeah, a lot of things.

**Bulbasaur:** Like ten things or maybe twelve?

**Pierre Bouvier:** I believe it was Moses who brought the Ten Condiments.

**Squirtle:** Sure, sure, maybe everything.

**Bulbasaur:** Everything, huh?

**Pierre Bouvier:** I would like to go...

**Squirtle:** Y'know, just in case.

**Pierre Bouvier:** If you don't mind.

**Bulbasaur:** Y'know, I don't think you'll be going anywhere...

**Pierre Bouvier:** Mr., Mr. Bulbasaur...

**Bulbasaur:** (shouting) SINCE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE!!!

**Pierre Bouvier:** (looks on helplessly)

**Squirtle:** Ohhhhh, I think different.

**Bulbasaur:** (coyly) You forgot to pack something.

**Squirtle:** Huh? What?

**Bulbasaur:** (charges Solarbeam) This Solarbeam.

**Squirtle:** Uh, no thanks.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Oh, I think you need this Solarbeam. (shoots Solarbeam)

**Squirtle:** Eh... (BLAM!!!) (Squirtle is crisped)

**Bulbasaur:** Pierre, I forget... what do you like on your salad again?

**Pierre Bouvier:** (waving hands) Oh no, I still don't have an answer!

**Bulbasaur:** (impatient) Waiting...

**Pierre Bouvier:** Uh... Anything that makes my skin tingle.

**Bulbasaur:** Croutons are what make me tingly.

**Pierre Bouvier:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly.

**Pierre Bouvier:** I should hope so.

**Bulbasaur:** Before you go, is there anything you'd like to know about me?

**Pierre Bouvier:** Uh... (close-up of Bulbasaur again)

**Bulbasaur:** Anything at all?

**Pierre Bouvier:** Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** About me? (super close-up of Bulbasaur's mouth)

**Pierre Bouvier:** (close-up of his eyes)

**Bulbasaur:** Pierre, you're bringin' me down, man! Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** (still crisped) What?

**Bulbasaur:** You're bringin' me down, man! Charmander?

**Charmander:** Uh huh?

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Pssst, Charmander?

**Charmander:** Hi.

**Bulbasaur:** (normal voice) You're bringin' me down... (Charmander throws lever)

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Bulbasaur:** (low voice) We're in?

**Charmander:** Yep.

**Bulbasaur:** And you boys are rolling?

**Charmander:** Uh... yes.

**Bulbasaur:** And we're definitely in?

**Charmander:** Yes!

**Bulbasaur:** (normal voice) Okay. You're bringin' me down, man! (laughs) All righto! My next guest... (Power tools in background) (talks louder) My next guest is Donny Osmond! (intro music) Hi, Donny. Welcome to the show.

**Donny Osmond:** Thank you, thank you Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Tell us what's new with you.

**Donny Osmond:** No no no no, I'm not doin' that.

**Bulbasaur:** Why not?

**Donny Osmond:** Because I've seen your show before, and I've seen what you do to your guests when they start plugging, you cut to really dumb animes that no one would watch ever while they talk about what they're doing, so I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to release my ...

**(A 2-minute clip of "Yu-gi-Oh is shown)**

(Cut back to studio)

**Donny Osmond:** ... I'm not going to fall prey to your tricks here.

**Bulbasaur:** So Donny, is it true that... (construction noise gets louder) Ahem! So Donny, is it true that... Excuse me a second (runs off) (noise starts to die down)

**Donny Osmond:** How ya doin', Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** How do I do what?

**Donny Osmond:** Hmm... (sings) Squirtle, you're an idiot, I think you're so dumb...

**Squirtle:** ("sings") Donny Osmond, Donny Osmond, Donny Donny Donny... feh.

**Donny Osmond:** Oh, I didn't know Squirtle was a singer.

**Squirtle:** Squirtle is many things.

**Donny Osmond:** Amazing.

**Squirtle:** Do you have five dollars?

**Donny Osmond:** No, do you?

**Squirtle:** I'll ask the questions here!

**Donny Osmond:** Okay. (pause) Next question.

**Squirtle:** Eh, listen, I'm in LA soon, so I need to sleep on your couch.

**Donny Osmond:** Okay.

**Squirtle:** For a whole month.

**Donny Osmond:** (shakes his head) No.

**Squirtle:** Why not? You afraid of me? Don't want me in your house?

**Donny Osmond:** Uh huh.

**Squirtle:** Afraid I might kick your butt! Jerk!

**Donny Osmond:** Get my agent on the phone, quick!

**Bulbasaur:** (walks back in) They're building that new "Star Fox" game next door.

**Donny Osmond:** I'll kick his butt.

**Squirtle:** I'll kick your butt.

**Bulbasaur:** (laughing) Whoa, calm down, everybody!

**Donny Osmond:** I'll calm down now.

**Bulbasaur:** All right, sir, fair enough.

**Squirtle:** Donny Osmond... feh!

**Donny Osmond:** Okay, let's just do it.

**Bulbasaur:** One thing that's buggin' me. Who's your sister?

**Donny Osmond:** Marie.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah. If Marie's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock and roll... What's the rest of you?

**Donny Osmond:** I guess if I'm a little bit rock and roll, the rest of me is composed of mostly water.

**Bulbasaur:** Liquid water.

**Donny Osmond:** It's truth.

**Bulbasaur:** Made from scratch?

**Donny Osmond:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** All right. Being an Osmond, you must have many arch-enemies.

**Donny Osmond:** Enemies? Bulbasaur, I'm Donny Osmond, I don't have enemies! (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** How about that Bonaduce kid? I heard you two were in a big fight.

**Donny Osmond:** I punched him in the nose, and I won that fight.

**Bulbasaur:** (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh! Johnny Confident! Fwhoosh!"

**Donny Osmond:** But it was fixed.

**Bulbasaur:** So you didn't win the fight.

**Donny Osmond:** I won the fight.

**Bulbasaur:** Sure, Donny.

**Donny Osmond:** (louder) Set it up again, we'll have a rematch! I'll beat him!

**Bulbasaur:** Like you did before.

**Donny Osmond:** (shouting) 'Cause I won that fight!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, you won the fight, who cares?

**Donny Osmond:** (normal voice) I won the fight.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay!

**Donny Osmond:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Anything else?

**Donny Osmond:** How, how did you get this show? Did you, did you audition for this or something? (Bulbasaur frowns; charges Solarbeam) I'm kidding you, I'll be nice, I'll be kind.

**Bulbasaur:** So, besides those teeth, what superpowers do you have?

**Donny Osmond:** Um, everybody said I can sing well.

**Bulbasaur:** Do it.

**Donny Osmond:** (sings)

**Bulbasaur:** Do you like croutons?

**Donny Osmond:** Nuts?

**Bulbasaur:** Croutons!

**Donny Osmond:** No, no, no, grapes, they're better.

**Bulbasaur:** Better for idiots. (Donny shrugs) Does Marie eat grapes?

**Donny Osmond:** Why don't you get Marie on the show, let her...

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, why don't we get Marie on the show? Charmander, I want Marie. Call her agent.

**Charmander:** (sings) "How do you solve a problem like Marie-e?" Heh heh heh...

**Bulbasaur:** I don't watch that show.

**Charmander:** Okay.

**Donny Osmond:** Just have them call my agent, talk to my attorneys, we'll set something up.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm sure we can do this ourselves, Donny. This isn't our first barbecue.

**Donny Osmond:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, Donny, Donny, Donny, hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, Donny!

**Donny Osmond:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** (quieter) Where do we go when we die?

(Alarm bell starts ringing)

**Bulbasaur & Squirtle:** Fire Drill!

(Credits roll, alarm bell continues to ring)

**Bulbasaur:** (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh!"

Hello again! storyteller51 here, to remind you that I'm open to suggestions. Anything at all! Read, review and request!


	19. Good Friday

Ladies and Gentlemen: For the first time in Fanfiction history, a fanfic celebrating Good Friday! Enjoy…

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

(Opening theme & titles)

**Mihoshi:** Greetings, this is Mihoshi, welcoming you to the first ever Pokemon Coast to Coast Good Friday celebration spectacular-mathon. Tonight, fellow Pokemon host Mewtwo, and funny woman Yuffie Kisaragi. And now, your friend and mine, that host with the most, Bulbaaaasaurrrr!

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in, coughing) Greetings, TV-watching citizens! I am Bulbasaur, and I'm tickled pink to be here!

**Squirtle:** Tickled stupid, you mean.

**Bulbasaur:** (stares at Squirtle, sniffs) Before we begin, let me introduce you to the director of tonight's festivities, that fabulous lizard girl herself, Charmander!

**Audience:** (applause)

**Charmander:** Hey, don't get up, really.

**Bulbasaur:** And, over here, we have my band leader, and my other co-worker, Squirtle, and the Original Way Outs! (Way Outs play a synthesized excerpt from "William Tell Overture") And we'd like to welcome you to... (takes deep breath) The first ever Pokemon Good Friday spectacular-mathon, uh, show.

**Squirtle:** Whoop de doodle do!

**Bulbasaur:** You know, kids, tonight is a special notch in the belt that is the Pokemon saga.

**Squirtle:** Ehhh, Bulbasaur, what are we celebrating, anyway?

**Bulbasaur:** Weren't you listening, Squirtle? It's our Good Friday celebration! (smile sparkles)

**Squirtle:** I never heard of anybody celebrating Good Friday before! It's dopey.

**Bulbasaur:** It's not dopey! It's Good Friday! That's a holiday, right? Darn tootin' it is! So, hap-hap-happy Good Friday it is, and shut up Squirtle, because you're not gonna rain on my charade.

**Mihoshi:** Well, I don't know what I'm doing here, either.

**Squirtle:** (looks around)

**Bulbasaur:** (looks around)

**Mihoshi:** (in recording booth, behind a window) They called me twenty minutes ago, shoved these notes in my hand, what do they expect? (Microphone feedback increases in volume) Bunch of morons!

**Charmander:** Uh, Mihoshi?

**Mihoshi:** Let 'em fire me, I don't care.

**Charmander:** Mihoshi?

**Mihoshi:** What?

**Charmander:** Uh, your mike's on, man.

**Mihoshi:** Ohhhhh, fluff! Nobody showed me how to do this! (Feedback increases again; Mihoshi finally turns microphone off)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh-kay! Let's get on with it, shall we? (Walks to desk, with new music) (Ding dong!) Say, I wonder who that could be?

**Charmander:** It's your first anniversary guest, Bulbasaur, funny lady Yuffie Kisaragi (she appears on control room monitor with an accordion)

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** I'm ready, honey!

**Bulbasaur:** Yuffie! Welcome back to the show!

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Oh-h-h-h-h-h! Bulbasaur! I'm so excited!

**Bulbasaur:** Me too!

**Squirtle:** Oooh! Me too!

**Bulbasaur:** So, Yuffie, what have you been doing since I last saw you?

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Oh! Bulbasaur, as you know, I rule the western hemisphere!

**Bulbasaur:** That's nice, must keep you busy.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (plays accordion and sings) I rule, I rule, I rule.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, Yuffie...

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Yeah!?

**Bulbasaur:** Stuff a sock in it, Kisaragi. (Yuffie dances with the accordion, to weird background sound) Yuffie, I've asked you to come back to celebrate Good Friday with me! Now, celebrate!

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** Ohhh...

**Bulbasaur:** Don't sing, Yuffie.

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (plays accordion and sings) Happy Good Friday, happy Good Friday, happy Good Friday, Bulbasaur! Oh-h-h-h-h-h! (Spins around; Bulbasaur grimaces) Look at this! (Swings her accordion up with her chest, then sits down)

**Squirtle:** Must I?

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** I can make myself invisible. You cannot see me now! (Puts her hands in front of her face)

**Bulbasaur:** Uh, yes I can.

**Yuffie Kisaragi: **No-o-o-o-o! You cannot...

**Bulbasaur:** Yes I can! (Aims his Solarbeam at monitor)

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** No! His beams cannot harm me, no-o-o! (Bulbasaur stops charging, sighs; Yuffie shaking her head back and forth, singing) Hair dance, hair dance, don't be a square, dance! Hair dance! (Bulbasaur stares back silently. Yuffie's full face is now on monitor, puckering for Bulbasaur) (Smoooooch!)

**Bulbasaur:** Hmmm. Okay, I think it's time for Judy Jetson here to blast off.

**Charmander:** Gotcha. (Throws lever to send her away)

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (still on studio monitor) Oh, you pig!

**Bulbasaur:** Aaah! Charmander!

**Charmander:** I know, I know. (She throws more levers, control room monitor changes several times, finally shows Mihoshi's booth)

**Mihoshi:** Uh, excuse me. Are we going to commercial now?

**Bulbasaur:** No!

**Mihoshi:** Oh, sorry, don't mind me. (Charmander throws lever, control room monitor shows static)

**Bulbasaur:** (Ding dong!) Aha! Our next guest! (sniff sniff sniff sniff) Hey! I smell evil!

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur...

**Bellossom:** (evil laugh)

**Charmander:** ... It's your evil ex-girlfriend.

**Bulbasaur:** Aaaaah! Can't talk, Belle, I have a hernia!

**Bellossom:** Hey hey, relax, baby, like, I'm not here to spread terror.

**Squirtle:** Rats!

**Bellossom:** I just wanted to swing by and check out the old Poke Pad. You know, I had a real blast the last time I saw you, Bulby. A real blast. (Evil laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I bet you did. You and that creepy Palmer Mills, pawing each other. Yuck!

**Bellossom:** Oh, forget that stud, Bulby Bear, I already did. I'm looking for some new action, you dig? Some new kicks, know what I mean, butterbean?

**Bulbasaur:** Not a whiff, Belle.

**Bellossom:** Then let me clue ya, Bulby. I want to be on the show again. (Evil laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh no, no no no no no!

**Bellossom:** Okay Bulby, be that way. Now I'm glad I left that surprise for you in your Pokeball this morning. (Evil laugh) B'da b'da! (Evil laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, that was you, huh?

**Bellossom:** Well, I'll be in touch. Later, boys! (Blows kiss)

**Charmander & Squirtle:** (in unison) Bye, Belle!

**Squirtle:** I like your brother.

**Bulbasaur:** She's not my girlfriend!

**Yuffie Kisaragi:** (reappears on monitor) Look at my cheekbones!

**Bulbasaur:** Aaaaah! Charmander, break!

**Mihoshi:** (groans) Ten pounds of sausage in a five pound sack!

**Charmander:** Mihoshi!

**Mihoshi:** Oh, uh, coming up next, more stuff!

INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION

RESUME TRANSMISSION

**Mihoshi:** (sings) Welcome back! (Normal voice) Oooh! Hey! I nailed that one!

**Bulbasaur:** (Ding dong!) What now, Fox?

**Charmander:** Relax, man, it's Mewtwo. He's cool. (Mewtwo is on control room monitor, gives salute to Charmander)

**Bulbasaur:** Ladies and gentlemen, it's special Good Friday guest Mewtwo.

**Mewtwo:** I tell ya, it's really been great, to be here, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** It's great to have you. Do you know this is the only Good Friday special this year, Mewtwo?

**Mewtwo:** Indeed. You should slap yourself on the back.

**Squirtle:** He should slap himself in the face. (Bulbasaur does; Mewtwo laughs, then starts to laugh evilly)

**Bulbasaur:** So, Mewtwo, did ya bring me anything special for Good Friday?

**Mewtwo:** Oh, I brought you many things. (Pause; Bulbasaur smiles at camera) I'm lying', man, what can I get ya, you don't even wear slacks or trousers or pants, or anything, you know...

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, that's okay, just as long as you don't sing me a stupid song or anything. (Mewtwo starts making gibbering noises, shaking his head back and forth)

**Charmander:** Look out, I think he's gonna sing!

**Bulbasaur:** He's not gonna sing, Charmander. You're... not gonna sing, are you, Mewtwo?

**Mewtwo:** Yes I am.

**Bulbasaur:** Ohhh brother.

**Squirtle:** Sing! Sing, you fool! Sing like a maniac! 

**Mewtwo:** Okay. (takes a deep breath, then shouts) POKEMON COAST TO COAST, POKEMON COAST TO COAST, POKEMON COAST TO COAST, GET SOME PANTS, AGH AGH AGH AGH AGH! (Bulbasaur sighs) Could you buy the sincerity of that? Yeah, I, it really worked for me.

**Squirtle:** Hmmmm, it had a good beat, and I could beat you to it. I give it a 75. (Holding a sign with "75")

**Mewtwo:** I'm tellin' ya, I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna dope-slap that pest.

**Charmander:** Fine! Fine!

**Bulbasaur:** Be my guest, Mewtwo! Dope-slap away!

**Mewtwo:** Squirtle, I'm gonna dope-slap ya!

**Squirtle:** (mocking) O-o-o-o-h, I'm so frightened!

**Mewtwo:** (Glares at Squirtle; then at Bulbasaur) How did you get a show with an amphibian?

**Squirtle:** I'm a tur-, er, Water-type!

**Mewtwo:** Apparently, in, somewhere in show business, you shoulda went paper instead of scissors.

**Squirtle:** Yeah, look who's talking, the talk show arsonist!

**Mewtwo:** I'm serious, I will, I will clean that turtle's clock so fast!

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle!

**Mewtwo:** You just tell him that, I, I, I personally put two of the Bugaloos in the hospital.

**Bulbasaur:** I think he heard you. (Mewtwo gives an exaggerated wink) Um, look, man, I apologize about Squirtle.

**Mewtwo:** Alright. 

**Bulbasaur:** I try to make him behave, but...

**Mewtwo:** (looks to his right) Hey Lugia! Is that enough community service for ya? (Looks front and nods)

**Bulbasaur:** (sighs) Any last words of wisdom for the little people at home?

**Mewtwo:** Yeah. (Pounds fist into his palm) You gotta make your own fun, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Great.

**Mewtwo:** You gotta make your own fun.

**Bulbasaur:** I tried to make my own fun, look what it got me! Happy Good Friday to me! Whoop de doo. Charmander, are we done?

**Charmander:** Uh, we still got that cheap clip thing.

**Bulbasaur:** That's right! This should be great, folks. It's a sparkling career retrospective to me! Bulbasaur! Roll 'em!

**Charmander:** (throws lever, countdown begins)

(Title screen shows: "OUR MAN BULBASAUR/ THE DIRECTOR'S CUT", followed by numerous "Pokemon" cartoon clips of him getting blasted, pounded, frozen, slammed, by numerous enemies)

**Charmander & Squirtle: **(Laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** That was no sparkling tribute! That was terrible! That was... yuck! What in the name of Vic Tayback was that?

**Charmander:** A montage.

**Bulbasaur:** (French voice) Montage! French, hah? Well, that explains that, no, Charmander? (Normal voice) Those French, they ruin everything! I mean, you give them an entire Disneyland, and they can't even make a dime off it. Even Team Rocket couldn't screw up a Disneyland! Hmmm! I tell ya, one day I oughta do somethin' about them French.

**Squirtle:** (French voice) I dare you! I double dare you!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, I will! See if I don't! (Runs off)

(Cut to Fearow flying)

**Bulbasaur:** (on Fearow) Ruin my anniversary, will ya?

(Night scene of Paris, Eiffel Tower in center)

**Voice:** (with French accent) Look out! It is zee Bulbasaur! (Solarbeam blasts city)

**Bulbasaur:** Take that, you cheese eaters!

(Blasts city again, crisps Eiffel tower; blast city around Arc de Triomphe, city is in flames, people are screaming)

**Squirtle:** (French voice) Well, zat ees zat! Au reservoir, mon-sewers!

**Charmander:** Bon soir! (Throws lever, clip of Bulbasaur being slammed into the ground reappears on monitor; title: Fin)

(Credits roll; with French accordion music in background)

**Mihoshi:** (in French voice) You've been watching the Pokemon Coast to Coast Good Friday Spectacular-mathon, celebrating Christianity whatchamacallit. From all of us here, to all of you, bon oui, what you say, a good night.

**Mewtwo:** (evil laugh)

Next Week on Pokemon Coast to Coast:

**The Origin of Raymond**


	20. Gum Disease

: START FEED

**Charmander:** (Sneezes; every time Charmander sneezes, she shoots fire)

**Squirtle:** Sixteen.

**Charmander:** (sneezes)

**Squirtle:** Seventeen.

**Charmander:** My nose is stopped up.

**Squirtle:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) Walk in... (Walks out) Walk out... (Walks in) Walk in... There, seems okay now.

**Charmander:** (sneezes, flames Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Ahhh! Crimony! What's the ruckus, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** What ruckus? (Charmander sneezes again, flames Bulbasaur again)

**Bulbasaur:** (crisped) That ruckus.

**Squirtle:** Oh. Charmander's sick. (Charmander sneezes again)

**Bulbasaur:** Bless you, Charmander.

(Opening theme music & titles; part way through, Charmander sneezes again, and music & credits start fast-forwarding & rewinding, and playing at various speeds. Bulbasaur walks in)

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) (aside) That was odd. (aloud) Greetings! I am Bulbasaur. (smiles, light glints off his teeth) My guests tonight are recording artist and former "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Digimon" member Matt Is-, Is-, Islada.

**Squirtle:** Hida! (Charmander sneezes)

**Bulbasaur:** Gesundheit!

**Charmander:** (snort) Thanks. (Squirtle plays Bulbasaur to his desk)

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, that... (final drum beat) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself.

**Squirtle:** I... don't know. Don't look at me!

**Bulbasaur:** I am looking at you.

**Squirtle:** Well, don't. (Squirtle & Bulbasaur stare at each other; Squirtle blinks)

**Bulbasaur:** (Ding!) Hah! I win, Squirtle!

**Squirtle:** Grrrr...

**Bulbasaur:** Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Squirtle, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (Monitor lowers, but bounces repeatedly) Charmander! Bad director!

**Charmander:** I can't control it.

**Bulbasaur:** Have to use Vine Whip. (Fires his vines at monitor, it finally stops bouncing) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (Someone drops a microphone, feedback ensues; Charmander coughs in background) (pause) Branford!

**Branford Marsalis:** Hey, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey right back at you, Branford. So how was the "Tonight Show"?

**Branford Marsalis:** It's was pretty good, sir.

**Bulbasaur:** That's terrific. Mazel tov!

**Branford Marsalis:** Thank you very much, Mr. Saur.

**Bulbasaur:** I see you're chewing gum.

**Squirtle:** Gum?

**Charmander:** Gum?

**Squirtle:** Gum!

**Bulbasaur:** Did you bring enough for everyone?

**Branford Marsalis:** No, but I'll have some shortly.

**Squirtle:** No gum?

**Bulbasaur:** So, did you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader?

**Branford Marsalis:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Was it fun? Did you enjoy working with Jay Leno?

**Branford Marsalis:** Yes, yes.

**Bulbasaur:** In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff.

**Branford Marsalis:** Absolutely, absolutely.

**Bulbasaur:** So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader?

**Branford Marsalis:** I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong.

**Bulbasaur:** (sound of gavel falling) Guilty! (crowd murmuring in background) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe?

**Branford Marsalis:** He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (Laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** This concerns me. So, what is he like, then?

**Branford Marsalis:** He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you.

**Bulbasaur:** Hardly! I keep Pokemon safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (smiles, light glints off his teeth again)

**Branford Marsalis:** Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (glare from Bulbasaur's teeth starts overloading the cameras)

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur! Shut your big mouth!

**Charmander:** Aaaah!

(Quick! Turn off your monitor for 15 seconds!)

**Announcer:** (voiceover) We now join Pokemon Coast to Coast, already in progress.

**Bulbasaur:** ... something crawling on the table... (Looks up) Who was that?

**Charmander:** (sniffle) Some lady.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) Alrighty. (normal voice) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it!

**Squirtle:** Yeah, give us some gum!

**Branford Marsalis:** Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album; it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh.

**Branford Marsalis:** There's a lot of strange mixes on there...

**Bulbasaur:** Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning?

**Branford Marsalis:** No, I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelet. (Groans and grumbling voices in background)

**Charmander:** Oh, no, stop, don't!

**Bulbasaur:** Some milk I left out in the sun for a week...

**Charmander:** (sounding nauseous)

**Branford Marsalis:** Oh, come on, don't do that, man!

**Bulbasaur:** And some fuzzy bread.

**Charmander:** I'm gonna be sick! ("hurling" sounds)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander! Damage report!

**Charmander:** I just hurled!

**Branford Marsalis:** Oh, man!

**Squirtle:** Gross.

**Bulbasaur:** I... think it's time to take a break. Charmander! Not in the control room!

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Bulbasaur:** (playing "Sonic Heroes" on monitor; exits game) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford.

**Branford Marsalis:** Kick it.

**Bulbasaur:** Branford, I wonder, did Doc Severinson ever showed up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section?

**Branford Marsalis:** Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started...

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) That Doc! You've gotta love him.

**Branford Marsalis:** Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy.

**Squirtle:** (in "rapper" outfit, with "scratch" noises) Mrrrrr, stick 'em!

**Bulbasaur:** (stares at Squirtle) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Squirtle?

**Branford Marsalis:** Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** What's so funny?

**Branford Marsalis:** Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Saur?

**Squirtle:** He was asking you, where's Squirtle's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours!

**Branford Marsalis:** Squirtle, never eat anything larger than your head. (to Bulbasaur) How's that?

**Bulbasaur:** Not so good.

**Branford Marsalis:** (surprised) What do you mean?

**Bulbasaur:** Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford?

**Branford Marsalis:** Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit?

**Squirtle:** I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine Chianti. 

**Bulbasaur:** Er, right, right. (pause) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat?

**Branford Marsalis:** Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies.

**Squirtle:** Make with the scatting! 

**Branford Marsalis:** A one, a two, a one two three... (scats for 4 bars) (to Bulbasaur) Go!

**Bulbasaur:** (scats for 4 bars)

**Squirtle:** (scats for 4 bars) Take it, Charmander!

**Charmander:** (tries to scat for a couple bars) Take it, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** (scats again; Charmander sneezes, and Branford's image is replaced by Matt Ishida from **Digimon**)

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur... (Bulbasaur keeps scatting) Bulbasaur!

**Bulbasaur:** (stops) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Ishida kid!

**Charmander:** (sniffle) We lost Branford.

**Squirtle:** And the gum? (pause, then screams)

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, everyone remain calm.

**Matt Ishida:** Hello?

**Squirtle:** (finishes screaming) (to Charmander) You idiot!

**Charmander:** Sorry.

**Squirtle:** Shut up!

**Matt Ishida:** Hello?

**Bulbasaur:** Hello, citizen Matt!

**Squirtle:** (in background) Shut up!

**Charmander:** (in background) Sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** So, what have you been up to lately?

**Matt Ishida:** Hi, Bulbasaur. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have been on with some of the biggest talk show hosts in the world...

**Squirtle:** (to Charmander) What?

**Matt Ishida:** ... and this is an honor for me.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

**Matt Ishida:** Just kidding! Ha!

**Bulbasaur:** Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me?

**Matt Ishida:** Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny...

**Bulbasaur:** I'm serious, Matt. Thank me.

**Matt Ishida:** That makes me nervous.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm waiting...

**Matt Ishida:** Thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Matt Ishida:** Thank you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** That's more like it. So, Matt, what super-power helped you battle the anime child star syndrome?

**Matt Ishida:** I used the power of invisibility.

**Bulbasaur:** I have that.

**Matt Ishida:** Oh, no kidding!

**Bulbasaur:** Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims?

**Squirtle:** (to Charmander) Shut up!

**Matt Ishida:** No, because I have met other anime child stars, and I've got to say that it's my personal opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve.

**Squirtle:** Like Todd?

**Bulbasaur:** Who?

**Squirtle & Charmander:** (laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Matt, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Digi-destined?

**Matt Ishida:** I've got about two hundred bucks and a lunchbox.

**Bulbasaur:** That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked!

**Matt Ishida:** Tai and Kari, Mimi, Sora, that's where all the money went.

**Bulbasaur:** It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood. 

**Matt Ishida:** Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.

**Squirtle:** [No talent and no personality will get you a talk show]

**Bulbasaur:** [Uhhhh...] Matt, what was your favorite thing about 2000?

**Matt Ishida:** The beginning of 2001.

**Squirtle:** (in "punk" outfit) Whip it, whip it good!

**Bulbasaur:** [Uhhhh...] Matt, what is your favorite song to perform live?

**Matt Ishida:** We actually have a couple. "867-5309/Jenny" is one of our favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool. (Starts singing it)

**Bulbasaur:** Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over!

**Old Lady:** (phone rings, she answers) Hello? Hello? Hello!

**Charmander:** (laughs, then coughs)

**Bulbasaur:** I understand you're in music now. Plug your band!

**Matt Ishida:** Um, let's see, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** Wait for it... Go!

**Matt Ishida:** My band's name is -- (screen zaps, replaced by a scene from **Chance Pop Session**)

**Bulbasaur:** Now what?

**Squirtle:** Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) So, we lost Matt. That's okay. (screen zaps back to Matt)

**Matt Ishida:** Hello?

**Bulbasaur:** Oh. You.

**Matt Ishida:** (laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Say, Matt the Matt?

**Matt Ishida:** Yes sir, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** What did you want to become when you were a kid?

**Matt Ishida:** When I was 6, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman...

**Squirtle:** [Lousy screw!]

**Matt Ishida:** ... and, uh, to punch out Tori Avalon, or really any member of the Avalon family.

**Squirtle:** When I was a baby, I wanted to be the all-powerful Pokemon League Champion! (Crown appears on his head)

**Charmander:** Me too! (Crown appears on her head also)

**Squirtle:** And, to have some gum.

**Bulbasaur:** Do you know what gum is?

**Squirtle:** Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some!

**Matt Ishida:** Have you ever met Tori Avalon, Bulbasaur?

**Bulbasaur:** I'd... (crown appears on his head) I'd rather not talk about it. (crown disappears)

**Matt Ishida:** Got it!

**Bulbasaur:** Matt, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Charmander!

**Charmander:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!"

**Matt Ishida:** Ah.

**Bulbasaur:** Louder, please.

**Matt Ishida:** AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (glass breaks all over the studio, alarms go off)

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, everyone remain calm.

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur! (gets pulled out of his seat, flies across room) Wheeeee!!

**Matt Ishida:** You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.

(Credits roll)


	21. Self Help

: WAITING

**Mewtwo:** (in control room) Hi, I'm Mewtwo. I'm the director for today.

**Joyce Brothers:** Uh huh.

**Mewtwo:** And I have an addiction to... fire.

**Joyce Brothers:** Playing with fire can really be harmful to you, to me, to your studio, to everything that you hold dear.

**Mewtwo:** Hmmmm, give us a kiss.

**Joyce Brothers:** All right. (Closes her eyes)

**Mewtwo:** (leans forward, hits the screen, breaking it)

**Joyce Brothers:** (laughs)

**Mewtwo:** Huh?

(Opening theme music & titles)

**Bulbasaur:** (walks in) ¡Hola! I am Bulbasaur. On this show I've gathered a panel of therapists to help Squirtle. (Lowers voice) He's evil.

**Squirtle:** I am not!

**Bulbasaur:** Yes you are!

**Squirtle:** I am not!

**Bulbasaur:** Yes you are!

**Squirtle:** (pause) Yes, I am! (evil laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** See? (Way Outs play as Bulbasaur walks to his desk) ¡Hola! (laughs) Alrighty! My first guest is Dr. Joyce Brothers. You may have seen her on such shows as "Merv Griffin", "Mike Douglas", "Parker Lewis Can't Lose", "Tic Tac Dough", "Mr. Belvidere", "The X-Men", "The X-Files", "ALF", "The Tonight Show", and "True Stories of the Highway Patrol".

**Squirtle:** (sighs) Page two. "Bay Watch", "The $5 Pyramid", "The $20 Pyramid", "The $100 Pyramid",...

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome her! (screen lowers)

**Squirtle:** ... "Joker's Wild", "Weekend at Bernie's", "The Four Hundred Blows",...

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers.

**Joyce Brothers:** Well, I...

**Squirtle:** ... "Flubber", "Clockwork Orange", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "The Man from Snowy River"...

**Joyce Brothers:** That's wild! (Laughs)

**Squirtle:** Why are you here? (continues to talk in background)

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, why are you here?

**Joyce Brothers:** Because people need so much help.

**Bulbasaur:** Correct! So, what's new, Dr. Brothers?

**Joyce Brothers:** Everything. Uh, I have a new book, called "Positive Plus, The Practical Plan for Liking Yourself Better", and I know, Bulbasaur, there's no way you could like yourself better than you do.

**Bulbasaur:** Not even for money. Hey, isn't Squirtle handsome and nice?

**Joyce Brothers:** No he's not.

**Squirtle:** Yeah! No I'm not!

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) Dr. Brothers, can you work with me here?

**Joyce Brothers:** Okay!

**Squirtle:** Paul Harvey...

**Bulbasaur:** I'm trying to mend his evil ways.

**Squirtle:** ... Paul Harvey... Paul Harvey!

**Bulbasaur:** What about him?

**Squirtle:** Eh, he's good, don't you think?

**Bulbasaur:** Do you have any aspirin, doc?

**Joyce Brothers:** I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

**Squirtle:** Hello America, page two, and that man was Walt Disney, and that's the rest of, the story. (keeps talking in background)

**Bulbasaur:** (in low voice) I said, I'm rehabilitating Squirtle, he's really quite evil. Can you help me?

**Joyce Brothers:** If he's an evil amphibian, then he's only evil every seven years, so, just enjoy him between the seven years.

**Squirtle:** I'm a turtle!

**Bulbasaur:** He's right.

**Squirtle:** We're mean all the time!

**Bulbasaur:** Can you shut him up?

**Joyce Brothers:** No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what I'm trying to do with you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Me? I'm fine! He's got the problem!

**Joyce Brothers:** Well, I'm not so sure you're okay, but the idea...

**Bulbasaur:** Of course I'm okay, I'm Bulbasaur!

**Joyce Brothers:** The idea is that people validate one another,...

**Bulbasaur:** Psychobabble. (Joyce stops talking) Look, lady, I called you in to help Squirtle, not me! You think I have the problem?

**Joyce Brothers:** Well, that is a great possibility.

**Bulbasaur:** (pause) How long have you hated men?

**Mewtwo:** (in control room) Rich... Rich!

**Rich Hall:** Yeah.

**Mewtwo:** You're up in two minutes.

**Rich Hall:** Mmm hmm.

**Mewtwo:** Time enough for a kiss!

**Joyce Brothers:** (in studio) And, your cape makes it really very difficult for people to divine your motivation.

**Bulbasaur:** (crassly) Do tell!

**Joyce Brothers:** Your motivation, for all we know, may not be as open as your publicity allows us to think.

**Bulbasaur:** You get paid for this?

**Joyce Brothers:** Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an ink blot?

**Bulbasaur:** Once, in Dothan, Alabama.

**Joyce Brothers:** I think they're fun to watch...

**Squirtle:** Excuse me...

**Joyce Brothers:** ...but I don't think they're psychic at all. I think some people...

**Squirtle:** Excuse me...

**Joyce Brothers:** ...are willing to look at all the information...

**Squirtle:** Excuse me... over here...

**Bulbasaur:** What!

**Squirtle:** Eh, where's Dothan?

**Bulbasaur:** On the way to Panama City!

**Squirtle:** Oh. Okay, thanks.

**Bulbasaur:** I'm sorry, so what about these ink stains you were blathering about?

**Joyce Brothers:** Well, you know, you project all your emotions onto that ink blot...

**Squirtle:** Excuse me...

**Joyce Brothers:** ...then therapist could read...

**Squirtle:** Um, excuse me...

**Joyce Brothers:** ...how you really feel.

**Bulbasaur:** (to Squirtle) What!

**Squirtle:** Is that in Florida?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes!

**Squirtle:** The panhandle?

**Bulbasaur:** Yes!

**Squirtle:** Okay, thanks.

**Joyce Brothers:** You know, we really are trained in every culture to look at people...

**Squirtle:** Uh, Bulbasaur...

**Bulbasaur:** WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Squirtle:** Paul Harvey.

**Bulbasaur:** (Grrrrr)

**Joyce Brothers:** So if you ask a little child who hasn't had...

**Bulbasaur:** You're... not gonna charge me for this, are you?

**Joyce Brothers:** Well, umm, actually, it would, I would send you a double bill because you have a split personality.

**Bulbasaur:** Ohhhh! So now I'm a schizo?

**Joyce Brothers:** (pause) It's very possible, um, you would know better than anyone else.

**Bulbasaur:** (chuckles) That's preposterous. I am not, nor have I ever been, a schizophrenic. (British voice) That's not true. (Regular voice) You be quiet. (British voice) Who's the lady? (Regular voice) Shut up! (British voice) Aren't you gonna introduce me?

**Joyce Brothers:** (laughs)

**Squirtle:** Mewtwo! Call the police!

**Bulbasaur:** I heard that! (British voice) No, you didn't!

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Alrighty! We're back! (pause) Hey Squirtle, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut!

**Squirtle:** I thought she was incredibly informative and had many insightful observations about your behavior.

**Bulbasaur:** What!? Oh, I see. You think I'm crazy, don't you?

**Squirtle:** Er...

**Bulbasaur:** Go ahead Squirtle, say it.

**Squirtle:** Well, um, heh...

**Bulbasaur:** Say it!

**Squirtle:** Mewtwo?

**Mewtwo:** (in control room) You're up, Rich.

**Rich Hall:** Okay.

**Mewtwo:** Last chance for a kiss.

**Rich Hall:** That's enough, really, let's, uh, let's, let's draw the line there.

**Mewtwo:** Your loss.

**Rich Hall:** Thank you. (Mewtwo pulls the lever, sending Rich to the studio)

**Bulbasaur:** (at desk) Say it!

**Rich Hall:** Hiya Bulb, how's it goin'?

**Bulbasaur:** (in Clint Eastwood voice) Buckle up for safety.

**Rich Hall:** Alright.

**Bulbasaur:** Tell us about your book.

**Rich Hall:** Uh, it's a hundred and twenty eight pages of, uh, of all the major dysfunctions on our planet...

**Bulbasaur:** Say it!

**Squirtle:** Eh...

**Rich Hall:** ... uh, I'm trying to kinda, you know, put the fun back into dysfunction.

**Squirtle:** (pause) Heh heh.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, I get it! Fun into dysfunction!

**Rich Hall:** A sense of humor's very important, Bulbasaur, and I can see that you're desperately trying to develop one, and that's good.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, thanks!

**Rich Hall:** And, and you look very, very stylish in your cape, by the way.

**Bulbasaur:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Rich Hall:** Oh, no, I'm sorry; I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. No, really, I mean, I'm just saying' that from uh, one guy to another, you know.

**Bulbasaur:** No, I don't know.

**Rich Hall:** Well, Bulbasaur, you have to become a little more comfortable with your sexuality, and a little more confident in it, you know. I'm just giving you a compliment, it's not like I'm comin' on to you or anything, you know. I mean, you're a hero, I think you need some heroism confidence, in your, uh, sexuality.

**Bulbasaur:** (crassly) Oh, really, anything else?

**Rich Hall:** You need to, uh, you need to watch some more TV.

**Bulbasaur:** More TV, you don't say? Any certain way I should watch TV?

**Rich Hall:** Oh, Bulbasaur, ah...

**Bulbasaur:** Would you like to wear the cape, Rich?

**Rich Hall:** Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** (Long pause) Rich.

**Rich Hall:** Yeah?

**Bulbasaur:** Do a sniglet.

**Rich Hall:** No, I don't do sniglets anymore, uh, they're dead. Put 'em in the garage.

**Bulbasaur:** Make up a sniglet for Squirtle.

**Rich Hall:** (annoyed) I'm gonna let you enjoy your little self referential moment of mirth there, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** How about, Turtle Do Gooder. Is that a swell sniglet or what, Rich?

**Rich Hall:** (more annoyed) Are there prizes for these questions?

**Bulbasaur:** This isn't a game show, Mr. Hall

**Rich Hall:** I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** That's better.

**Squirtle:** Bite me! (pause) Oh, I'm sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you. Rich, tell us about your super powers.

**Rich Hall:** Uh, I have none, and I'm totally defenseless at this point to whatever, uh, assault Earth decides to commit against me, uh, I'm just a victim.

**Bulbasaur:** A victim of your own self pity.

**Rich Hall:** No, I just feel like, uh, I know my place on the planet and it's, it's very tiny, I think that...

**Bulbasaur:** That's sad.

**Rich Hall:** (tsk) Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** Do a sniglet.

**Rich Hall:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay. Why won't women talk to me?

**Rich Hall:** Well, the first thing that you need to do, is, uh, go all out and lie.

**Bulbasaur:** Lie?

**Rich Hall:** Use your imagination; just tell women what they want to hear, you know, you can always cover your tracks later.

**Bulbasaur:** But Rich, I always tell the truth.

**Rich Hall:** That's not what women want to hear. They wanna hear you drummed for Good Charlotte. Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** That's not a sniglet, Hall.

**Rich Hall:** Um...

**Bulbasaur:** Go get me some breakfast!

**Rich Hall:** I'm sorry?

**Bulbasaur:** (zaps Rich off screen) Now, let's see, what's next? (looking at his leg) Hey, look at my leg! (covering & uncovering his face) Open, close, open, close, open...

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Huh?

**Squirtle:** You have another guest.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle... I don't feel well, you do it.

**Squirtle:** Me? Honest?

**Bulbasaur:** Open, close, open...

(Cut to control room. Mimi Tachiwaka from **Digimon** is on the monitor)

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** (in control room) Pyro-, Pyromaniacs?

**Mewtwo:** Yeah!

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** They're hot.

**Mewtwo:** Would you kiss one?

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Oh yeah, (smooch smooch) can I give you a kiss? (puckers)

**Mewtwo:** (blissfully) Oooooh!!!

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Bye bye. (Waves) Say bye bye!

**Mewtwo:** Bye bye. (throws lever) I love you.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** (Now in studio monitor; she laughs) Whoooooo! Alright!

**Squirtle:** Umm... er... uh... you are a human.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Yeah.

**Squirtle:** You are a female human.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Yeah.

**Squirtle:** You are a pretty female human.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Mm Hmmm.

**Squirtle:** Mm Hmmm, pretty pretty female human.

**Bulbasaur:** Mimi, I'm the drummer for Good Charlotte!

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Well, I just wrote a song.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, I drum for a band.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Well, I just wrote a song.

**Bulbasaur:** Well I can speak French really loud! Je parle français très fort, no?

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Oui?

**Bulbasaur:** Je peux ouvrir une boite d'épinards avec les muscles de mon derrière! (Laughs) (subdued) I used to be so pretty... in Paris. (French cafe music; inset picture of Bulbasaur in a dress)

**Squirtle:** So, what do you think of me, human?

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive...

**Bulbasaur:** (starts singing "Frère Jacques" in background)

**Squirtle:** You do not know me, human! I am evil, therefore I am lonely. I'm just a lonely... drummer for Good Charlotte.

**Mimi Tachiwaka:** Alright!

**Mewtwo:** That's a lie!

**Squirtle:** Shut up, Mewtwo!

**Mewtwo:** The female human is mine!

**Squirtle:** What!

**Mewtwo:** I see what you're doing! Putting the lonely routine on to get the girl. You're lying!

**Squirtle:** Turtles don't lie!

**Mewtwo:** Do so!

**Squirtle:** Do not!

**Mewtwo:** Do so!

**Squirtle:** Do not

**Mewtwo:** Do so!

**Squirtle:** Do not!

**Bulbasaur:** (finishing "Frère Jacques") Dang dong dang! Dang dong dang!

(Credits roll. "La Marseillaise" plays in background)

**Mewtwo:** You've got a dumb head!

**Squirtle:** At least I have a head!

**Bulbasaur:** JUST SHUT UP!


	22. Eat a Peach

Welcome back, friend! Did you miss me? storyteller51 missed you.

Just saw my friend Kirby the other day.

Didn't look too bad. Put on a little weight, but hey, who hasn't?

Sooooo….. When are you going to come up for some money for Kirby? He looked a little…shabby.

But enough about him. The good news is, I'm through my shaky period of writing. And now, the daring comedy classic…

**Eat a Peach**

WAITING

(In the commissary, Squirtle and Charmander sit at a table)

**Charmander:** Yeah, not that that's doin' anything for my bank account, but... (Clears her throat)

**Squirtle:** Figures.

**Bulbasaur:** (off camera) Squirtle? Charmander? (walks on camera, looking like he just shaved) Let me tell you the story of the birds and the bees.

(Charmander and Squirtle look at each other, and start laughing)

**Squirtle:** Wow.

**Bulbasaur:** Now, don't be like that. It's beautiful.

(Opening theme and titles)

(Bulbasaur walks to the set, looking normal)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings, universe and beyond. I'm NHL goalie Martin Brodeur. On tonight's show: Bulbasaur! Now say hello to Squirtle and the Original Way-Outs.

(The band plays intro music as Bulbasaur walks to his desk)

**Charmander:** Bulbasaur, let me ask you something. How come you never introduce me?

**Bulbasaur:** Do what now?

**Charmander:** At the beginning of each show, you introduce yourself, you introduce Squirtle, I just thought it would be nice, one time, if you introduced me too.     (Bulbasaur and Squirtle laugh) What's so funny?

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, Charmander, Charmander. You're only the director. No one sees or cares about you. Squirtle and I are the talent. (Squirtle sips from his mug)

**Charmander:** I thought you hated Squirtle.

**Bulbasaur:** I do hate you.

**Squirtle:** Hey Bulbasaur! Wanna hear a funny joke?

**Bulbasaur:** See, Charmander, this is what I'm talking about. (Charmander sighs in disgust) Quiet, Charmander, your heat will throw off his timing, and that's why you suck.

**Squirtle:** Alright, here we go. Er, uh, um... Knock knock?

**Bulbasaur:** Um, who's there?

**Squirtle:** (beat) Fuck you.

**Bulbasaur:** (beat) (Laughs) Well done, Squirtle. So anyway, Charmander, I'm always open to ideas which might make the show better.

**Charmander:** How about I come out at the beginning of every show and hit you upside the head with a hammer?

**Squirtle:** I'd watch that show.

**Charmander:** And light your teeth on fire and puncture your eardrums with golf tees until your spinal fluid leaks out.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you, Charmander, but...

**Squirtle:** Can I do the hammer part? You can do the lighting his teeth on fire part.

**Charmander:** No, I do the hammer.

**Squirtle:** I do the hammer!

**Charmander:** (shouting) You ALWAYS do the hammer!

**Squirtle:** (shouting) I'm the hammer! Me! Squirtle is the hammer! Squirtle is the hammer! (starts to spaz out)

**Bulbasaur:** Alright, it's settled. Squirtle is the hammer, Charmander, you suck.

**Charmander:** (disgusted sigh)

**Bulbasaur:** Now, get off your ass and bring in my first guest... (The monitor starts to lower from ceiling) but not right now. (Monitor stops, halfway down) Hmmm. (Bulbasaur ducks behind desk, making rustling noises)

**Squirtle:** Where'd he go?

**Bulbasaur:** (more rustling noises) Charmander, the louder, the funnier.

**Charmander:** (disgusted) What?

**Bulbasaur:** Just do it. (Charmander throws lever. More rustling and crackling noises from Bulbasaur as he begins to hum to himself) I'm mumbling...

**Charmander:** What an ass.

**Bulbasaur:** (more rustling and mumbling; Squirtle looks on and glances at the camera momentarily; Charmander reads a book. Bulbasaur finally stands up) Turn it off, Charmander, there's nothing in it.

(In control room, a blonde youth waves in on Charmander's monitor)

**Charmander:** Turning off in 20 (throws her lever) 19... 18... 17... 16... 15 (Bulbasaur starts tapping his blue card each time Charmander counts)... 14... 13... 12... 11... 10... 9... 8... 7 (Bulbasaur taps his card twice, throwing off Charmander's counting) 6... 5'er (Bulbasaur starts tapping faster)... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0 (Throws her lever again: screen goes white, then returns) (Laughs) Alright, uh, let's see. (Throws her lever again)

**Bulbasaur:** (taps his card) I can't believe you said "ass", Charmander.

**Squirtle:** Bulbasaur, you're an ass.

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Mercy!

**Squirtle:** (stares angrily)

**Bulbasaur:** Love that line. Love that line. Now, what are we doing?

**Charmander:** (throws his lever, the control room monitor changes from Bulbasaur to a test pattern, then to Martin Brodeur) Uh, I've got Martin Brodeur.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh. (Looks at his blue card) Who's this guy, I've ne-. I've never seen him. Has he been on Regis?

**Squirtle:** Uh... I don't know.

**Bulbasaur:** Eh... Why don't we get him on the show? Screw Brodeur. (Monitor lowers with Martin Brodeur on the screen) We sure we need this guy?

**Squirtle:** Quit lookin' at me!

**Bulbasaur:** I've never even heard of this guy.

**Martin Brodeur:** (laughs) Um...

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, Brodeur! Good to see ya!

**Martin Brodeur:** Thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** (beat) (looks at his card) It says here you've got a car.

**Martin Brodeur:** Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, you do. And it's nice. (whispers to camera) I washed it!

**Martin Brodeur:** Oh, gosh, thank you.

**Bulbasaur:** Thank YOU. (A Murkrow flies across the stage and lands on Bulbasaur's head and caws in the background) So, tell me about your private life.

**Martin Brodeur:** Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** I wanna, I wanna find out personal details.

**Martin Brodeur:** I don't know.

**Bulbasaur:** Answer me!

**Martin Brodeur:** Uh, I don't even know what I just said.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I wanna call you later at home, you'll have to give me your home number, because I'm gonna ask you how much the Devils pay you. (Murkrow hops onto Bulbasaur's shoulder)

**Martin Brodeur:** 4.4 million.

**Bulbasaur:** You're kidding me. (Murkrow hops back onto Bulbasaur's head) That's weird.

**Martin Brodeur:** I'm sorry, I didn't hear you?

**Squirtle:** Uh, he said, "Screw you, you ass." (evil laugh)

**Charmander:** (laughs) Yeah, you're an ass!

**Martin Brodeur:** How'd you know my middle name? (Murkrow hops down from Bulbasaur's head, onto the desk)

**Bulbasaur:** Ah yes. (Murkrow caws; Bulbasaur caws back; Murkrow caws back) Brodeur, this crow is trying to tell us something. (Murkrow runs across desk and off camera)

**Martin Brodeur:** No. (Murkrow stands by curtains, cawing) Is that the cops coming'?

**Bulbasaur:** No, it's something about your car. (Runs over to Murkrow, caws at it, the Murkrow caws back) It's in danger.

**Martin Brodeur:** Are you serious?

**Bulbasaur:** Murkrows aren't interested in you, they like cars.

**Martin Brodeur:** Hey, who doesn't?

**Bulbasaur:** Shh! Hey, this is important. (Murkrow and Bulbasaur caw back and forth at each other for a while) Hmm, I better check on your car. (Runs off the set)

**Squirtle:** Hey, buddy! (throws a bottle at the monitor; it breaks on impact)

**Martin Brodeur:** Heckling's uncool. (Another bottle breaks on the monitor) Do you want people heckling you, while you're playing your keyboard... guitar? (Squirtle throws another bottle)

(Outside, Bulbasaur lands next to Martin's car)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, that Murkrow was full of shit, this car's perfectly safe. Hey! A grocery store. (walks off camera)

(Back on the set, Squirtle throws another bottle, while Murkrow caws)

**Martin Brodeur:** That's not very funny. (Squirtle throws another bottle) I'm very tired, Charmander, Squirtle, you know what I'm talking about. (Squirtle throws another bottle) Squirtle, you know what I'm talking about.

(Squirtle throws another bottle; finally, the monitor goes black. Squirtle throws another bottle, and hits Murkrow; it stops cawing. Then, it leaps at Squirtle as dramatic music plays. Squirtle looks surprised. Murkrow hits Squirtle, and soon the two Pokemon are battling.)

(In the supermarket, Bulbasaur is rubbing melons)

(Back on the set, Squirtle and Murkrow are still battling)

**Squirtle:** Get your ass over here! (Dramatic music plays as Squirtle and Murkrow exchanges blows)

(In the control room, Charmander talks to Martin Brodeur on her monitor)

**Charmander:** Hell, even at the comic shop here in town, like the Charmander action figure is marked down fifty percent.

**Martin Brodeur:** No.

**Charmander:** It's the only one.

**Martin Brodeur:** That's more of this exposure thing you were asking me about?

**Charmander:** Well, they want, like seven bucks for it, so I guess they're selling it for, like, three-fifty or something.

**Martin Brodeur:** Nah.

**Charmander:** Sad.

(Back on the set)

**Squirtle:** Right here, buddy. (Shoots Water Gun at the Murkrow; it flies at Squirtle, knocking him down; and then starts pecking at his eyes)

(Back in the control room)

**Charmander:** I don't know, the Squirtle one is $7.95, so...

**Martin Brodeur:** Ah.

**Charmander:** I mean, they didn't even price Charmanders. (Set rocks from an explosion) I mean, they're all supposed to be priced the same.

(Back on the set, Squirtle laughs, as he chews on the now dead Murkrow's head.)

**Martin Brodeur:** Do you have some food for me?

**Squirtle:** (stops chewing) Hmm? Uh uh. (Continues eating the Murkrow)

**Martin Brodeur:** Hey, come on.

(Bulbasaur walks back to his desk)

**Bulbasaur:** I, I never shut my refrigerator door. I just ... (looks at Squirtle) Oooh, gimme some of that!

**Squirtle:** (stops chewing) Hmmm? Nah.

**Martin Brodeur:** What food are you gonna get? Can you get Thai food? I really like Thai food.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, Charmander: huddle up.

(Harp music with scene transition; Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle are now holding hands)

**Bulbasaur:** This guy's obviously hungry, but we shouldn't have to share our food. Squirtle, you tell him. You'll make it funny. On two. Ready? Break! (Squirtle says nothing) Ready... Break! Ready...

**Squirtle:** Hey, little man! Got a joke for ya.

**Martin Brodeur:** What would that be, I'm afraid to hear this one.

**Squirtle:** You're not getting any of our fucking crow. (Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle all laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, thanks for coming on.

**Martin Brodeur:** That's it?

**Bulbasaur:** Yup.

**Martin Brodeur:** Come on.

**Bulbasaur:** How about a big hand for the hungry hockey player? (Bulbasaur blasts the monitor; Brodeur is replaced by a giant eye.) Isn't he great? Aw, hell. Damn it.

**Charmander:** What?

**Bulbasaur:** The bees; I forgot to tell the bees! (Runs off the set)

Later...

(Next to a dumpster surrounded by a swarm of bees)

**Bulbasaur:** Thank you, bees. I am looking forward to it. Oh, that's very kind of you, bees. Dicky said I could. What do you mean? I did too pay you back! Look, Jack, that is such BS. What do you want from me?!

(Transition to Martin Brodeur's car, now surrounded by bees)

**Bulbasaur:** It's got low mileage, and it does pull to the right.

(The car drives off suddenly. Banjo music plays, and we see the view through the windshield as the car roars down the street, through a stop sign, and finally crashing. The screen goes black)

**Bulbasaur:** (off camera) Okay then.

(Closing credits)

Even more good news for my fans! New episodes of Coast to Coast will be on every week in June! Starring…

50 Cent

Randy Travis

and Ol Kentucky Shark

All finished by July of this year!


	23. Flipmode

(Caption: "SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC", with sonar "ping" sound in background. Fade in to darkened set; Bulbasaur is looking out the window.)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, what's our depth?

**Charmander:** (reading a book) Twenty thousand leagues, sir.

**Bulbasaur:** Take her to twenty-one.

**Charmander:** Twenty-one?! But, why?

**Bulbasaur:** Because it's more fantastical. (We hear the sound of someone banging on the bulkhead with a pipe) Don't answer it. It's evil Doctor Reef.

**Squirtle:** I'm answering it.

**Bulbasaur:** Don't. If you open that door, we'll drown.

**Squirtle:** Oh, yeah? Good. (He punches a big red button on the wall next to his keyboard. A door opens, and a driver-less forklift slowly drives in with a stack of lumber. It lowers the lumber by Bulbasaur's desk and slowly backs out, complete with "backup" beep sound. There is a long pause, then suddenly…)

**Bulbasaur:** My god! Wooden eels! Surface! Surface! (Charmander throws a switch in the control room) Speed up! No, not that fast! (Pile of lumber slides across the stage) Slow down! (Charmander throws lever again.) I'm blacking out! (Bulbasaur's voice echoes, as his image becomes a flashing black and white outline, which fades away to be replaced by background of stars)

(Return to lighted set. Squirtle is lying on the floor with eyes closed, next to the lumber pile)

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle is dead! Murdered! (sound of crashing and mayhem) Charmander, serve the first course!

**Charmander:** Aye aye, Cap'n! Cole slaw, comin' up!

**Bulbasaur:** The only thing we can do now is eat. And bring out my first suspect.

(50 Cent appears on the studio monitor)

**50 Cent:** Thank you, Mr. Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Mr. 50, Squirtle's skull has been fractured. With what appears to be... (looks at pipe wrench that he is holding)... a wrench.

**Squirtle:** (wakes up) This dinner mystery sucks.

**Bulbasaur:** (jumps on Squirtle's head) Which was last in my hand. In the veranda. Where I was loosening the gas pipe.

**50 Cent:** (laughs) I see, Bulbasaur. (Bulbasaur and 50 Cent laugh)

**Bulbasaur:** Is it possible we surfaced too rapidly?

**Squirtle:** (stands up, holding a script) Rrreah! That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. This whole thing sucks.

**Bulbasaur:** What are you not doing anymore?

**Squirtle:** This! The whole thing with the sub. We're not underwater. I knew this was a dumbass idea.

**50 Cent:** Oh, man, you'd better not play that game with me; Squirtle could get a nice Jackie Chan chop right in the back of his neck.

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on, y'all. (Pulls out the pipe wrench)

**Squirtle:** What's that for?

**Bulbasaur:** Do not (hits Squirtle on the head with the wrench) disturb (hits him again) the judge! (hits him again; each time, Squirtle yells "ow!")

**50 Cent:** Dang!

**Bulbasaur:** God, that was violent. I blame... the sea.

**50 Cent:** You need to give me... a pair of them vine things you be running around the place with.

**Bulbasaur:** Why?

**50 Cent:** I'm gonna use 'em.

**Bulbasaur:** For what?

**50 Cent:** I might use 'em to hit you with 'em.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

**50 Cent:** Give 'em to me.

**Bulbasaur:** I will.

**50 Cent:** So let me have it.

**Bulbasaur:** I will.

(Charmander walks onto the set carrying a bowl of cole slaw)

**Charmander:** Where do you want this (Bulbasaur knocks the bowl to the floor, with a crash) ... Captain?

**Bulbasaur:** We're in silent running here.

**Charmander:** (LAUGHS) Okay, fine.

**Bulbasaur:** (shouting) Charmander! We are in silent running! Do you understand the concept of silent running?

**Charmander:** Eh, you want another one?

**Bulbasaur:** (whispering) Silent.

**Charmander:** Okay, fine.

**50 Cent:** So what are you giving me such a hard time with giving me the hardware?

**Bulbasaur:** What are you talking about? Charmander! Make a fire with these eels!

**Charmander:** Aye aye, Cap'n.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) But be quiet. We're underwater.

**Charmander:** No, we surfaced.

**Bulbasaur:** You handle the salads until you get killed!

**Charmander:** You told me to surface, so... that's, that's what I did.

**Bulbasaur:** (walking back and forth) Now, wood pile, did you or did you not masquerade as eels and shock Squirtle with that wrench? Answer me! (50 Cent laughs) Now what about these beans?

**Charmander:** Those must have fallen out of my hair. (Bulbasaur stares back in silence) Well, you're just making all this bullshit up. (Bulbasaur continues to stare) Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make shit up? (Bulbasaur continues to stare; Charmander sighs) Those are part of the dinner.

**Bulbasaur:** No they're not. They're part of the plot.

**Charmander:** They were on the menu.

**Bulbasaur:** Murder is on the menu. Look, bean prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?

**Charmander:** That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.

**Bulbasaur:** Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas! (Bulbasaur breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub") Dive! Dive! Suck on the pipes! (klaxons sound)

**50 Cent:** I think Pokemon is still with it.

(Bulbasaur puts his head inside a broken pipe; his voice, and everyone else's, becomes high-pitched)

**Bulbasaur:** Hang on, 50! We're going underwater.

**50 Cent:** All right, Bulby.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay.

**50 Cent:** You little freaky...

**Squirtle:** (stands up, groggy) Uhh, ahhh... what happened?

**50 Cent:** Doing that little funny thing, you'd better watch that, man. (Bulbasaur hits Squirtle with the wrench 5 more times) You don't play no games from the year 2000 and change.

(Bulbasaur walks up and hits Squirtle three more times)

**Bulbasaur:** Look, I pieced it together. (50 Cent laughs) Squirtle wasn't dead, but now he is.

**50 Cent:** Crazy Squirtle, man.

**Bulbasaur:** And then you showed up.

**50 Cent:** Yeah, I know man, but, you know, you seem like a cool cat. You need to come and hang out with us so you can learn what that twitchin' is all about.

**Charmander:** (Jumps up on Bulbasaur's desk) Hey, don't stand on the floor. The floor is spoiled. Like milk.

**Bulbasaur:** (Hiding behind desk) This is so weird, isn't it? (50 Cent laughs hysterically) Hey... hey, 50. 50?

**50 Cent:** Yes?

**Bulbasaur:** (From behind Charmander) Remember when I licked the back of Jack's skull?

**50 Cent:** Jack? Who's Jack? Where... where did Jack come from?

**Bulbasaur:** I mean Squirtle. Squirtle was who I licked. No, wait, no, it was Dynablade. Ah, nobody cares.

(A second Bulbasaur appears behind Charmander, followed by many more)

**Bulbasaur 2:** Hey, let's go outside and do the show in the woods.

**Bulbasaur 1:** Okay.

(Cut to campfire in the woods)

**50 Cent:** I just think that this is, this... this, you know, this, the way the events have occurred in the last year has been really disastrous for, not just people, but, you know, entertainment and, you know, many other things on the whole, and...

**Bulbasaur:** (normal voice) I'm not getting one good idea.

**50 Cent:** I think that if we don't start...

**Bulbasaur:** Let's go back inside where the gas is.

(Cut to set. 50 Cent continues laughing hysterically in the background. Bulbasaur takes a deep breath)

**Bulbasaur:** Get up, Squirtle. (Throws Squirtle across set) The gas is giving me an idea. (Everyone's voices become high pitched again) Everything I do and say should be recorded by cameras. Do you think that Walt would be interested in that?

**Charmander:** (high pitched) Uh, Walt Disney's dead.

**Bulbasaur:** Who killed Walt Disney? With a wrench?

**Charmander:** No one.

**Bulbasaur:** Walt Disney makes me sweat. Is he gonna sue us?

**Charmander:** Walt Disney is dead!!

**Bulbasaur:** I know! My God, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hey, wood! (beat) We should build something.

**Announcer:** Seven hours later.

(Cut to set. Two boards are nailed together in an upside-down v shape. An extension cord is taped to one board.)

**Charmander:** Wow. What's it do?

**Bulbasaur:** It's symbolic, Charmander. Things don't always have to do things. Now, help me plug it into the wall.

**Charmander:** Look, uh, maybe we should just revive Squirtle and talk to the guest or something.

**Bulbasaur:** What? And just leave the eels here? That's insane. (Squirtle wakes up again) What happened to you?

**Squirtle:** I was hit with a wrench.

**Bulbasaur:** (hits Squirtle with wrench again) We have to get you to the hospital.

(Cut to a rave atmosphere. Psychedelic lights flash in the background, silhouetting Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle. Spotlights pan across the set. "**Ready to Go"** by Republica plays)

**Bulbasaur:** What kind of hospital is this? (Three fireballs rise in front of them)

(Cut to Fearow)

**Bulbasaur:** What kind of a hospital was that?

**Charmander:** You just missed the turn.

**Bulbasaur:** Hold on, watch this.

(Bulbasaur blasts Fearow with Solarbeam, causing Fearow to crash in a ditch. Cut to view from Charmander's viewpoint; we see Bulbasaur with flames behind him)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, talk to me, are you okay?

**Charmander:** No, ugh, I'm hurt.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.

**Charmander:** Ugh, I'm passin' out.

**Bulbasaur:** We have to get you to the hospital. (Echo and fade to black.)

(Cut to the produce section of a grocery store. Charmander and Squirtle are lying on the floor)

**Charmander:** Ugh. What's all this? Ugh...

**Bulbasaur:** You can pick anything. Pick anything you like.

**Squirtle:** I need toilet paper.

**Charmander:** Ugh, I need some flavor ice.

**Squirtle:** And pudding.

**Bulbasaur:** Did you see the lights flicker?

**Charmander:** (looks) No.

**Bulbasaur:** Look at it but don't blink.

**Squirtle:** (coughs)

**Charmander:** What are we doing?

**Bulbasaur:** Wait, did it just do it again?

**Squirtle:** I'm gonna go.

**Bulbasaur:** It did it again.

**Squirtle:** Don't follow me.

**Charmander:** Hang on, I'm going with ya. (Walks after Squirtle)

**Bulbasaur:** Not so fast. Roll call. Charmander.

**Charmander:** Dead.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle.

**Squirtle:** Eat me.

**Bulbasaur:** 50? Where's 50 Cent?

(Cut back to rave scene. 50 Cent is still laughing wildly.)

(Cut back to supermarket.)

**Bulbasaur:** This seems like as good a time as any to welcome our first new sponsor. (A second Bulbasaur walks in)

**Bulbasaur 2:** Natural gas. (A third Bulbasaur is hiding behind melons, laughing. A fourth pops up behind the produce section.)

**Bulbasaur 4:** It gives you some ideas. (More Bulbasaurs appear, including one in a tennis skirt. All of them laugh)

**Squirtle:** Shut up!

(Cut to set; we are looking at a heating duct)

**Squirtle:** (sounding far away) Shut up!

**Bulbasaur:** Where's Squirtle?

**Charmander:** He crawled into the heating duct.

**Squirtle:** You snitch!

**Bulbasaur:** Why? Turn up the heat.

**Charmander:** (Pulls lever; ventilation fans spin up)

**Bulbasaur:** (staring at duct) Good. (walks over to opening in the duct) Squirtle, get out here before I hit you.

**Squirtle:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander and I are out here doing my damnedest to put on the best talk show possible. And you're balled up in here like a big blue tarantula.

**Squirtle:** I ain't coming out, man.

**Bulbasaur:** How'd you fit in here? (beat) Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** I need to be alone.

**Bulbasaur:** Did you speak with the orb?

**Squirtle:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** Let me just touch your skin. (pulls out his pipe wrench)

**Squirtle:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** (knocks off the vent cover with the wrench and laughs) But now, it's time for you to come down and make America happy. (leaps up into the vent opening)

**Squirtle:** Just get away!

**Bulbasaur:** God, it's hot in here.

**Squirtle:** Get out of here!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm stuck.

**Squirtle:** Get out!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm stuck!

**Squirtle:** Get out!

**Bulbasaur:** Look at me, Squirtle, now I'm stuck.

**Squirtle:** (his eyes peering back from the darkness) Get out of here!

**Bulbasaur:** Are you happy?

**Squirtle:** GET OUT!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, grab my legs and pull.

**Charmander:** (pulls on Bulbasaur's legs) Just let go.

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, Charmander. Squirtle needs to be alone.

**Charmander:** You have to let go!

**Squirtle:** GET OUT!!!!!!!

**Bulbasaur:** Come over here.

**Squirtle:** Back off!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm gonna bite your head off.

**Squirtle:** Get out!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, grab my legs and pull!

**Charmander:** I wonder if that's drinkable.

**Squirtle:** (starts speaking nonsense sounds, then his voice goes into a tight loop)

(Cut to the Ketchem's living room. He and Charmander are watching the show on the television screen)

**Charmander:** This goes on for a while. Like an hour.

**Bulbasaur:** But I got out, right?

**Charmander:** Yeah... but then you got back in.

**Bulbasaur:** Did you get the part where I was Bulbasaur, a Graduation Special?

**Charmander:** No, we recorded over that.

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Charmander:** I mean, I couldn't find it.

**Bulbasaur:** (with sanded off face) Then what was the point of sanding my face off?

**("Ready to Go"** starts up and plays out as the credits roll)


	24. Kentucky Nightmare

(Bulbasaur walks in to set. A large shark is lying on the floor behind him.)

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings! Welcome to the show.

**Squirtle:** Hey!

**Bulbasaur:** Tonight my guest is Corey Feldman.

**Squirtle:** Hey! (beat) What's with the shark?

**Bulbasaur:** That's been there... for over a year.

**Squirtle:** Oh. Well, I don't remember it.

**Bulbasaur:** Well, it was one year ago today I brought it in and said, "Here is the shark, I'll place it right here."

**Charmander:** (In the control room) What did I say?

**Bulbasaur:** You said you were so excited about this merger that you couldn't speak.

**Charmander:** Uh, what merger?

**Bulbasaur:** The merger between this talk show and that shark. I know I told you this.

**Squirtle:** (Beat)

**Charmander:** (Beat)

**Squirtle:** Well, I don't remember.

**Bulbasaur:** Look, that is Ol' Kentucky Shark, and he has been there. Okay, Squirtle and Charmander? Are we clear now?

**Squirtle:** Tch, yeah. (Bulbasaur walks toward his desk) You don't want me to play you to your desk?

**Bulbasaur:** (Stops walking) When have we ever done that? We've never done it that way! (Continues walking) And if you think you're gonna get sympathy from the shark, well then you won't. (Reaches his desk & sits down, glances toward Squirtle) Stupid. (Looks at the camera) Now, let's welcome Corey Feldman.

(Monitor lowers with **Randy Travis**)

**Randy Travis:** Hello.

**Bulbasaur:** Or Randy Travis, it, it really doesn't matter.

**Randy Travis:** Thank you. (Smiles)

**Bulbasaur:** Maybe it does matter. Eh, hello, Randy, do you know Ol' Kentucky Shark?

**Randy Travis:** Gosh, I don't know.

**Bulbasaur:** (Holds Ol' Kentucky up to monitor, who starts growling) Well, allow me! Ol' Kentucky Shark, this is Randy Travis. Randy Travis, Ol' Kentucky Shark.

**Randy Travis:** My pleasure.

**Bulbasaur:** (Drops Ol' Kentucky) See, Ol' Kentucky Shark is the brand new mascot of the failing liquor chain that bought us.

**Squirtle:** Ohhhh, so now there's a liquor store involved...

**Bulbasaur:** Look, in the heat of conversation, Squirtle, I may have said certain things I don't believe to be true.

**Squirtle:** So... you lied.

**Bulbasaur:** Are you slow? The alleged lie that you might have heard me saying, allegedly moments ago? That's a parasite that lives in my neck. (Randy grimaces) Mars will never put up with this.

**Randy Travis:** What planet are you from?

**Bulbasaur:** Planet of Hollywood. Boy, you can order a hamburger with predator braids. Ya ever been there?

**Randy Travis:** I don't, I probably have, but I don't, you know...

**Bulbasaur:** You'd know if you'd been there. Your guitar would explode in your hands.

**Randy Travis:** That's neat. Where do you get them clothes? (Sips coffee from his mug)

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know if you'd know 'em... Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

**Voice:** Up the chain!

**Bulbasaur:** They made 'em for me.

**Randy Travis:** Now that's a helluva deal.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh yeah, the tag says "Made in Malaysia by Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn".

**Squirtle:** Don't you think that's weird that the tag would say that?

**Bulbasaur:** And yet it does. (Growling sound in background) See? (Holds his cape up to Randy)

**Randy Travis:** You don't have cape houses in, uh, Pokeville?

(An Ursaring walks by outside, behind Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** (Looks at the Ursaring) What's that bear doing?

**Squirtle:** He's walkin' around.

**Bulbasaur:** He's probably going south, to mate with birds. (Turns to Randy) Bears are crazy, Randy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it.

**Randy Travis:** (Laughs) Yeah, oh yeah, that's, those are neat.

**Bulbasaur:** (Facing the windows, watching the Ursaring) Yup.

(Out by an open door, the Ursaring comes through the door, walking past Charmander.)

**Charmander:** How ya doing'?

(Back at the set)

**Bulbasaur:** This next question is brought to you by Ol' Kentucky Shark, of Kentucky Nightmare Liquor Corporation. You might remember him.

**Randy Travis:** Yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** He's the fish you met earlier.

**Randy Travis:** He's my friend, too, I like him.

**Bulbasaur:** Really.

**Randy Travis:** Oh, yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** All right. (Stands up, talks to Ol' Kentucky) Am I supposed to ask you this question, or you ask me? How's this work? (Ol' Kentucky continues lying there silently) Okay, I'll just jump in here. Randy, who wrote the extremely famous phrase, "A shark on whiskey is mighty risky. A shark on beer is a beer engineer"?

**Randy Travis:** (Scratches his chin, then laughs, then thinks some more) Uh...

**Bulbasaur:** Give up?

**Randy Travis:** Yeah, yeah.

**Bulbasaur:** The answer we're looking for, Randy, is Doctor Worm.

**Squirtle:** Who's Doctor Worm?

**Bulbasaur:** Nobody. So shut up.

**Randy Travis:** You're a good lookin' cowboy there, when you got on them...

**Bulbasaur:** (Stands up) Yes I am.

**Randy Travis:** You're a Poke cowboy, is what you are.

**Bulbasaur:** (Walks over to Squirtle's keyboard pod) Two, three, four. (Bulbasaur sings really off key accompanied by Squirtle's pounding on his keyboard) "Some people call me the space cowboy..."

**Randy Travis:** Do you have a second line in mind?

**Bulbasaur:** (Continues singing off-key) "Dumb people haul trash around…" (Stops singing) I'm still working on it.

**Randy Travis:** I think it's got some potential there, I'll...

**Bulbasaur:** That's good. (Starts walking back toward his desk) Because it's done. (Squirtle continues pounding on the keys) Squirtle... (Trips over Ol' Kentucky and falls) Damn shark! (Stands up, and is now face to face with the Ursaring. Ursaring growls at Bulbasaur, who backs away and hides behind Squirtle's keyboard pod) Squirtle, you must be secreting something that's attracting this bear!

**Squirtle:** I haven't done anything! (Looks at camera) Heh heh, except for this. (Secretes a yellow cloud) Merry Christmas!

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, take your gills outside!

**Squirtle:** Heh, okay. (Bounces away)

**Bulbasaur:** Phew! God, crack open a window!

(Bulbasaur has a flashback thought bubble, with Leopold "Butters" Stotch)

**"Butters":** (In the thought bubble) Wow, Bulbasaur, man, crack a window, will ya?

**Bulbasaur:** (Laughs) Crack a window, eh Randy? (He and Randy laugh) Crack open all the... Gaaa! (Ursaring leaps at Bulbasaur, he dodges)

(In the control room, Bulbasaur runs in)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, what's the bear doing here?

**Charmander:** (Sighs in disgust) Here, let me show you. (Throws lever, a video plays on her monitor, showing the Ursaring walking in the woods.)

**Bulbasaur:** Ah yes, my documentary.

(Music plays in the background, Bulbasaur narrates)

**Bulbasaur:** Bears and sharks always travel together. (The Ursaring stands by a stream and growls, baring his teeth, while a shark floats by on its back) Just look at them, walking through the wooded forest, paw in fin. (Ursaring and the shark walk by. The camera suddenly pans up to bare tree branches.) It's on account of their teeth (Ursaring and the shark start to growl and fight) that makes them "Nature's Best Friends" (Title appears in center of screen, as growling and fighting continue in background)

(Back in the control room)

**Bulbasaur:** (To camera) I made this for public television, but they told me it was stupid and grossly inaccurate. (Charmander throws lever, stopping the video) You been smoking?

**Charmander:** No!

**Bulbasaur:** I can smell it on you, Charmander. Crack a window, will ya? (Laughs)

(Back in the studio)

**Squirtle:** Hey, look at this! (Secretes a yellow cloud again) That's gonna carry all the way to the village. (Evil laugh)

**Charmander:** There ain't no village.

**Squirtle:** Choke on it, village!

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, Squirtle's secretion will certainly wipe out the village's sandwich shop.

**Charmander:** There ain't no village. (Squirtle laughs, secretes another cloud)

**Bulbasaur:** The village! (Runs off)

**Charmander:** There ain't no village!

**Randy Travis:** (Now on the monitor) Hey, Charmander.

**Charmander:** Hey, Randy, I'm going outside. (Walks away from the console)

(Back on the set)

**Bulbasaur:** (Lands on his chair, carrying a six foot sub sandwich) I was too late. This is all that was left. Their six foot party sub. Their king, Randy, made it for me, while I waited. (Takes several bites out of the end of the sandwich, and talks with his mouth full) No one will ever know their way of life.

**Squirtle:** (From outside the studio, muffled by the glass) Hey, look over here. (Bulbasaur turns to look at Squirtle outside) Gimme that sandwich!

**Bulbasaur:** (Still talking with his mouth full) Squirtle, get back in here. I didn't give you permission to go outside!

**Squirtle:** Charmander's out here lighting poop on fire.

**Charmander:** (Runs by) I am not!

(Ursaring approaches Bulbasaur, growling)

**Bulbasaur:** Shut up! (Ursaring jumps Bulbasaur, knocking him down) Ow! (Bulbasaur and Ursaring battle behind his desk, he pokes his head up) Shark, help... (Ursaring pulls him down again. The shark lies dormant on the studio floor. Bulbasaur finally stands up). This is B.S., man. I'm gonna go see Doctor Worm and re-evaluate this merger. (Ursaring jumps him from behind) Oof!

(Bulbasaur is in Doctor Worm's office, where a Dunsparce is in a small golden cage lying on a small pillow.)

**Dunsparce:** Be chicken malt lickin' daddy's head be tickin'.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes, I know.

(Back in the studio, Ursaring approaches Randy on the monitor, growling)

**Randy Travis:** (To the Ursaring) Hey, how ya doin', Tex?

**Squirtle:** Eh, that bear's a Yankee.

**Randy Travis:** Well, (bleep) him.

(Bulbasaur returns to his desk, Ursaring turns to attack him again)

**Bulbasaur:** That's right, I just talked to Doctor Worm, and he had some interesting things to say. (Ursaring continues to growl at Bulbasaur) You get away from me! (Ursaring growls face to face with Bulbasaur) Okay then! (Walks to other side of set) Randy, I'm just going to do the show from over here.

**Randy Travis:** Good luck.

(Ursaring lunges at Bulbasaur)

**Bulbasaur:** Oh no! (Ursaring grabs him and runs off stage; Squirtle, Randy and Charmander all laugh) Shark, help! (Ursaring finally drops Bulbasaur near an open door) Ow!

(Back in Doctor Worm's office)

**Dunsparce:** I'm so drunk I'm liable to do anything to you, boy!

**Bulbasaur:** Well...

**Dunsparce:** Now get outta here, before I put you in the worst headlock of your life!

(Back at the set, Ursaring is sitting in Bulbasaur's chair. Bulbasaur walks in front of his desk, and Ursaring rears and growls. He runs away to the other side of the set)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, we need more shots of the shark. Shake the camera; make it look like he's swimming. (The camera is facing the desk and starts bobbing up and down in a sea-sickness-inducing manor)

**Charmander:** Is that good?

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, that's great. Where's the shark? Y'know?

**Charmander:** I dunno.

**Randy Travis:** Is he around somewhere?

**Bulbasaur:** God, I hope so, or that worm's gonna go crazy. Charmander... (Camera stops bobbing) Randy, will you entertain that bear for a few minutes while I go look for the shark?

**Randy Travis:** Oh, I think I probably overspoke. (Laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** Just wave some meat around Squirtle, where's the shark?

**Squirtle:** He's outside.

**Bulbasaur:** Ol' Kentucky, you shouldn't be outside there in that sun. You need to come inside and put on some sunblock and a wide brimmed... (Shark's head explodes) Oh no! (Charmander and Squirtle laugh hysterically) Charmander...

**Charmander:** No, no, it was not us. (Laughs)

**Squirtle:** But it is funny. (Laughs)

**Charmander:** Yeah! (Laughs)

**Bulbasaur:** (Runs to control room) Then how did it happen?

**Charmander:** Here, look at this (throws her lever, Bulbasaur's documentary starts playing on his monitor again. The shark and Ursaring are facing off to fight)

**Bulbasaur:** Ah yes, my documentary. (Narrating the documentary) Why do sharks explode? (Camera pans up to shark in a tree; it explodes with a bang) (Illustration of shark with firecrackers in its head, accompanied by the text labels "Brains" and "Sex Organs" with arrows) This is because sometimes their brains and sexual organs are made out of M-80's. (Dissolve to wooded scene with another shark) Sometimes, to attract mates, a shark will explode. (Shark explodes) (Several other sharks lying on the ground explode in sequence as the narration continues) And sometimes they explode just to attract giant Beedrill's.

(Back in the control room)

**Bulbasaur:** Well, no Beedrills are gonna get in here. Not in MY airtight fortress.

**Charmander:** Yeah, all the windows are cracked open.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey man, crack a window open! (Laughs until a giant Beedrill crashes into the control room floor.) Oh no!

(More Beedrills fly through the studio, past Randy, Ursaring and Squirtle)

**Bulbasaur:** To the creek!

(Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Charmander are now standing in a creek in the woods.

**Bulbasaur:** Let's talk about what went wrong with tonight's show. (Charmander sighs) Okay, first off, who invited Randy?

**Charmander:** You know, I, uh, I left my jacket back there.

(While they speak, a shark fin approaches in the water)

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, it's gone. Long gone.

(Squirtle disappears with a splash. Bulbasaur looks at Charmander, and looks away)

(Credits roll very fast)


	25. Hungry

It's the 9th of July, 2004.

Welcome to the biggest hangover any of us has had. At some point the 4th of July party went horribly wrong.

But enough about me. Back to the show.

: WAITING

**Bulbasaur:** (stomach growls) Oh, the hunger...

(Opening theme music & titles)

**Bulbasaur:** Welcome to the show! Tonight my guests are pork roast and fishwich... (stomach growls) I mean Michael Stipe and Lassie. So, how was your weekend, Squirtle?

**Squirtle:** (with British accent) Hey hey hey!

**Bulbasaur:** Mine was good too. Eh, say, what's with the action figure?

**Squirtle:** There is no weekend.

**Raymond: **(In Squirtle's pod; he is a miniature Squirtle) Hello.

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, yeah. What's with the action figure?

**Squirtle:** We exist in a boundless time continuum. There is no weekend!

**Raymond:** (while Squirtle is talking) Hello... Hello... Hello.

**Squirtle:** Eh, this is my nephew, Raymond.

**Raymond:** Hello!

**Bulbasaur:** Hi, Ray!

**Raymond:** Heh heh...

**Bulbasaur:** So, what do you want to be when you grow up?

**Raymond:** Uh... Pokemon of 'nown.

**Bulbasaur:** Isn't that cute? He can't say Unown! Watch this... Hey kid, say "spaghetti".

**Raymond:** Pasghetti.

**Bulbasaur:** (laughs) Mmmm, pasghetti.

**Raymond:** Pasghetti!

**Charmander:** (in control room, reading the Pokedex) Nown. Nown…

**Bulbasaur:** Hey, you turtles must have millions of relatives, what with all the eggs you lay.

**Squirtle:** (shouting) I am the Lone Turtle of the Unown!

**Raymond:** 'Nown?

**Squirtle:** Think of me when you look...

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, now you're a turtle again! Well silly me, I thought you were a Pokemon!

**Squirtle:** Uh, I am!

**Bulbasaur:** "I am the Lone Pokemon of the Unown." (Raymond starts giggling) Wait, better yet: "I am the Lone Fill-in-the-blank of the Unown." How's about that, Squirtle, leave enough room for you there, hmm?

**Squirtle:** But... (Raymond is now giggling uncontrollably) Say, Ray...

**Raymond:** (stops giggling) Yes?

**Squirtle:** Shut up!

**Raymond:** Okay.

**Bulbasaur:** Are you guys as hungry as I am?

**Squirtle:** (with western accent) Mmmmmm! Hungry, like Hungry Jack hungry?

**Bulbasaur:** No, hungry like a muscled-up GI Joe after a tough day in the chopper.

**Squirtle:** No, uh uh.

**Raymond:** Yes!

**Squirtle:** No, Raymond.

**Raymond:** Yes!

**Squirtle:** Nooo, Raymond.

**Raymond:** Yes, Squirtmander!

**Squirtle:** (shouting) I am Squirtle! SQUIRT-LE! (Raymond starts crying)

**Bulbasaur:** (to himself) Oooh, action figure with life-like tears. (aloud) You want a pizza, Raymond?

**Squirtle:** Pizza!

**Bulbasaur:** Pizza pizza, wittle Waymond.

**Raymond:** (stops crying) Pizza!

**Squirtle:** Pizza!

**Raymond:** Peyoni pizza?

**Bulbasaur:** Heh heh... Charmander, establish contact with a pizza parlor! (Squirtle & Raymond keep shouting "Pizza!" in the background)

**Charmander:** Yes, hang on... all right... okay, let me, uh... (Throws lever, we see Siegfried and Roy)

**Siegfried & Roy:** (on monitor, waving) Hi, Linda, hi Linda...

**Charmander:** Huh? Linda?

**Siegfried:** Nice to see you, Linda.

**Charmander:** Earthlings! (Throws lever again; now we see **Sal **from **"Mega Man Network Transmission"**)

**Sal:** (on monitor) Sal's Pizza Emporium, we bake it, you buy it.

**Charmander:** Ah hah... (Zaps her to Bulbasaur's monitor)

**Sal:** Hello, sir. What'll ya have?

**Bulbasaur:** Greetings, pizza merchant. We wish to order a pie with...

**Sal:** Sorry. Outta anchovies.

**Bulbasaur:** ... you guys like anchovies?

**Squirtle:** How about seal?

**Bulbasaur:** Too chewy.

**Squirtle:** Mmm, yeah. Carp?

**Bulbasaur:** You have carp?

**Sal:** Nope.

**Bulbasaur:** Awwww...

**Charmander:** Haddock.

**Raymond:** Waffles. Carp waffles!

**Sal:** Sorry, we're fresh outta carp waffles already.

**Charmander:** Hey, hey, haddock.

**Bulbasaur:** We could get grouper...

**Charmander:** No, no, haddock!

**Bulbasaur:** I've got it... Orange roughy!

**Squirtle:** Yeah, get it bloated!

**Charmander:** Hey, how about haddock!?

**Bulbasaur:** We'd like a pizza with bloated orange roughy, please.

**Squirtle:** No, wait! Sun-bloated, yeah, get it sun-bloated!

**Bulbasaur:** Sorry. Sun-bloated, okay?

**Sal:** No problem. Hey, Wood Man! Gimme one large pie, with sun-bloated orange roughy.

**Bulbasaur:** Pronto, with bells on, PDQ!

**Squirtle:** Make sure it's bloated.

**Sal:** Alright already! (screen zaps off)

**Bulbasaur:** Mmmmm, orange groupie.

**Raymond:** Roughy!

**Bulbasaur:** Whatever. My first guest is one of several thousand collies who have gone by the name of Lassie. But this is the real one!

**Squirtle:** Objection!

**Raymond:** Yeah, the Jetsons!

**Bulbasaur:** Order! (screen lowers)

**Raymond:** Oooh, puppy!

**Bulbasaur:** Order!

**Raymond:** Doggy!

**Bulbasaur:** Shh! Don't startle the dog guest.

**Raymond:** (quietly) Sorry.

**Bulbasaur:** Gee, you're a nice doggy, Lassie.

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** So, what you been up to?

**Lassie:** Bark! Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** Yeah, I know! Does it ever itch right here?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** You could get some salve. (No response) Okay. Now here's a high-pitch sound only you can hear. AAAAAAAAAEEEEEAAAAAEEEAAAAHHHH!! Uh! (Lassie tilts her head to one side)

**Squirtle:** You idiot! We can all hear that!

**Bulbasaur:** No you can't. You're bluffing.

**Squirtle:** Am not! You're saying, "AAAAAEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!"

**Bulbasaur:** Well, how 'bout this? Meemeemeemeemeemeemeemeemeemee...

**Raymond:** (in unison, at higher pitch) Meemeemeemeemeemeemee...

**Squirtle:** (interrupting) No!

**Lassie:** Bark! Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** What is it, girl?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** There's trouble at the ranch?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** Hmmm... trouble at the farm.

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** You say Ash was bitten by a Seviper?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** Where is he, girl?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** He's at old man Tibby's farm?

**Lassie:** Bark!

**Bulbasaur:** Farms have chickens. Corn! Let's ride! (Runs off. Lassie waits a while, then walks off. Bulbasaur soon returns) Uh, where's that farm again? (monitor screen is just static) (in low voice) Oh, she's gone. (normal voice) Say, is that pizza here yet?

**Raymond:** Uh uh.

**Bulbasaur:** What say we enjoy the aroma of food with my smell powder? Stand back! (Sprays powder)

**Squirtle:** (sniff!) Bacon!

**Raymond:** Ah! Horsy!

**Bulbasaur:** Okay, guess this one! (Sprays powder again)

**Squirtle:** Mmmm, pancreas!

**Raymond:** Donkey?

**Squirtle:** No, pancreas.

**Bulbasaur:** And this one? (Sprays powder yet again)

**Squirtle:** Chlorine!

**Raymond:** Pony!

**Squirtle:** No, Ray. Chlorine!

**Raymond:** No, look! Pretty pony!

**Jumbles: **(A Ponyta) Neigh!

**Bulbasaur:** (monitor shows words "INSERT HORSE") Oh, yeah, that's Jumbles.

**Raymond:** Pretty Jumbles!

(Cut to control room. **Sal **is on the monitor)

**Sal:** Look, for the last time, I can't send you a raw pizza.

**Charmander:** Just gimme the dough, I can cook it in twenty seconds.

**Sal:** Twenty seconds? What you got over there, a nuclear reactor?

**Charmander:** Sal, Sal, listen... Gimme the dough.

**Bulbasaur:** Charmander, where's that pizza? It's been over five minutes.

**Charmander:** Pizza lady on line 2.

**Bulbasaur:** Ah, the pizza lady. Greetings, pizza merchant.

**Sal:** ... Nobody cooks pizza in only twenty seconds.

**Raymond:** Hello.

**Bulbasaur:** Hey...

**Squirtle:** Hey, Raymond!

**Bulbasaur:** ... Hey...

**Squirtle:** Stop!

**Bulbasaur:** ... Where's my pizza?

**Raymond:** (chomp!)

**Jumbles:** Neigh!! (galloping)

**Bulbasaur:** What happened?

**Squirtle:** Raymond bit Jumbles.

**Bulbasaur:** What?

**Sal:** Who's Jumbles?

**Bulbasaur:** He's my horse. Is he okay?

**Squirtle:** I dunno. Maybe.

**Sal:** So is the horse all right?

**Bulbasaur:** I don't know. Hey! Where's my pizza?

**Sal:** Well, it's like this. My navi Wood Man, the guy making your pizza, turns out he's allergic to orange roughy, so he got all hivey, but now we're making you another pie.

**Raymond:** Is Wood Man okay?

**Sal:** Whoa! Hey, Wood Man! You gotta check this out! The baby turtle's talking!

**Squirtle:** Pokemon!

**Raymond:** Hello.

**Wood Man:** Freaky!

**Squirtle:** Freaky? (Jumbles snorts) Freaky.

**Sal:** Hey, that horse, he doesn't look so good. What's his name? Jingles?

**Bulbasaur:** Jumbles.

**Jumbles:** Neigh!

**Sal:** Yeah, Jumbles. He looks sick. I think you should put him down.

**Bulbasaur:** Look here, pizza man. I'm Bulbasaur, I'm hungry, I've got a talking voodoo doll taking chunks out of my horse, AND I WANT MY PIZZA! (Pounds so hard he destroys his desk)

**Squirtle:** Freaky navi!

**Sal:** Okay, okay. Just trying to help.

**Bulbasaur:** All right. So we're, we're okay, we're fine?

**Jumbles:** (snort)

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

**Squirtle:** (playing theme music)

**Raymond:** Quit steppin' on me! Stop it! Stop! (Squirtle stops) Uhh.

**Bulbasaur:** You better slap a muzzle on that scaled down piece of evil.

**Squirtle:** You better get that pizza!

**Raymond:** Yeah!

**Jumbles:** (Neigh!)

**Bulbasaur:** Come on, Jumbles, walk it off. (pause) Hallelujah! It's Michael Stipe! (pause)

**Michael Stipe:** Heh. (pause)

**Bulbasaur:** What are those things on your face?

**Michael Stipe:** Those are my intergalactic space glasses.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh. What can you do with those?

**Michael Stipe:** I can see right through you, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Uh huh.

**Squirtle:** Freaky.

**Bulbasaur:** So, Mr. Magno-Specs, your band's best selling album is called "Monster"? What's up with that?

**Michael Stipe:** That record is, um, it's like, uh, it's a, it's a...

**Bulbasaur:** (mocking, in unison) Uh, it's a, it's a...

**Michael Stipe:** ... it's a concept record.

**Bulbasaur:** A concept record!

**Michael Stipe:** It's a, it's a, it's like a layman's, it's like a layman's, it's like a layman's, like a layman's, a layman's, uh...

**Bulbasaur:** It's a, ummmm, it's like a layman's, ummm, there's stuff on your lip, uh, layman's, uh, layman's, uh, layman's, uh...

**Michael Stipe:** ... a laymen's dissertation on...

**Bulbasaur:** on, on, tip of my tongue, on...

**Michael Stipe:** ... the black hole phenomenon.

**Bulbasaur:** ... on the black hole phenomenon! (pause) Okay, Mike, I'm going to send you a high-pitched message that only you can hear!

**Squirtle:** (to himself) Why me?

**Bulbasaur:** (opens mouth, extremely high pitch sound)

**Michael Stipe:** (tilts head to one side) No message, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay then, sing that song, sing that, "Shiny Shiny People" song.

**Michael Stipe:** No.

**Bulbasaur:** I'll get you started. (sings) "Shiny shiny people, shiny shiny people..."

**Michael Stipe:** I hate that song, Bulbasaur.

**Bulbasaur:** Oh, me too, Michael, me too. Say, Mike, do think I'm a shiny shiny person?

**Michael Stipe:** I would say yes.

**Bulbasaur:** Yes?

**Michael Stipe:** Yes.

**Bulbasaur:** You're sure?

**Michael Stipe:** Yes, absolutely.

**Bulbasaur:** You don't see some dark, horrible corner inside of me somewhere?

**Michael Stipe:** No, none.

**Bulbasaur:** Okay. You're sure?

**Michael Stipe:** Yep.

**Squirtle:** I have a question. Is that you in the corner? (Michael looks down under glasses) That way, in the corner! (Picture of Squirtle's pod, with Michael Stipe's face in lower right corner of screen, rubbing front teeth)

**Michael Stipe:** That's me in the corner, yeah.

**Squirtle:** Freaky!

**Bulbasaur:** So what's next for you? What's on your plate? (stomach growls) Ohh!

**Michael Stipe:** Um, I'm going to drive to dinner.

**Squirtle:** Take us!

**Michael Stipe:** No.

**Raymond:** I wanna go!

**Squirtle:** Take us, please!

**Michael Stipe:** No.

**Squirtle:** C'mon, Stipe! Give us a break! Buy us some dinner!

**Raymond:** I wanna sit down.

**Squirtle:** Shut up!

**Bulbasaur:** Well, how about him, will he take us?

**Michael Stipe:** (in the corner) Yes, absolutely!

**Bulbasaur:** Great! See ya! (Zaps Michael off screen of main monitor)

**Charmander:** (to Michael in control room) Just me, Charmander, outta lines, hangin' out.

**Bulbasaur:** (to himself) I'm so hungry, I'm lightheaded! (aloud) May I have a hall pass, Miss Steckler? I wanna go home now, Miss Steckler... (passes out & comes to)

**Squirtle:** (mocking) I wanna go too, Miss Steckler.

**Bulbasaur:** Squirtle, where's your nephew?

**Squirtle:** Who? Oh, I ate him.

**Bulbasaur:** (shouting) That's barbaric! (quietly) Is there any left?

**Squirtle:** Um... (swallows) No.

**Bulbasaur:** (quietly) I'm gonna miss the little guy. (screen fades & freezes)

(Quick! Dim your computer monitor as much as you can!)

**Bulbasaur:** (in foreground) Let's look back at all the fun we had with our special friend, Raymond.

(Melancholy background music plays. Screen title: "Raymond, A Special Friend". Still shots of :)

(Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Raymond at Mt. Rushmore dressed up as tourists. Raymond's T-shirt says "I (heart) Unown")

(Raymond and Charmander in a bathtub in the middle of a busy street)

(Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Raymond in drag in front of a boarded up theatre)

(Bulbasaur and Raymond flying kites with a tornado behind them)

(Fade out. That means return your monitor to normal)

**Bulbasaur:** (sounding light-headed) I think I should see the nurse, Miss Steckler. (shouting) CHARMANDER! GET ME THAT PIZZA LADY!

**Siegfried & Roy:** (waving) Hi, Linda! Hi, Linda!

**Bulbasaur:** I'm not Linda. I'm a Bulbasaur! Who are you two?

**Siegfried:** I am Siegfried, and this is Roy.

**Roy****:** Hello, Bulbasaur.

**Siegfried:** Hmmm, Bulbasaur, that's the name on our pizza. (points to pizza box labeled "To Bulbasaur, Pokemon Planet")

**Bulbasaur:** That's my pizza!

**Roy****:** Thank you for the gift.

**Siegfried:** Mmmm! Orange roughy! (He and Roy laugh uncontrollably)

(Credits roll)

**Bulbasaur:** That's a good Jumbles. Feeling better now?

**Jumbles:** Yeah.


End file.
